I can't think of a title!

Old bags, old shoes, dried flowers and shreds of paper cover the entire floor of my room and my bed. The only seating space I could find is on the throw rug in the corner, which was there for a year for the purpose of sitting around n chilling, but is being used for the first time.

I’m jus taking a breather.

Although packing is such a pain, it’s a good way to clean out the closet and discard things you don’t use, or knew existed. I just threw away eleven pairs of shoes. *yes, forgive me, for I have sinned* It broke my heart, but some things just have to go.

I did discover a few things that pleased me ~ old photographs, a suede bag which I’d completely forgotten about, and my Red Bull tank top!

Of course the birthday cards from the past 5 years. I read each and every one of them again. From old friends, forgotten friends, ex-boyfriends, etc.

Then there are the letters. From past relationships. Not love letters, but just letters. What does one do with them? Put them all a shoe box and (a) bury (b) throw in the sea (c) stow away in the store-room (d) non of the above – shred them just like the other useless papers which will end up in the black garbage bag. What is the right protocol here?? I don’t particularly like option d because they are souvenirs from a not-too-unhappy past. And at some point, the things written in them were true. I think. Call me a mush bag, but I can’t get myself to throw them away.

I didn’t let myself re-read them though. Smart choice, one of the smarter ones.

Yesterday was the last day of the fiscal year and a much awaited occasion to pop a few bottles of champagne. The party was supposed to start at 730, but Friday traffic, lack of cabs, the rain, and last minute year closing things kept us from starting till 9. Without wasting any time, we got ordered our first drinks at Barfly and I ensured that the tables were always full of greasy, overpriced finger food! (After all, the boss is picking up the bill). The crowd was great, the boss was drunk, and the boys were cute! Needless to say that us girlies were very happy! ;) We lost a few people who had to go for family things, and by 11, the non – married ones were ready to dance, and boy, did we dance! 4 hrs of non stop dancing, drinks that kept appearing, thanks to Baldy, and a “supper” of cheeseburgers and fries at Macs! By the time I got home, I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, and staggered into bed.

One of the best party nights in a long time, should be followed by a lazy Saturday in bed! But I am instead trying to put together cartons, and pack all my belonging by this evening.

But the boy comes back tonight, I’ll be living much closer to the office starting tomorrow, the work load is to decrease a lot, and family’s coming soon! I guess I can’t complain, can I!

Money for nothing...

***Proud moment***

I made an omelet for dinner on my own, without breaking it. It looked like a normal omelet, and I am still alive an hour after eating it.

***End of Proud moment***

I guess that says a lot about my culinary skills, doesn’t it? My response to ma when she grumbles about my lack of grace in the kitchen, is “ hah, I can’t be good at everything now, can I?” Apart from rolling her eyes, she can’t do much, and I get off the hook!

I was talking to Blurry today and realized that people around me are so focused on money these days. It’s rather disturbing. I guess it has something to do with just starting our careers and paying bills with our hard earned cash (for most) as opposed to the scholarship or the transfer from dad that parked itself into the bank every beginning of the semester. But still, I liked to know that we had better measures for like than the dollar bills. Conversations lately are measured in rent, costs, furniture costs, taxi costs, GST for god’s sake, courses’ costs, blah blah blah. It all boils down to the single $ value that is put on things.

Maybe it’s the long term vs. the short. We’re rather myopic as so far we’ve only planned for a few years at a time. In middle school, you only looked as far as 4 years of high school. High school was spent planning the glorious university days (4 years). Freshmen year in university was spent planning a major, and by junior year, we were planning the final year projects. Finally, in senior year, we were looking for the jobs. Now, a few are still looking at only 3 years before the MBA. We got so used to planning for the short term, that I guess we don’t have a grasp of the long term. I got my first bite of that when my parents told me that losing the money was no big deal, and in 2 years time, it would seem like an insignificant amount. N I figured yeah, in a few years time, I wouldn’t care at all. This was the comforting thought that helped me sleep at night.

I also stopped thinking in my head that I need a better paying job that I won’t enjoy half as much, every time something went wrong at work or every time I heard of another apartment that I couldn’t afford. I finally internalized the fact that for a few hundred bucks less, I get the experience and the skills that I won’t find elsewhere. Now how do you put a value to that?

I like to think we’re not merely materialistic, but rather trying to survive on our own in the “real world” as they call it. It’s always a race to chasing that big $$$ amount for the MBA. Or to start up a business. Or for that car. And some cushioning in the bank in case the sky falls. I like to believe that this $ talk is only the survival instinct, but that underneath, we do know the things that matter to us. N a few odd bucks here and there don’t change that.

Which one...?

Say Cheese

A Change will do you good

I have an apartment! Finally!!!

