100 Tears away

Some losses are worth enough, that it’s okay to cry over them, time and again. I like to think it’s honoring them, showing respect, towards something that was yours, and is unfortunately no more.

Coincidently, two random sitcoms mentioned the 5 stages of grief. You know the jargon : Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Denied, and stood strong.

Yelled and screamed.

Bargained. Perhaps.

Depression. Not sure if this is over, or yet to come.

Acceptance. Definitely not there yet.

This.is.scary.

I was really hoping this was some mushy jargon for the TV. Please tell me I'm just tired and thinking too much - and this stuff is only true for sitcoms.

I'd hate to accept. Because then there'd be another stage. Defeat.

Where we gonna go from here?

I’m bored at the office – 3 out of 5 ppl in my team are away, and the new cute guy isn’t in today. The weather’s gloomy, perfect setting for a Monday – to nap in. I figure I’d be discovered immediately if I tried to nap in a huddle room, so I’m typing away and singing along with Pandora (in my head)

I’ve been considering spending the over-hyped, over-rated, and extremely boring new years at home this time. The options are I could spend half the evening standing in queues in Singapore – restaurants, clubs, loos, taxi stands, or I could be at home, at a simple party with the family friends. Singapore – hassle + booze. Home – no hassles + no booze + very good food. I’m stumped. And then there’s the question of whether to go home for X-mas (4 days), New years (5 days) or for the whole stretch and manage a 10 day break. Stumped yet again.

A sexy little ixus has been purchased with my name on it. It’s cute, small, fits the purse, and takes great pictures! My very sweet boss, upon hearing that I intended to buy a camera, offered to pick it up for me from Hong Kong, on his biz trip, and got me a great deal. Lower price plus a 2 GB memory card! Now I can’t wait for him to get back!

The little one just messaged to tell me that he’s going to Toronto for the x-mas break – that lucky brat. He’s also getting an ipod for x-mas, because he’s doing very well at uni, and his sister feels awful that he’s away from home this holiday season. Did I mention, he’s a lucky brat! ;)

I realize that I’m left with only 1 weekend to go to India and I haven’t done any presents shopping. And I am spending half of my next weekend taking part in an Amazing Race, which is to raise funds for a comm. service project the girls are involved in. The Little Devil and Tipsy will rough it out in Calcutta for 3 weeks – spending time educating, and doing projects with the less fortunate children. I couldn’t be more proud to have friends, with the biggest hearts. A big cheers to the girls, and this project.

Travel agent’s are irritating – they ask a gazillion questions and then find me no bookings. So I’m taking matters in my own hands - off to book my tickets, and day dream about India and then home!

1000 miles

No point in tugging at, evaluating, justifying, and wondering about something - which wasn't there to begin with. And if you do, like I did, and feel like a fool, then, hon, you deserved it. You were being stupid, so why blame anyone else.

One of the most thrown around phrases is to "move on." It is also one of the most ambiguous terms, and could mean differnet things to different people.

One could have moved on from one relationship, or could have moved on from the whole concept of relationships. From having a pampered life where everything was paid for, everything was taken care of. Or from having a materialistic life altogether. From a major event in life. Or, from the time frame when it happened. Kept walking with time, till the distance between it and you increased.

So when they talk about moving on, how do you know if you have or not? Are you merely measuring how far you have come from the issue, and have thus moved on? Or if you have made peace with it and laid it to rest?

I miss sitting by the ocean - rising tides somehow sooth inner turmoils. Especially when you can feel something brewing inside, but it's too soon to know how big and destructive it could be. Better put it to sleep with the sea's lullaby.

X-mas shall be spent by the beach.

Fragmented, unclear posts - seems to be a pattern here. Gee, I wonder what it means.

Free Falling

Free – falls.

I want to fall free. Sans inhibitions. Sans safety supports. Sans back ups. Sans control.

I remember 5 years ago – at a hilly country club in Thailand. Riding mountain bikes up a killer slope. Just to ride it back down – without holding the handle bars. Leaning back. Wind on our faces. Hands spread out. Feet off the pedals. No safety wheels. No control. Free fall.

One rock, that’s all it would take to make the bike go out of control and skid down the slope along with the biker. But this was overridden by the pure bliss and high that one felt while coming down.

I want to ride a bike down a steep slope, and let go of the handle bars. Again. I want to feel that high. Again.

Such memories and more, from too long a time ago, make me sift through the recent ones, to find one in which, I -

Saw the rainbow colors in soap bubbles.

Lost track of time while talking on the phone.

Ran around in the rain. Basked in the sun. Made ice – cold lemonade on a hot afternoon. Realized that there are seasons – see them come. Wave them good bye.

Went on a long walk and lost my bearings.

Tried to bake brownies.

Fell asleep reading, with the lights on.

Snuck something. Anything. From anyone.

