Flying trapeze

I finally managed to step up on the trapeze. Phew, I made it. Hah, that wasnt too bad, now was it. Just had to balance a little, and climb the fragile steps. Looked around. All seats full, everyone ready for the finale. The Flying Trapeze. They turn off the lights. For some strange reason, everytime they turn off the lights for the finale, the audience quiets down. I guess its something psychological about the opaque darkness. The hush is creepy. Someone sneeze, cough, whistle. Tell me you're here. The frozen silence is too much. I can feel all the eyes on me. I know you're watching. I know its the finale, I know you want your money's worth. But please, rustle, cough, clear your throat. something. anything. tell me I'm performing for real people. with real expectations.

The impatience in the air, nudges me to start. It's about time. I take a deep breath, remind myself that I've done this so many times before. Its only flying, and grabbing the other trapeze. All of them before me could do it, so can I. Oh come on, how long are you gonna keep them waiting. Just go for it. There is really no turning back now. What are you so scared of. You did this before, on your own. N if anything, there's always the safety net to fall on. Last deep breath. Jump.

Halfway through a somersault, in mid air, I remember, this is the closing act. The finale.

There is no safety net.

A toast...

Here's a toast ... to

• strangers n friends
  
• exams n applications
  
• dangerous hearts n rational minds
• Freud n Machiavelli
  
• regrets n disappointments
  
• judgements n shortsightedness
• closures n beginnings
  
• sitcoms n caffeine
  
• anxiety n insomnia
• trust n risks
  
• rain n early mornings, n
  
• irony n Hide'N'Seek
  

...cheers...

les rêves de sable

les rêves = dreams

sable = sand

so "dreams of sand"...? why? , you ask...

could it be because your dreams sparkle...? just like white sand glistens in the sun...

could it be the uneasy feeling you woke up with this morning...as u tried to recall what you'd dreamt about, but felt it slip out of your fingers...till you were left empty - handed...

n yet, could it be because they linger...they dont brush off, and you carry some of them with you,
just like the sand that you thought you'd brushed off your clothes, but that remained in the seams of your clothes, after a walk at the edge of the sea...

or could it be because they are your dreams...the wall of sand bags you've put around yourself, to keep the flood of reality from getting to you...

perhaps, its because you only dream comfortably, peacefully, and beautifully when you're lying down on the beach...as you fall asleep watching the stars...

.. or maybe, its because you dreamt beautifully...you dreamt high...just like the sand castles you built by the ocean...n that got washed away with a single tide...

n because you used to watch them get washed away...those countless castles...

n started digging for another one a few steps away...knowing its fate before you even began...

n because you aren't sure where to start this time...if at all...

My little brother...The pest I love!

I miss my little bro...

Thr, I said it. I never thot I would...you see, we were the types who fought constantly, n if we werent fighting, then we were off in our own little worlds, rarely talking or anything. If one of us was upset (for any reason...bad day at school, fight with mom/dad...or anything) the other never asked whats the matter! At school, if our paths crossed, we merely nodded and acknowledged each other's presence ( I suspect this was because most of my friends knew he was my bro, and they'd say hii to him first, so I had no choice...n vice versa)...So when I left home for college, I never thot I'd miss him. He was ecstatic to have the comp, the TV, the house, everything all to himself...

But then, along the past 3 yrs, somethings changed...my bro, who's 3 n a half years younger than me, is now a friend. We treat each other with the same respect as we treat our friends...n he, who doesnt talk to anyone at home, started talking to me. He told me about his girlfriend...knowing very well that I wouldn't go n tell mom n dad. When he's nervous about varsity try-outs, he shuts himself in his room...doesnt talk to our parents...but tells me, "didi, I really hope I'll get through." When he gets in trouble at home, he comes n vents it out to me. Complains about school, family, parents, friends, work, everything...When he wanted to go on some trip, or wanted to continue his varsity sports even with IB Diploma...he msged me and asked me to talk to mom dad...When he couldnt sleep for nights worried about college and where to apply, he came looking for me! He told me about his fears, his worries abt SAT's, college, his aspirations , and what he really really wanted...

My little brother...talks to me. N Every time he msgs, for whatever reason, it makes my day.

When I was going through a break - up, he told me : "Didi, dont let this bother you...its his loss. Really..."

When having a bad day, he'll say something absolutely retarded, which would make sure that somehow the sides of my lips turn upwards n break out in a huge smile!

