Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here

N this is the story of the Little Devil, the Engineer & the Rainchild!

So its 1 am. And the three of them are sitting in the basement comp lab, studying hard. Wait, The Engineer is actually studying hard, while Little Devil & Rainchild are trying( trying being the key word) to stay sane. But just as they start to concentrate, one of them says something absolutely stupid, which isn’t even remotely funny to the normal world *i.e. the Engineer, hes such a bum!* and they both crack up!

Oh wait, now even the Engineer is cracking stoooopid jokes! Hah! Its contagious I tell you!

As we speak, the Little Devil is revolving on her little revolving chair and is begging the Engineer “can you take me around the lab on this chair, plssss! I wont ask for anything else”

The Rainchild, is recording all this by typing at 100kmph and laughing so hard she’s crying!

The Little Devil got her little joy ride as the Engineer pushed her chair far, but little did she know that he was gonna leave her there. So now she’s whining away too lazy to drag her own chair back!

Okay, the Engineer pulled her back. Now he’s studying.

She says “bloody Rainchild has gone mad. I’m getting serious now. Sighhhhhhhhhhhh”

Now she says : “You know what, I’ll be dying and Rainchild would be typing away on her comp” *that’s because I laughed when she cramped her foot and started screaming!

See, I told you, just as we start to get serious!

So the Engineer is back to his comp.

The Little Devil is gonna *start work*. i.e. opens up MSN messenger!

N its quiet again.

Yeah baby, this is called real-time blogging!

*this is what happens when 3 sleep – deprived, stressed out, n caffeinated souls get together in the middle of the night*

p.s. this has not been re-read or edited. written in 15 mins. dont even try to figure!

I know that they'll be gone when the morning light sings

Time Check : 1:00 PM

Location : FYP lab

Score : Me -1, Tuesday - 0

So far so good. That’s what this day has been like.

Got up surprisingly early at 8 *sheepish smile* and was at lab by 9! Spotted a rather cute guy! *that’s rare on campus* Made pleasant small talk with someone I bumped into in the elevator. This is significant because usually I’m a grouch for 2 hrs after waking up. This phenomenon is also *fondly* known by some as *Morning Meanness*..Thinking along the same lines as morning sickness! Anyhoo! *rolls eyes* I was surprisingly in a good mood! Lots of good morning sms’s had been sent, received and replied to! And all of this done by 9 AM!! Gee, talk about accomplishments!

Then a bit of lab work n a bit of term paper work and a bit of aimless browsing and a bit of chatting! A lot of nail biting, day dreaming, thinking and planning!

Grrrrrrr! Oops, that’s my stomach! Where’s the Little Devil! I’m starved, n she better finish her stupid meeting soon!

Keeping score with today! So far, I seem to be winning! :)

*lunch break*


Time Check : 2:12 AM

Location : Creepy computer lab in the basement of some obscure corner of Engineering Faculty

Score : 1 - 1

Sighhhhhhhhhhhh! Its been a long long day which will end with an even longer walk back to room!

Nothing exciting happened after lunch anyway. Things just kindaa went downhill.

So yeah...

I'm tired.

N it's a tie.

Give me back my point of view

I have been deeply disturbed ever since I rediscovered a live heart within myself. Apart from beating annoyingly and pumping blood everywhere, it does a lot more. Apparently it makes me cry.

What a jerk! Its like an extremely dominating boyfriend who dictates the terms of your life, when to laugh, when to cry, when to study, when to stone, when to write, when to make a phone call, when to eat, etc. etc. I swear, it’s a tyrant! An attention seeking control freak, that’s what it is!

Oh how I wish sometimes that the mind was strong enough to revolt against the heart, and put it right where it belongs!

Why can’t it just pump blood and leave it at that. I mean that’s what its there for. Why does it have to go around poking its nose into other business and having an opinion on everything, without having any authority on the given subject?

I had been warned about its controlling nature, and so I had it disciplined and very strictly trained all this while. It was such a well behaved heart, so docile and cooperative that I used to sometimes forget it existed, snuggled up in a corner somewhere.

Impressed by its good conduct, I decided to soften up a little, and loosened up my grip. You know, take off the leash and let it wander around. Wish I’d known better. It has now made its presence loud and clear in my life, and taken over far more than I’d ever want it to. So all this time that it was being that meek little kid in the corner of the class, it was actually plotting all this! And now it has so much power that I’m afraid it might not be able to handle it, and make stupid decisions.

Sigh.

I shouldn’t have loosened up on it. My bad.

