Somewhere I belong

I am typing this half sunk in my oh-so-comfortable bed at the Pen. and wondering if should bother getting up for dinner and a massage, or if I should just shut my eyes and sleep right away! I okay Manila, I don’t love it absolutely. Although, I have to say that it beats Singapore hands down when it comes to hospitality and gives Thailand some real competition in this field! I work with a lot of Filipinos and I used to wonder, how in the world can they be so nice and smiling all the time! Now, I’m in country surrounded by hundreds of these very sweet people! I think that gets rid of half the stress!

I didn’t get much sleep last nite because I was bumming around with friends, and only realized pretty late that my training actually started at 8! God knows how I made it to breakfast and past the training! *I yawned shamelessly so many times, I wanted to bury my head in the ground* The fact that the training was super dry and boring didn’t help either! So, instead of working late, I decided to come back to the hotel, change, and head out shopping! I was warned not to stay out too late, so I did my shopping at the mall nearby and just came back a few mins ago. I am now waiting for my colleague to pick me up, to go out for dinner and a much needed massage! If he doesn’t show up soon, I risk falling asleep in jeans with this laptop on my stomach!

I am not extending my trip anymore and am returning immediately after my meetings tomorrow. I had the option of staying longer, but I realize that there isn’t anything that’s keeping me here, holding me back, unlike China and HK! Like I said, I okay Manila. Its much like any Indian metro, plus a gazillion warnings to be careful, just like we warn our foreign friends when they go to India.

I don’t mind going back tomorrow – there is something that holds me back there.

The little one is back at home now and suddenly, I’m more homesick than ever! I want to go back, and I cant! With the team being reduced to nearly half its size, there’s more than enough work to be done ~ and the boss is already traveling. I don’t think I can go home before july! *sobs* work sucks!!! Wondering if I should make a quick weekend trip first, in May and then go for a longer break later!

But before that, I gotta go back tomorrow, survive the week, pack my bags, and go off on my long long weekend!

*stares away in space and day dreams of the beach*

Hella Good

It’s amazing how with just a few strokes of keys, one can shrug off so much. Neat and measured deletions – and just like that, it’s gone. Sometimes, you gotta love the computer for keeping things so impersonal. If you hit the right ones, you never run the risk of stumbling upon what you’d hidden away from yourself.

I’m reading Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, so pardon me if I sound like I’m far away. I still remember her poetry from high school days – it was too disturbing for our impressionable minds, and to date, I remember Tulips, Lazy Lazarus, Daddy, etc. and how every analysis somehow lead to her depression and suicide attempts. Disturbing, but beautiful. Sigh. This is her only novel, and is just as remarkable as her poems. Unfortunately, it leaves one almost devoid of life, much like the protagonist.

Plenty of changes taking place these days; my good friend and team mate from work is serving the last 2 weeks of his notice, before he leaves to pursue his real interest - writing. My manager, is also serving her notice. She will leave the company in about 3 weeks. Her extensive knowledge of the business and 10 years of experience is something I doubt many people can match. Neither can they match her caring and understanding nature, and her willingness to indulge in our silly games, drinking, and partying, and gossiping. The boss told me that I’ll be fine, and that after a few years, people moving on and leaving would stop bothering me and I wouldn’t get so attached. I hope he’s right – because you know how much I hate people leaving.

Whenever I reach a phase in my life, when things should be stable and straight forward, and I start to think – oh hey, maybe I can get a breather, new uncertainties haunt me. It’s a pattern, which repeats itself such as the chaos is about to clear. Maybe I should stop wishing for simplicity – maybe if I can convince myself that it’ll just be too dull, I will stop wanting it so bad.

Told the boss I need time off, and have extended the Labor Day holiday into a long weekend. Plans are to laze by the beach, pamper self at the spa, recharge by the water sports, and get a change of scene. Bookings have been confirmed, and all that remains is the count down. I also plan to forget my hand phone at home.

Coming Sunday, I fly off to Manila! When I’d gone down to the Philippines Embassy, something reminded me of my teenage crush. A Filipino guy - cute, popular, friendly, and funny – oh how I adored AB! Do people still have crushes these days? It seems so passé!

On a more cheerful note, an hour ago, I spoke to the mother about coming home later in May, when the bro will be home too. I also told her that I’m booking us into a full day spa treatment, which she’ll just have to come for, no questions asked, as we leave the men behind at home. I love how I can order everyone around at home!

Seeing as I have plenty to look forward to, things aren’t looking too bad! It’s the damn book, I tell you.

Motivate Me...

I gathered up the courage to go on a bike ride, for the second time in my life. The first time was 18 years ago. I am very proud of my achievement.

