I can't think of a title!

Old bags, old shoes, dried flowers and shreds of paper cover the entire floor of my room and my bed. The only seating space I could find is on the throw rug in the corner, which was there for a year for the purpose of sitting around n chilling, but is being used for the first time.

I’m jus taking a breather.

Although packing is such a pain, it’s a good way to clean out the closet and discard things you don’t use, or knew existed. I just threw away eleven pairs of shoes. *yes, forgive me, for I have sinned* It broke my heart, but some things just have to go.

I did discover a few things that pleased me ~ old photographs, a suede bag which I’d completely forgotten about, and my Red Bull tank top!

Of course the birthday cards from the past 5 years. I read each and every one of them again. From old friends, forgotten friends, ex-boyfriends, etc.

Then there are the letters. From past relationships. Not love letters, but just letters. What does one do with them? Put them all a shoe box and (a) bury (b) throw in the sea (c) stow away in the store-room (d) non of the above – shred them just like the other useless papers which will end up in the black garbage bag. What is the right protocol here?? I don’t particularly like option d because they are souvenirs from a not-too-unhappy past. And at some point, the things written in them were true. I think. Call me a mush bag, but I can’t get myself to throw them away.

I didn’t let myself re-read them though. Smart choice, one of the smarter ones.

Yesterday was the last day of the fiscal year and a much awaited occasion to pop a few bottles of champagne. The party was supposed to start at 730, but Friday traffic, lack of cabs, the rain, and last minute year closing things kept us from starting till 9. Without wasting any time, we got ordered our first drinks at Barfly and I ensured that the tables were always full of greasy, overpriced finger food! (After all, the boss is picking up the bill). The crowd was great, the boss was drunk, and the boys were cute! Needless to say that us girlies were very happy! ;) We lost a few people who had to go for family things, and by 11, the non – married ones were ready to dance, and boy, did we dance! 4 hrs of non stop dancing, drinks that kept appearing, thanks to Baldy, and a “supper” of cheeseburgers and fries at Macs! By the time I got home, I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, and staggered into bed.

One of the best party nights in a long time, should be followed by a lazy Saturday in bed! But I am instead trying to put together cartons, and pack all my belonging by this evening.

But the boy comes back tonight, I’ll be living much closer to the office starting tomorrow, the work load is to decrease a lot, and family’s coming soon! I guess I can’t complain, can I!

To "S"

12 years ago –

I wasn’t exactly a timid kid – I was always outgoing, giggly and loud. But life had gone through a few unexpected turns. I had moved to Thailand with family, but because of the different education system there, I had to come back to India to complete my 6th grade. Within a month’s time, I returned to Calcutta, a city i’d only been to once before, to spend the next 6 months living with an aunt, and completing her 6th grade. It was a new city, new school, new education system, and a new family that I had to adapt to – and catch up on a semesters worth of study material – all in 10 days.

