How do you breathe

I recently completed 10 months at my first job, and fortunately, I am not as dissatisfied as a lot of my peers with their respective job.

But a long lunch and insightful conversation with my colleagues got me thinking this Friday – about exactly how satisfying or fulfilling I find my job –

On bad days, I spend countless hours in meetings which are a complete waste of time; write a gazillion emails, and adding absolutely no value to the business, or to myself; drink far too many expensive lattes, watch everything go wrong; whine about everything that went wrong, and pack up and leave, feeling underpaid and over worked.

On good days, I lead meetings, influence people, make decisions, resolve issues, change the way things are done – and make a difference. I manage to have pleasant lunch breaks with colleagues/friends; manage half-decent meals, leave for the gym on time, and have a solid work out.

But at the end of the day – be it good or bad, what am I essentially doing? Adding value to the business? Gaining work experience? Honing my skills? Networking? So the company benefits from it, and I personally benefit from it. But something’s missing –

After 10 months, now that I have settled in, and am no longer overwhelmed by the size of the company or the extent of my job – I guess I can sit back and look at the whole picture. And I can put a finger on what is missing –

The non-material, external factor. Where it’s not about how much money I made or saved for the company, and in return how much they paid me! But if I actually made a difference in anyone’s life. It’s pathetic how I left student mentoring for inexcusable reasons such as thesis, job interviews, then the job itself, etc.

Some days, I go to bed thinking if this is all that I want to do in life. Other days I wonder if this is exactly what I don’t want to do. Most nights, I don’t know.

Maybe if I find that something which goes beyond my current grip, and makes me stand on my tip toes, and reach out, maybe then, it’ll all fall in place.

Till then, I can go to bed knowing that I haven’t sold my soul to the devil. Well, at least not yet.