I promised myself I won’t drink this weekend, and managed a 66.67% success rate. I did drink on Friday, but that’s excusable, since it was super smart and super sexy Sherene’s birthday party! She, btw, was an amazing hostess, busy attending to all her guests, even when she was the guest of honor!!! And before R kills me, I must say that he deserves the credit for pulling together a great surprise party at his place for the lovely gf!

I also managed to watch The Namesake, which I loved absolutely. I always prefer the book to the movie, and this one’s no different. But I don’t think anyone would have been able to paint the book on the screen better than Mira Nair. For someone who hadn’t read the book before, it might have seemed a little disjointed, as she tried to squeeze the entire book in just two hours of screenplay. The acting, however, made up for this little flaw! Oh, and Kal Penn’s kindaa cute, and can pull off a non-comic role pretty darn well!

Friday was the most eventful day, and it all went downhill from there. I slept a lot, but disturbed sleep just adds to the fatigue, rather than curing it. When bothered by something, I seek comfort in buying pretty things, which don’t look so great by the time I get home. I swear, it’s as if during the 15 mins that I take to come home from the mall, the fit, the size, the color, all transforms into something hideous!

The boss is back tomorrow, and I’m not ready to face the music, yet. I want to find a corner and become invisible. Sigh. I was so unproductive all of last week! I just hope that it was a passing phase, and it’ll all be okay from tomorrow.

Its late on a Sunday night and I’m too blah right now, as is evident from this post. But tomorrow is Monday, the start of yet another week. Sigh. You know what I mean…

All that she wants

It’s well past midnight and although I’m extremely tired, I’m far from sleepy. A whole lot of things are gnawing at the back of my head, keeping me awake, and cranky. When all failed, I figured I might as well pen them down. It usually helps me get rid of fighting issues one by one, laying them out and then sitting back to see the whole picture. The fact that this space is not as anonymous as it once was does not bother me - I don’t feel the need to be hiding in the comfort of anonymity anymore. I don’t need a disclaimer, but still – this is not me whining. This is me just lending my worries to this space, so I can make way for sleep.

*The fact that I don’t have a specific goal in my career, and it is up to me to define it, both exhilarating and scary. While I have the freedom to choose between aiming to do well in this assignment, working for a short term in this company, and planning my career with it, I can’t seem to settle on one to work hard towards. So far, I had milestones at specific time intervals – high school – 4 years – university – 4 years, and I knew what I wanted to get out of each of those. Now, I don’t know where I want to place the next milestone for my career. 2 years? 3 years? 10 years? Its all very exciting, but at the moment, I’m too overwhelmed to appreciate this freedom.

*I wish I did something more meaningful at times. No leads on Laos yet. Sigh.

*Why don’t I have the willpower to stop using food as a comfort object during tough times ~ and lose a few pounds that I know I can do without. There are no healthy options near the office, and I have inherited my love for food from both my parents. Living in a country where girls are 99% skinny – it’s tough sometimes to feel all that great about yourself. And when the weighing scale at the gym, mocks your sweaty work out – it isn’t funny!!!

*Where will I be living in two months time? I need a new house since the landlord wants this place back; 2 out of 4 of us are uncertain about whether they will still need to be in Singapore after June, so I don’t know if we should look for a place for 2 or 4. I know I know, I shouldn’t worry so much about things I don’t have control over, but I do anyways.

*I want to travel – while I still can, commitment free. I wish that I had company to travel, with people who were at the same frequency at me. The Genting trip was cancelled – due to unfortunate and unforeseen immigration and important commitments. I understand, but I am frustrated that I spend the CNY weekend AND this long weekend in town, doing nothing different. I have resolved that I am going to start traveling alone – one can always use quality time with themselves, and can never make enough friends!

*I wonder if I’ll ever have a relationship that was not perpetually shadowed by clouds of uncertainly. Or distance. Always. Because I don’t think I can keep looking out for the silver lining. One can’t always see it, you know. I didn’t know that a simple one would be so hard to come across. I might see a faint silver if I squint hard enough.

* I don’t want to feel bad about not having savings. I pay all my bills, a huge CPF, and paying for more than 50% of my college education, by forcefully taking a uni loan, and now repaying it myself. Throw in the few expensive presents for the family that I always wanted to get them, and finally have the means to, and splurge on myself once in a while on myself. Complete financial independence – check. The right “to own that ridiculously high pair of shoes, and many other “non-sensible” pretty things” earned? – Check.

*I wish I knew how to manage my time better so I could accommodate all that I wish to do in the 24 hours that is a day. Because days go by and months change without warning, and I am way off some personal goals. I am not pleased with myself.

I should now go to bed – hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll find half of my worries, if not all, juvenile and worth a good laugh.

And buy something new – to add to the collection of “things I could’ve lived without”