Had a crush. A real one – with the butterflies and the blushing and the nick names.

Hurt myself – in a way that required a band – aid to heal. Only.

Gazed at the stars.

Cried over a book. A song.

Hugged, and forgot to let go.

. and I find none.

I’m baffled by my loss. Because I know they exist. Somewhere in the yellowing pages of the ream, which I locked away, to keep safe.

I’m bothered. Because I didn’t realize that behind those unbreakable locks, I left a part, that was me.

I’m restless because I see them from far, but don’t know where I’ve put the key.

Bigger, Stronger

I spoke to someone today who is about to get married, and who was suffering from pre-nuptial anxiety attacks. About sharing a large part of your life with someone else. And I, had to calm this person down and highlight the merits of marriage and togetherness. The said person and I had just recently concluded that I am indeed afraid of commitments. We couldn’t help laughing at the fact that I, someone who can’t even commit to a tattoo because it is “too permanent” would calm someone’s nerves and convince them that getting married would be the best thing that’s happened to them.

Later, this person remarked that “Maybe you are only afraid on the surface, but deep inside, you believe in marriage, and commitment, that’s why you could convince me.” To which, I very confidently said, “I am a very persuasive person. This is nothing personal. Now, go do something useful! ”

On a totally disconnected note,

Is it true, what they say? Time does heal most things.

All – I wouldn’t agree. But most, yes.

Or maybe it doesn’t heal them, but makes us stronger, to confront the past, and, sometimes, even the future.

eyes wide open

She dreams about the

*blue skies and yellow flowers. A swing. A fence. Hot afternoons and the ice cream man. Jogs in the park. Dining in the moonlight. Fresh. Simple.

*the patio. By the beach. Waking up and hearing the waves. Reading. Watching. Walking.

*early mornings and coffee on the go. Power lunches. Demands. Results.

*breakfast in bed. Stolen moments. Being loved.

*boots . footprints in the snow. The fireplace. The smell of cinnamon.

*leaves that change color. Of flowers that bloom. For seasons that change.

*promises that were made. Things that were said.

*lives that we weaved. And undid.

*vacations planned. and emptied.

*meals to be cooked. Birthdays to be planned. apartments to be shared. Arguments to be resolved.

*drives that lead nowhere, and yet far away.

*days

*when she still used to dream.

Two Weeks. In Key Words.

So things have slowed down a bit. Diwali is over. Off – site is over. And Global visit is over. I can finally catch my breath. The remaining 3 days are packed 9-6 with meetings but it’s okay. The worst is over. I still have a job!

the weekend at home was great. As usual, too short. But great nonetheless.

The off site was a huge success. I’d organized a Halloween dinner which kicked major ass. I was very appropriately dressed as a devil! The second night was spent dining in style at Sirocco, located high up on the 64^th floor, with even higher prices. Totally worth it. Partying at Bed Supper Club was a mandatory touristy activity and we did due diligence. Day 3 was a sticky one – wanted to come back early to settle work but couldn’t pre-pone the flight. The day was well spent however, shopping, and meeting a friend for lunch. At Siam Paragon. Day 1 had a half spa treatment – foot massage, reflexology, and pedicure! For an unbelievable price. A large part of day 2 was spent at the spa, to escape the afternoon heat, which was phenomenal. So looks like I covered everything that was on the Bangkok list.

Being back was a nightmare, because the following week, i.e. this week, is packed with meetings and the global guests visit. Thankfully, the visit went fine and I have successfully done my first senior management presentation. *yay*

The guests have been entertained well and are on their way back tomorrow. Meetings will be taken care of tomorrow, and the work computer is not to be switched on tonight!

After what seems like a sabbatical, I’ve been on a movie binge. In the past 2 weeks I have seen Devil Wears Prada, The Break Up, Friends with Money, Man of the Year, Don, Prestige, The Good Year & The guardian. Prestige was twisted. Good year – sweet. Not life changing. The guardian – freezing. Devil – entertaining. Don – sleep – inducing. The rest – worth watching on 2X.

Speaking of which, life seems to be running at 2x lately. Everything’s moving fast, and I’m loving every bit of it. The most stressful time at work is over, and after this week, I’ll have more breathing space – which I’m looking forward to. Tickets for India have been booked. Plans to meet up with cousins in progress – and yes, I know a 6-day trip is too short!

New plans in the pipeline are a business trip to china – which would lead to a vacation either in Beijing or Hong Kong. A trip to the US later in the year, which would then lead to a flight up to Canada to see the little one, or visit friends and travel in the States. Hoping to squeeze another site visit on the way. The business trips are confirmed. The vacation plans are in the air. But I’m excited anyways!

Its bedtime – because this entire week is 9am or earlier, which sucks! Team dinner tonight. Company dinner tomorrow. Celebration dinner Friday. How am I expected to fit in my clothes?