Enslaved by its moods and colors, I wonder what each day would be like.

And no, this uncertainty is not that exciting.

I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for

One of my new favorite photographs. Something about it reminds of Valentin from Kiss of the Spider Woman. N Roark from The Fountainhead.

Unfortunately, I’m not talented or artistic enough to have taken this myself. Came across this when I was going through the NG Photography page. Don’t ask!

Speaking of which, this was a rather interesting clip.

*Capturing love through a lens* Never thought about this before, but what would that be like? A mother with a new born? Those oh – so – adorable little girl in frills n little boy in a tux holding hands! A happy couple kissing at the alter?

All of them? None of them?

How exactly do you click at the right moment, zoom in just enough, and contain it all in one frame?

How would something so intangible fit in a glossy piece of paper the size of a postcard?

Jodi Cobb has some pretty interesting things to say! Including how long love lasts, before it just becomes an attachment.

I wonder if its just convenience.

Only Happy When it Rains

I think the Rain God did get my msg about raining in Jamaica, but he got the destination wrong! Cuz it’s been raining in Singapore for two days instead! Oh maybe he was in an extra generous mood and decided to bless Jamaica AND Singapore! Now that’d be something! Mwahahaha! *I can so picture two idiots stuck in their hotel room playing cards and getting bored.* Okay, I’ll be nice. They can have a beer each while playing cards n snapping at each other!

Yeah yeah! Go ahead and say it! Sour Grapes! Jealous Kid! Whatever! *rolls her eyes*

But it IS unfair! Why do some people get a spring break AND get to travel, while other poor and MORE DESERVING souls get stuck in Singapore for spring break MINUS the actual spring.

Its just wrong! Period. *Dare u disagree?*

Enough about the Jamaican weather!

So the FYP is still stuck! Supervisor’s been busy with his own project, and my samples have been sitting in the fridge laying eggs! And I cant do anything till he processes them. I cant do that on my own because I, a teenie weenie FYP student am not allowed to use particular machine! It’s the only machine in the lab we’re not allowed to use…and I’ve been dying to! *Probably because its right there, and its so off limits! *

All in all, its been a not – so – bad day! Managed to get some work done for other projects! Met someone new, and had a great time! Know them through someone else, and this person wanted to see NUS! So I was a charming little tour guide! *okay, not so charming! But I was just showing them around campus! How charming could I possibly be about that? *

But quite impressed…and had a pleasant evening!

A rather amusing group meeting followed, which started an hour late! Many jokes were cracked, and many teddy bears (MINE) were thrown around, mutilated and abused! Eventually we did manage to get some work done!

Oh, n I bought another bar of Hershey’s Special Dark Mildly Sweet Chocolate! I just end up being in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the exact wrong change in my pocket! Damnnn! But come on, a girl needs her anti – oxidants…errr…chocolate!

I did demand a boy with chocolates, at lunch time today! * boy = potential guy*

But then I changed my mind! One thing at a time! N chocolate takes priority!

*exits to get her Hershey’s, with a huge HUGE grin*

I remember you

Sitting and replaying entire conversations in your head. And thinking of the people who you had these conversations with. And feeling a knot so tight that for a moment, you find it hard to breathe. And realizing that you’re missing someone.

Oh, how sentimental! Looks like I have a heart after all. *Surprise Surprise*

Extra mushy today. Missing family, friends, relatives, so many people.

Some, a phone call away. Others, a little further.

It's amazing how you can miss people so much, and they dont have the slighest clue. That, even if it was for a fleeting moment, they ruled someone's heart.

p.s. Hope it rains all week in Jamaica! Happy Spring Break!!! *evil evil grin*

Empty - Handed

Accidently, you ran a finger over the naked spot on your left hand, where there used to be a ring. It feels so unfamiliar, so alien, as if its not a part of you. How can your own skin, your own body betray you. How, you ask, as your eyes start to sting. You look away, much like you do when you have trouble facing someone. But this time, there is no one you’re facing. Not even the mirror. And yet, you look away, and now, your eyes have betrayed you too. Feeling like a complete stranger in your own body, you feel cheated. It’s as if you’ve been taken away from yourself. You feel it slipping away, like the white sand you always tried to hold on to, but never could.

And then you were left empty – handed.

Spend your lazy, endless, crazy, days inside my head...