I made new friends in the neighborhood and school, and since a lot of them lived in my block, my school friends and home friends were the same. S was one of them. S – a skinny guy, with a bright smile and a huge heart. He lived in my block and was in my class as well. Since he was a bright kid, the teachers asked him to lend me his notebooks to catch up on the previous semesters work. We became good friends, and soon I was part of the gang – we hung out, played stupid games, ate junk from hawkers and lived the typical 11 year olds life. Except that I had a personal flock of bullies, and no one else did. Sigh. I had to take after school tuition lessons for a few days to catch up on the previous semesters work in the new school, and everyday, as I’d return home at 6pm, a gang of boys would be playing cricket outside my block. And the minute they’re see my approach, they’d whistle, and tease one of their guy friends about me. no big deal, I think now. But back then, it was a huge deal. 7 guys against 1 girl – that too, new. Back then, I was not the type who’d just look them straight in the eye and tell them to fuck off. I wish I had. I would jus keep a straight face and wake right up to my house. I remember how much I dreaded it and how everyday while I walked back from my lessons, as I’d turn the corner to my street, I’d pray that the boys had chosen a different place to hang out. And my heart would sink as I’d spot them from far, and the jokes on me would begin. No one said anything directly to, but they said everything to V, a stupid dumbfuck of a guy, about me. Like “there comes your heartthrob” blah blah some stupid shit like that. Amazingly, stupid shit like that can bully a little girl. Anyways, back to the story. One fine day, S happened to be around when the guys started their usual chit chat as they saw me approach. (the boys were from my grade in school btw, where they pretended like nothing was going on.) And he heard them. I think later in the evening when we were hanging out, he mentioned that and I burst out crying. (yes, again, little girls are sensitive) I hated Calcutta, I hated living there, and I hated being bullied everyday and not being able to tell anyone. Didn’t wanna create trouble for my uncle/aunt, and didn’t wanna worry the parents. Few days after, he heard them say something to me again and he went n told them off. Some guy stuff, which I didn’t hear. But he got the point across. And they stopped eventually. They knew I was part of the other gang, S and his friends, my friends, and rule of the neighborhood – everyone stays within their territories and doesn’t bother the others. I was relieved beyond relief –I remember being able to walk back home and not worry. It all seems so silly now, so juvenile. But I guess when you are 11, such things matter the most. S was always nice to me, not in a “I’m hitting on you” way, but “i’s new – i’s not with family, let’s make sure i doesn’t get homesick” way. They adored me, my attempts at Bengali, and at wearing a sari at durga puja. S would walk back home with us after school and he had a bicycle and I’d walk back (the school was that near), and another girl and I would dump our bag on his bike and walk off, and he never said no. I dunno why I remember such little things. But he’s one of the few people I remember from Calcutta. I hated those 6 months of my life, and if it weren’t for S and the gang, I’d have been miserable throughout.

Today – I found him on Orkut. As much as I hate orkut, I am glad for this one thing. I remember trying to look for him earlier, but never finding him, and this time I did. I msged him and wondered if he remembered me, and he did.

I doubt we’ll have much to talk about today- if at all. We had a brief friendship of 6 months, and then a 12 year gap. I think a quick chat is all that we’ll be able to manage , and then it’ll be forgotten. But I ll remember those days, and I’ll remember S. That was one of the most difficult time of my life, being jolted out of my comfort zone and thrown into a whole new world, which I grew to hate. Thanks S, for at least now I have some fond memories of those 6 months.

p.s. this is the longest post ever!

The 100th Post

Forever is probably the shortest duration of time. –

Have u ever caught the whiff of a passerby’s perfume, which made you stop in your tracks – because it’s a fragrance so close to your heart. Did you search for the owner you knew so well, only to discover that it’s been stolen by a total stranger. Were you also betrayed by your senses?

Have you ever gone so far down memory lane that you can’t remember how you got there? Did you manage to find your way out? Did you want to?

I have. Several times. Sometimes I came out smiling; others, biting my tongue to hold them within.

And you?

Honesty

I started my day with a memory – not a pleasant one, unfortunately. It’s that weird memory that appears out of nowhere, kicks you in the gut, and trots along as if nothing happened. As you go about the day, it fades away, but it leaves a bad after taste, which you can’t help but be aware of during every free second that you get. You can just hope that you can shake it off with a good night’s sleep.

While I tried to push this memory back, spent the day in these parts :

The sad part: Starving - Going to Lunch at the sushi place - Trying out something new rather than your usual - finding it absolutely disgusting and inedible. Compensating with a Tall Hazelnut latte.

The bimbotic part: painting toes - finally.

The kick – ass part: Remembering someone's birthday - calling their place - finding out they're travelling - getting a number where they can be reached at - hearing the happiness in their voice upon hearing from you when they least expect you - singing Happy Birthday - being missed - missing.

The blood-pressure raising part: finding out that not all the papers for China visa as in place - having a few hours to get them - including an invitation from someone in China - cursing and muttering incessantly - finally managing to send them in with 10 mins to spare - remembering to breathe.

The intelligent part: going through work with boss - having answers to all his questions - getting a good review.

The heart-warming part: hearing from an old friend - being called one of your many high school nicknames.

The guarded part: Writing about the abovementioned memory - and then deleting it, cuz otherwise it’d be revealing too much - to too many people - who's see right through it

The lame part : The mind turning blank within minutes of starting to write.

I should just not bother. This is crap.