And I'll leave this life behind me

Some bad dreams have this foul after-taste, lingering in your mouth all day, and nothing can make it go away.

And you end up living an entire day, not feeling like yourself.

Its cold, and its dark, and you don't have a clue

One step at a time.

Yesterday, I paused to think.

Today, I admit that there are some unresolved issues.

Tomorrow I’ll try to express them in words, in my own head.

Then, I’ll realize my fears and insecurities.

Eventually, I’ll accept them.

Only then, will I make myself think them through.

N then, I’ll gather the courage to talk. To admit I’m scared.

Then, I’ll talk.

N hope that there is an answer.

An answer. A solid, opaque, defined, answer.

But is there one?

Should I look for something which might not even be there in the first place?

Or just wait for it to show up and tap me on the shoulder when I least expect it?

Beautiful Stranger

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Best friends forever.

Bull shit.

As I discovered today.

There is no point in holding on to a handful of Polaroids because the color eventually fades away, and when you open that box of souvenirs, you find yourself staring at nothing but square pieces of plastic coated paper, with blurred, or better yet, no images.

Unless, of course, you take care of them. Phone calls, emails, visits. Frequent at first. n then a few. N then none. Or the customary ones. Large smiles, but no connection. At all.

A bland conversation, followed by a rushed goodbye, tc. He is guilty of the first, and I, of the second. N not it was not because I was feeling particularly bitchy at the moment. As a matter of fact, I was in a great mood, and thot it’d be great to catch up with an old old old friend. Boy, was I wrong.

Yeh, people grow up, people move on, people get distant. Should learn to let go of things gracefully. I know all that crap, and although heartbreaking at times, I have accepted it. You can say *keep in touch* to everyone, but only manage to do that with some. I get it.

But what bothers me is when someone keeps making u feel like you’re not doing enough to keep your end of the *bargain*. And claims that you are so important to them and that they care so much about you. They know you so well because they’ve known you forever, and blah blah blah.

And yet they have no clue about who you are, and what hurts you and what doesn’t. What irks you, and what pushes u and makes you go away. If they really did know you, then why would they keep the things that hurt, again and again?

I’ve changed. I know. Everyone has. He has too. We lead totally different lives, have our own group of friends, our own set of problems, our own goals, and plans. The only thing we have left in common is memories. And they’re precious. So don’t make them worthless for me.

Yeh, I’ll try to keep in touch. And yeah, next time, I am in the area, I’ll visit.

But don’t tell me I’ve changed and that I don’t care. Because so have you.

And the next time something big happens in my life, good, or bad, I wouldn’t tell you.

Cuz you wouldn’t know what it means to me anyways. Or, you’d manage to make a joke out of it, and me, while I wonder how it could possibly be funny.

Cuz you know me so well.

I won't be your winter

Those strangers that you thought you knew. But you didn’t actually.

Their cold and detached behavior should not bother you. It would anger you occasionally. It can frustrate you. But bother you, no.

Heated emotions, aren’t they, anger and frustration? Hot enough to get rid of their cold touch.

They were strangers anyway.

Stay warm.

Answer the phone

So, my cell phone is dying on me. Ordinarily, I'd be rejoicing, cuz I get to buy a new one. But not this time, cuz 1. I like this phone; 2. Its not THAT old, 6 months, 3. I'm broke! :) So when it started interrupting all my calls with this extremely annoying static buzz, I started wondering why! Oh come on, Nokias dont die out that fast!

I havent dropped it recently! I haven't flushed it down the toilet either! Then why!

n Then it hit me! Tears! Yeh, so I was crying on the phone for a long enough period of time, that the tears might have gotten in!

*yes yes, go ahead n say it, what a cry - baby! *

Anyhoo, now I'm jus amused at how my phone is probably all salty and damp inside, and frankly, I have heard of a gazillion ways how people have messed up their phones, but this one I havent across too often!

I was told I should open it up and let it dry, except this clever phone has one of those tiny screw thingis holding the front cover in place! N i cant take it apart! Oh well, till then, all calls have been diverted to Little Devil's phone! :)

A trip to the Nokia service center...blargh! :S

Other insignificant things :

• Today for the first time, my stomach reacted to curry, and not in a good way! It went all acidic n stuff! Now that NEVER happens! I used to be able to eat anything and everything, and not fall sick! *touch wood* Even my bro's cooking!
  
• I have this extremely mushy, and thus, annoying song stuck in my head! "Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow "
• I have been awake for 19 hrs now, without a wink, let alone a nap!
  
• There are some mistakes I keep repeating, and never learn! *whack me on the head please*
  
• If I don't get back to work now, I'll be the walking definition of *screwed*

As Seether says :

"And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day "

If I fall down would you come around and pick me right up off the ground?

There are those who’re always there for you, no matter what. So that when you need to melt down, you actually can. They allow you to be weak, pass the Kleenex, hold your hair back, and watch you become stronger. And somehow, even when you’re at your ugliest, all red n splotchy n stinky n grouchy, they make you feel pretty. And loved.

Then there are those who’ll be there once you shout out. Just once, perhaps twice. But there, nonetheless. All you needed to do was be strong enough to shout out. You don’t call upon them often, but in those rare moments that you do, you feel blessed to have such people in your life.

N then there are those who surprise you. By watching your back and sweeping you off in mid – air before the touchdown, and putting you back on your feet. When you least expected them to. The hidden gems of your life. They’re the ones who restore your faith when you turn into a cynic.

N there are those who seem like they’ll always be there. They’re always present, always around, always willing. But when you start counting on them; believing in them. Just when you let yourself fall for it, and find yourself needing them, they’ll be missing.