It’s old, its huge, its expensive, its air-ey, its near town, its not fancy, its 2 bus stops from my office! So it’s not perfect, but in this market, it comes close! I still love our current place muchly, but somehow, I’m not attached to it. Maybe it’s because it’s only been one year. Maybe because I was rarely at home to make it feel like “home”. Or maybe after staying in a different room on campus every year, I’m used to packing up my belongings and moving on.

In the next 9 days, my life is going to revolve around packing, shifting, unpacking, cable, internet, utilities accounts; year end closing, forecast accuracy, etc. etc. oh, I forgot to mention that with June comes the end of the fiscal year, and being in the finance function, it means it’s the busiest time of the year! God bless them accountants who have to manage the “books.”! My sympathies!

Lately, my mind’s been racing at a pace too fast for the rest of me to keep up, and the whole day seems like a struggle for the rest of the body to keep up with it.

I want a holiday. Not a long weekend get away in Bkk where I get absolutely no breathing space. I need solitude, a change of scene, and a place where my brain goes in overdrive trying to absorb all the new sights and sounds. Or a quiet place where it slows down to match the stillness of the surroundings. Or a place with new people and refreshing conversation. Just something different from the present, a dream that I don’t want to wake up from.

No, i don’t wish to escape from the present. I just want some diversity in the present. A new flavor. A different note.

At the boarding gates...

Careful where you stand

*Post from 4 days ago*

I have been cheated out of a large chunk of my money and I am trying to make peace with it. I can live knowing that it’s only money, and that a few years down the lane, it’d seem like a negligible amount. But today it hurts. It was my hard earned cash over a year. It is also the first time I have been cheated. And that, I cannot make peace with. Its upsetting and it has left me rather shaken. I am trying the legal channel – after all, the law is there to protect us. But today I don’t feel so safe anymore. Every time I leave the house, I am conscious of who is walking ahead of me, and behind. No transaction, no deal, no interaction seems trustworthy. I can’t get rid of this shadow of suspicion that follows every movement around me.

It’s probably a good thing. We learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from our sheer bad luck. This time, it was my bad luck, and every other day, I dwell into the could’ve-would’ve-should’ve, which ends up replaying the entire event in my end, and leaves me exasperated, and depressed! I wish there was a way to carve our some thoughts from one heads and burn them away for good.

I noticed that over the past few years, I have become rather cynical. But today I realize, that it’s not enough. Cynicism should come hand in hand with an untrusting mind. I picked up the sourness along the way, but wasn’t able to change the fact that I trust people easily. Mental note: hate everyone, question everything.

Work’s crappy. There are days when I’m too messed up from the whole apartment thing that I can’t work. N then there are days when I’m ready to work hard, and the day starts with a nasty email, or fire fighting, without any commendable results.

It’s one of those days when you feel it slipping and you cant be bothered trying to stop it. You can only hope that you escape into a dreamless slumber, before you start slipping faster.

A box full of sharp objects

I haven’t posted in a while, I realize. I’d like to think that’s because not much has happened, but in fact plenty has!

I need an apartment - I found one – I signed lease – paid deposit – found out the agent’s cheating me as another person has signed lease for the SAME place – went to police – asked for money back – got a cheque. I’ll find out tomorrow if I actually get my money back. Else, that’ll be some real hard earned money that I’ll have to chase.

The boy (knows as the boy, to many) is leaving the country to pursue, ahem, higher education. He’ll be gone in approximately two and half months. Some laughed when they found out, not because they are just mean hearted bastards, but because of the irony of this all. A previous relationship didn’t work due to the distance, and this one is going to test my patience with distance, again. They laughed, because when I date, I am treated like a princess, and then external forces ensure that this person is placed far far away from me. This time, even I laughed. So I wouldn’t cry.

I wonder if this is some conspiracy to teach me how to live alone and be independent. WELL, I PAY ALL MY EFFING BILLS AND RUN MY ERRANDS AND LEAD A LIFE W/O THE FAMILY. WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO LEARN?

*phew*

So anyhoo!

Since the house thing had be going bonkers for days (not having a place, and then being cheated in one), I have been eating too much, and drinking like they are about to ban alcohol for good! Next week, it’s time to say hi to the guys at the gym again!

One high point of the week was a Cuban (was it??) dinner, refreshing mojitos, a great band, and some wonderful company on a Friday night. I do have the nicest friends, mind you! They make you stop worrying about the world falling apart, the boy leaving, the lack of roof over your head, and your approaching poverty!

Friends leaving, friends getting married, friends turning into acquaintances. It’s all happening right here!

In some ways, I am happy that time is flying. It is letting me leave things behind – things I should have left behind a few stops before. But better late than ever, I always believe. The light-headedness and freedom that comes with this was long overdue! Travel light, why carry the extra baggage, that you know you neither need, nor can afford.

Which reminds me, in 4 days, I’ll be home, eating rich food, catching up with the little one, enjoying the feeling of being a complete family again, and indulging in all (most of) my vices.

Till then, its working hard, cursing the boss, apartment – hunting, and no alcohol!

I wish I could say not much has been happening!