I just ate half a bar of Hershey’s Special Dark Mildly Sweet Chocolate, and I bet by the end of this post, I’d have finished the whole thing. Its just…mmmmmmm…and I’m guilty as charged. It also says on the wrapper that it is a “Natural Source of Flavanol Antioxidants” and god knows how much I need my antioxidants! ;) I’m very particular abt nutrition n health. *yeah rite ;) *

So Im sitting in the study room, surrounded by a gazillion people who seem to be working their asses off. Therefore I chose the strategic seat that faces the wall, atleast I don’t have to stare at the studious ones and feel more guilty than I already am. Damn the chocolate, Damn the discount offer for 2, and damn the friend who offered to split it with me. *Takes another bite*

So its Saturday and I have no plans to go out, cuz it’s high time I study, I’m almost broke, and *sheepish smile* went out for the past two evenings. With the list of things-to-do getting longer and longer, you’d think I’d start working at it. But nahh, no drive, no motivation and just no mood to work. So Im sitting here, eating chocolate, thinking of how the family back home is playing Holi, how much fun the guys are having on their spring break holiday, and how Im sitting n studying *or pretending to.*

As stupid as this seems, I miss being adored, being important, and being the center of someone’s world. Okay, not the center, but being a significant part of someone’s world. Its not like I’m miserable or lonely or not loved. Surrounded by lots of friends and mom dad call often…but sometimes, you just need a little extra something. Large amounts of chocolate can be a substitute at times, but not this time. Its just a coincidence that I happened to have bought it at the same time as I’m writing this.

I was not gonna write the above paragraph. That’s how egoistic Leo’s can be. *More on that some other time* Egoistic enough that they cant express their weaknesses, even on their own blog! They don’t submit, to anyone. Even to anonymity.

Sigh.

Oh, n of course, finished the rest of the chocolate already.

Oh where oh where, could my baby be...

So how many bars of chocolates, cups of coffee, and shots of tequila does it take to make it a good life?

If Singapore actually saw seasons, today would be perfect as the first day of Spring. Good things did happen, after the first half of the day! Moved forward with the FYP…baby steps! But still, atleast its something.

Hung out with a bunch of friends n couldn’t ask for a better time. Laid back, playful, silly and carefree. That’s what we were. Sitting around on the stretch of grass, and just not caring about a thing in the world.

Met another friend. Had ice cream. Cough Cough! But totally worth it! Ummmmmmmm chocolate n crispies !

Stopped to visit someone else on the way back! *Yes, I was in quite the social mood today*

Talked for a long time… n know what, retail therapy, chocolate therapy, meditation, yoga. Are good ways to clear up a confused mind or destress, …but nothing beats a good heart – felt session of Girl Talk. N I don’t mean about fashion n make up. It’s knowing that although words cant express how confused or fucked up you feel, someone still understands. Yeh, guys make amazing friends, can always make you laugh, cheer u up, even be there to listen and everything *blah blah blah* but girl talk is just priceless, and they[the guys] don’t come anywhere close to a second.

So yes, today would be the perfect start to springtime. Damn the tropics.

This is how a heart breaks

I don’t remember the last time something *good* happened to me.

Okay, perhaps I’m exaggerating. I usually celebrate the small things with the same enthusiasm as winning a million dollars! *n I could use a million dollars, so yes, I’m pretty darn enthusiastic* But somehow, today I could feel the energy rush out of me, and leave me lifeless, for no particular reason.

So the Final Year Project mystery has been solved. The damn reagents were contaminated, which explains why the past few PCR runs gave no results. Which also means that now I should be able to get my experiment to work. *yay* and which also means that all my work from the past 3 weeks, including weekends, has gone down the drain. Yeah yeah, while the optimists would say that atleast now you know what the problem was and it’ll all be okay, the realists *which is the group I’m in today* would know that those were some very precious 3 weeks and with the big black deadline racing towards me, I am really pressed for time. Oh well, just keeping my fingers crossed that now I don’t have to spend days solving any more mysteries! Two are enough, considering only a month left before thesis submission.

The job scene is well, very very foggy. So I’m unemployed! And yeah, I know something will work out. * I’m only saying this cuz everyone’s been saying this to me, n fine fine, if you say so!!!!!* But I have every right to be biting my nails and start to plan my career selling tissue paper at the Buona Vista MRT.

With the FYP screwed, projects, deadlines, a complete lack of drive or motivation, and the current state of anxiety/uncertainty, you’d think what else can go wrong?

Not much else. Oh, except I’m surrounded by people who seem to be equally screwed or depressed. Or just damn lucky to have things working out for them. *of course, some of them deserve it, but others are just downright lucky.*So no rays of sun, no smiling faces, no silly grins. Its all so gloomy.

