When you feel so tired but you can't sleep...Stuck in Reverse

Sunday Nite. 1:30am. Sitting in computer lab. Listening to Coldplay.

And wondering if and when the power struggle in a relationship ends. By relationship, I don’t necessarily mean a romantic one. Just any two people, and a hearty dosage of ego. Being a Leo, I’m guilty of engaging in these power games on many occasions. Ironically, that’s how some of my close relationships start : a lot of resistance, a lot of struggles, and a thick wall of laughter, that keeps one from getting too close and gaining too much power. But that’s just the beginning, sort of like an initiation, full of mischief, mockery, jokes and small talk. As the relationship evolves, these games become meaningless, and eventually phase out, to establish a balance. Both have now stopped playing the mind games and have accepted the power the other has over them. However, this acceptance leaves them bare, vulnerable and very dependent.

But what you do? Sort of like Jumanji, you can not leave it in the middle. It’s a dangerous game after all, and once started, it has to reach one of the two possible ends.

The Balance, or The Continuous loop, where this need for power keeps increasing, as neither is willing to give in. Jokes lead to biting sarcasm and then to bitterness; which, when harbored quietly turns malignant. This is the other possible end, as the two participants reach indifference, and walk way with their losses without meeting each other’s gaze.

Fresh strangers.

Have played this a few times. Won some. Lost others.

The unique thing about this game is that there are either two winners, or two losers.

And then there’s one that I don’t want to play. A dysfunctional game, which keeps ending, only to start again before I can even catch my breath.

Today, it had to end. I promised not to be stubborn, not to be egoistic, and was prepared to even step down a notch, just to make sure that there are no loop holes, no threads left untied.

But it takes two to tango.

Stakes raised, things said.

In the game of stubborn vs. stubborn, no one won. I wouldn’t say its lost, but definitely not over. It’s just stuck in what seems to be a never ending cycle.

N I’m tired.

I don’t want to play anymore.