Coincidence? Or have you been fooled?

Oh well, either way, 3 out of 4! Not bad, huh?

Are you still having fun?

3 am

dark alley

outside the lab

break from studying

the engineer, the little devil & the rainchild

one empty coke can

street soccer

cacophonous echoes

n its a goal

ouch!

my poor toe

Always Refreshing, Coca Cola

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep...Stuck in Reverse

Sunday Nite. 1:30am. Sitting in computer lab. Listening to Coldplay.

And wondering if and when the power struggle in a relationship ends. By relationship, I don’t necessarily mean a romantic one. Just any two people, and a hearty dosage of ego. Being a Leo, I’m guilty of engaging in these power games on many occasions. Ironically, that’s how some of my close relationships start : a lot of resistance, a lot of struggles, and a thick wall of laughter, that keeps one from getting too close and gaining too much power. But that’s just the beginning, sort of like an initiation, full of mischief, mockery, jokes and small talk. As the relationship evolves, these games become meaningless, and eventually phase out, to establish a balance. Both have now stopped playing the mind games and have accepted the power the other has over them. However, this acceptance leaves them bare, vulnerable and very dependent.

But what you do? Sort of like Jumanji, you can not leave it in the middle. It’s a dangerous game after all, and once started, it has to reach one of the two possible ends.

The Balance, or The Continuous loop, where this need for power keeps increasing, as neither is willing to give in. Jokes lead to biting sarcasm and then to bitterness; which, when harbored quietly turns malignant. This is the other possible end, as the two participants reach indifference, and walk way with their losses without meeting each other’s gaze.

Fresh strangers.

Have played this a few times. Won some. Lost others.

The unique thing about this game is that there are either two winners, or two losers.

And then there’s one that I don’t want to play. A dysfunctional game, which keeps ending, only to start again before I can even catch my breath.

Today, it had to end. I promised not to be stubborn, not to be egoistic, and was prepared to even step down a notch, just to make sure that there are no loop holes, no threads left untied.

But it takes two to tango.

Stakes raised, things said.

In the game of stubborn vs. stubborn, no one won. I wouldn’t say its lost, but definitely not over. It’s just stuck in what seems to be a never ending cycle.

N I’m tired.

I don’t want to play anymore.

You belong somewhere you feel free

I have been a lot of things, to a lot of people.

Daughter, friend, sister, cousin, confidant, counselor, punching bag, colleague, classmate, mentor, mentee. etc.

But I want to be a nobody. To you.

Sierra sunrise and Margarita

And here’s to a kick – ass weekend!

Yes, after a long long time, I had a proper weekend! U know, the time of the week when you actually get to go out, have fun, and actually relax a bit!

Dressing up pretty was a requirement, because its prolly the last time we’d all get to go out till exams! N that’s exactly what we did. (We = Little Devil & I)

M picked us up and off we were, to Arab street! The rest of the 6 ppl were waiting for us at the sheesha bar and thankfully, this place was much nicer compared to the last time! Carpeted floors, cushions to sit on, with those super low tables! So you can look all classy and laid back, with the sheesha sitting next to you, smoking occasionally, and looking slightly intoxicated. * I don’t think anyone was light – headed but it was fun to look it, with dreamy half – closed eyes and smiling away! Conversation flowed and lots of pics were clicked! Note that out of the 10 people, I was meeting one for the first time, and M n Noc hadn’t met atleast 5 of those people before. The group clicked instantly, and work stories and jokes about each other, especially, never – heard – before embarrassing stories of *ahem, first kisses, ahem* were exchanged! Mwahahaha, I know someone is reading this! *which is why I HAD TO ABSOLUTELY add this*

Then, much to our amusement, the guys were asked to leave. Apparently, after a certain time, that part of the bar was open to females only, and the guys had to step out, because the place was packed and they couldn’t find another table! N just for the fun of it, we girls decided to ditch the guys and hang out a bit longer! So we waved the guys off from the balcony with kisses n pictures and several hand gestures were seen~! ;)

Eventually we figured we’d join them and off we went for my much awaited margaritas! By now the group had grown to 14 people and it was impossible to find a table at first~ so while waiting, some of us *some = 3 girls* downed those funky shots and waited for our table! Plenty of beers, margaritas, shots, and chips, and we were one loud, giggily, n animated group! Pictures, cute guys *okay, cute guy, just one* interesting conversation *he was intelligent too* and ohh, more margaritas! N all this time, I din realize that another group of friends was sitting jus a couple of tables away, and I sooooooo hope that they din witness certain things that went on at our table! Let's jus say they were a wee bit embarressing! Went n said hello on our way out, and took along a Slightly *ahem* Tipsy friend, for cover! This moring, Tipsy was very amused and embarrassed at the same time, and I’m not sure if she remembers everything from last nite! I shall quiz her on the names of the people she met, just to make sure! ;) n then tell her that she might have been hitting on someone! *might*

I love Tipsy after she’s had a few drinks! She says the cutest things! N of course, all this time, Little Devil was downing her shots and grinning away, ready for more N at the same time, making breakfast plans for 9am on a Sunday! Needless to say, 3 very groggy girls did wake up at 9 *yes, we managed! Only God knows why!!* and went to McDonalds to meet a 4^th friend and have pancakes!

I came back and promptly fell asleep, while Little Devil and Tipsy went elsewhere! The rest of the weekend is blurred behind the sheesha smoke, and this is gonna be one Saturday Night worth remembering!

Right Tipsy? ;)