When I go back home, he tries to teach me how to play ping pong cuz Im so bored! N then pulls his hair out while teaching, cuz I suck and I'd made him promise earlier that he wouldnt yell, or make fun of me.

During late nite soccer matches, he makes the noodles at half time breaks! AND does the dishes!

He's the one who discovers new places to eat and tells me : hey, I'll take u to that Japanese place next time we're out!

When i ask for the computer ... he understands why...and gives it to me! (Then complains to the gf abt the *guests* at his place! )

Today, I was particularly low...and I msged him to find out what mom was up to...think she was sleeping already...he figured I was in a bad mood! We din talk for long...max 2-3 mins...but he said enuf stupid silly things that would cheer anyone up!

He is now 4-5 inches taller than me, and very smugly, asks me : so hows the weather at your level?

He looked so handsome at his prom that I showed off his pics to everyone! The fact that he's a popular kid at school...the fact that he's a good kid, who knows his sports at important to him, and hasnt given in to the gazillion temptations one faces at school...the fact that he promised he'll do wel in school if we let him continue his sports, and DID...the fact that he's such a good kid...makes me proud! He is, after all, my brother! =)

Soon, he'll be off to college too...sighh...

Kids these days...they grow up so fast!

Tulips . . .

One of my favorite poems...since 12th grade...

Tulips

- Sylvia Plath

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.

Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in

I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly

As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.

I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.

I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses

And my history to the anaesthetist and my body to surgeons.

They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff

Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.

Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.

The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,

They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,

Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,

So it is impossible to tell how many there are.

My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water

Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.

They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep.

Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage -

My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,

My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;

Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.

I have let things slip, a thirty-year-old cargo boat

Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.

They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.

Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley

I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books

Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.

I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free -

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.

It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them

Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.

The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.

Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe

Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.

Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.

They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down,

Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their colour,

A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.

Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.

The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me

Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,

And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow

Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,

And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself.

The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.

Before they came the air was calm enough,

Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.

Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.

Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river

Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.

They concentrate my attention, that was happy

Playing and resting without committing itself.

The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.

The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;

They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,

And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes

Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.

The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,

And comes from a country far away as health.

Kindergarten Playground...

Today, during one of those endless incubation hours at lab, I was flipping through the newspaper and decided to update myself on the sports scene! Its been ages since I followed a sport n out of curiosity, I decided to see whats happening in the soccer world!

English Premiere League...Champions League...blah blah blah! OMG where have I been? I have no clue whatsoever abt soccer this season! Except for Rooney's temper tantrums! *Couldn't help it, they made the headlines! *

Reading further, I spotted an article on Man U! Since I cant qoute the newspaper, here's another story...

"Keane's rant aimed at his teammates"

Basically Man U captain blew up on a TV show criticizing everyone in the team...! Considering Man U is not doing so well in the Premier League (oh they're far far behind Chelsea) , it jus seemed like a classic example of kindergarten playground fights! N blaming each other n pointing fingers...gee, how *UNITED* is that! Apparently they did not air the show....darn! I wish I saw the footage...I can almost imagine a little bratty kid with a running nose saying : It wasnt me! We lost because of them!

Really, Grow up! ;)

Rather amused by this, I decided to flip the page, till I saw another article..this one about Arsenal and Chelsea! Hmmm....this could be interesting!

"Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is considering taking action against Jose Mourinho after the Chelsea coached called him a "voyeur" obsessed with the rival London club." (sports illustrated)

Another article about little tiffs on the playground! n this one even included name calling!

"I think he is one of these people who is a voyeur," Mourinho said. "He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, they have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. He speaks and speaks and speaks about Chelsea."

Am I the only one who finds this retarded or ...??

N besides, words like Voyeur, obsession, etc. give some rather disturbing images...locker rooms, voyeurs, telescopes...u get the point...!

So 3 of the most popular soccer clubs made headlines in the sports section over tiffs, temper tantrums, name calling, and so on...

Its almost as if they were all hit my some laser, took that magic pill or went into those time machine thingis which take u back to ur childhood, n you wake up 30 yrs younger, in oversized clothes...n start squabbling!

Whatever happened to playing soccer btw?? ;)

A beautiful night...

Its been a beautiful diwali! =)

*huge grin*

Got up late and lazed around in bed for over an hr! Its an amazing feeling to be awake, n yet be too lazy to get out of bed! Too lazy to even reach over the book shelf n pick up the unfinished Identity by Kundera. Mom called n then finally pulled myself out n flopped in front of the comp! Another hr gone! Yes, today was officially declared a lazy day!