I have also found out that someone who I respected a lot and looked up to, is not actually who I thot they were. Or atleast they don’t have the qualities which I perceived them to have had, and therefore respected them so much for. Of course, no fault of their own. I was, after all, the one who assumed them to be something, and put them up on the pedestal, in that elite group of people I look up to. So its only natural that I’d be disappointed and pissed at myself for being so short-sighted. In my defense however, I had all the reasons to have made the wrong assumptions. They were fair enough assumptions. Just not right.

I’m secretly hoping I’m mistaken now, and not before. Ah, the forever optimist. Hates taking the fone, scrolling down to a number, but not calling.

Found myself in a situation today, where I helplessly searched for words of comfort for someone, and couldn’t come up with any. That’s a horrible place to be at, when you care about this *someone*. I could only mutter a “Be strong, please be strong.” No solutions. No advice. I racked my brains to say something, anything, helpful. But nothing.

With everything going wrong at the moment, the only hopeful thing I can say is *it cant get much worse now, can it?*

*keeping my fingers crossed*

- note : havent read through this post, so God only knows what all I've been rambling about. But then, heck cares!

Dear Diary! ;)

I’m strangely motivated and discouraged at the same time. Yes, I know that’s two opposite things, but I was motivated enough to wait in lab till 730 plus, to check how my PCR turned out, and not scream when I get no results. At the same time, I was far too discouraged to set up another PCR before leaving, so it’d be done overnight.

It sucks that I’m getting no PCR results. That’s the first step of my sample analysis, and is proving to be the biggest hurdle. Once I start getting stupid PCR products, the rest is *a piece of cake* as my supervisor puts it. Yeah yeah yeah I know it’s a piece of cake, but getting there is just so frustrating! But oh well, I guess I’ll troubleshoot tmr n figure out whether some reagent is contaminated.

So that’s the FYP! Just one of the many things that is not working out! N I have no control over.

The evening’s proven to be rather productive. Finished an assignment, didn’t waste too much time during group meeting, and enjoyed a short walk! *That’s a lot, considering most evenings I just end up staring at the comp and just pretend to be working*

Like I said, I was motivated enough for some things, and too discouraged for others. Motivated enough to complete the assignment, i.e. copy it and too discouraged to try to figure out the bits that I didn't understand. Motivated enough to call a group meeting about the upcoming projects, but too discouraged to care if no concrete decisions were made, and not much was achieved.

Today's too uneventful to qualify as a monday. Everything’s been normal, lunch, dinner, meeting, phone calls, assignments, lab work, everything! Something’s definitely wrong, because its all too normal!!! Nothing messed up majorly. The PCR doesn’t’ count, cuz I was ready to bet fifty bucks that it wouldn’t work anyway. *Gee, so much faith in my own experiment*

This is so like a closure post.

Dear Diary, today I did blah blah blah blah! Recount the events of the day. Call it a night. And crash.

But like I said, the day’s been far too normal! Nothing that could generate strong enough emotions of any type.

Sigh Sigh!

I want to carve my name out on freshly poured concrete.

I want to be home for the Holi Party.

n I discovered an old hindi song, which I had totally forgotten about, and now I love absolutely!

Stupid Pointless Post

Mid term on Friday. Pheww, I thought it would never be over.

Caught up with friends after what seemed like ages. Bomb of a time.

Bummed around all of Saturday. Conveniently neglected FYP. Liberating.

Watched Capote. Painstakingly Slow. Serious. Brilliant. Except for at times. Surprised at myself for liking it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman ( I love the way his complete name sounds) got the oscar for this? Was he that good? Well, good enough I suppose.

Still disturbed by the hanging scene. Yes, I take things to heart. Its silly.

Left abruptly.

Lazed in bed till absolutely had to get up. Went to lab, to ease the guilty conscience. No results.

Late late lunch, waffle and ice cream. Oh come on, it’s a Sunday. Deserved the ice cream. Lavaa Brownie. Yummm

Accidental Siesta. In my defense, I was just lying down.

Long night as Fac. Of Science. Creepy lab. Supposed to keep a friend company, and study.

Watched Apprentice instead. (Clay got fired, mwahahhaa)

Read Blogs.

Found out I'd missed an important Birthday. Crap Crap Crap. I am such a horrible friend.

Dinner past midnight.

Sometimes, I should not try.

Let it Be.

Forgotten how to write full, coherent sentences.

Weekend Over.

Oh fuck! When! How!