Spoke to a few people and then wrote family n friends Happy Diwali emails! Personalized ones, to everyone. Even if they were only a couple of lines. I duno, a CC'd email jus doesnt feel the same. As it is emails rob that personal touch...cc'ing them jus din seem like the right way to send heartfelt wishes and love. An odd 20 emails later, decided its time to shower n kick start the day! Breakfast at lunch! =) Meaning Cereal n Milk for lunch, followed by more bumming around, chatting, dropping my friends' rooms, and *groans* laundry! Finished Identity, a short nap ,and laundry done!

Kundera confuses me! I cannot decide if I hate him or love him! I read *The Farewell Dance* and it left me so frustrated that I had to read another one of his books to decide how I felt! This was a translation from French. Oh, I'd do anything to get a copy in french right now! That should help me decide. I loved the ending...it jus left me so relieved and troubled at the same time! There was no closure, it was up to me to establish my own closure, and I'm still working on it....=) Chantal, the protagonist, is a clear mirror in my face at times, and that scares me. To identify with a character that has been laid out in black and white...its permanence is too overpowering. And I'm the power freak, so anything that overpowers me, annoys me.

Thought I'd take a break n step out for a bit, so went to the lounge to munch on Ritz and skimmed the newspaper. Skimmed because there is nothing substantial to read in it! I could feel the brain cells dying...gave up n came back! Was in no mood to study today at all! =)

Pops called just before the puja at home started...he always does. Its the few mins before they start...while Mom's almost ready and the puja stuff is almost all in place...He'd call me and see what I'm up to, and if n how am I celebrating. I guess its how he makes sure the whole family comes together...for the puja.

Later in the evening, went to a friend's house where she and her bf were hosting a diwali celebration! Was extremely excited that I finally get an occasion to wear an Indian outfit and got all dressed up with bindi, bangles, n everything! *Cursed the Singapore heat a gazillion times* =

They have a cozy apartment, and she had put diyas everywhere in the house, at the entrance, on the stairs, everywhere. Just like home. Sparklers and party poppers in the garden, and then everyone headed back! the uni kids, are deprived of television, so there was a huge war over the remote control, the guys opting for OLD OLD cricket matches highlights and girls demanding chartbusters on Sony or some soap opera! *Yes, it is so stereotypical, but OLD match highlights? Really? I can watch a live game, but ancient highlights...pls!!!*

We all actually watched some silly soap on Zee and lauffed our hearts out! It wasnt a comedy, but watch it wid a group like ours, and u'll see the comic/perverted side of every emotional dialogue! There were puns derived that the writers could never have thought of! Creativity at its best! =)

Awesome awesome indian dinner and more TV =) n then dumb charadez! cheating, screaming, random movie names that no one has ever heard of, TALKING * hello, its DUMD charade...* n what not! Everyone won =)

Laid back, relaxed, stuffed and smiling! A group of 10-15 ppl lauffing away to glory...it really was a sight. Our host very diplomatically handled the TV remote complaints and the adorable hostess was beaming the entire evening, * in a sari that was a gift from her bf's family, as we found out later* and the couple was so perfect together...*Touch Wood* & God Bless*

The walk back to the main road was the icing on the cake...a beautiful night and an amazing wind...hinting that its about to start raining...

It was a warm and beautiful diwali! =)

Cheers, To our host & hostess! =)

And hope that everyone had an equally, if not more enjoyable diwali =)

black black world...

Went for a diwali celebration...awesome time....friends, good food, music, tambola, bumming around, sparklers & smiling faces, beaming against the backdrop of the dark sky...beautiful. rekindled the dying festive spirit in some...including me.

Walked back, with a smile on my face =) Found some candles, lit one outside my room, on the window sill. Remembered how much I've always loved candles...

Read some blogs, wrote some emails...checked feeds, and came cross this article.

Wondered how 'happy' this diwali really is for some...

Deeply disturbed.

Even death isn't the end for some...

'Nikhil' means complete, whole...

'Utkarsh' means prosperity, awakening...

How ironic...

It started raining....the wind jus put out the candle on my window sill.

How ironic...

Irony is a sadist. Whore.

Utkarsh, Nikhil, and others...may your souls rest in peace.

*silence*