Blame it on the damn rain

It’s strange how the same rain that used to pacify me, is making me so restless; how waking up to a rainy day used to leave me cheerful, yet, this morning’s rain left me unsettled.

All day.

That, and the dream from the early hours of the morning. Which was so intricate, and so vivid that I woke up in the middle and wanted to write it down.

I went back to bed thinking there is no way I’d forget this.

Now, its gone. I don’t remember a single details. Been trying to piece it together all day. And nothing. No luck.

It feels like a great loss.

Someone related to someone close to me passed away more than a week ago. I found out today. I didn’t know him. The news has left me inexplicably disturbed. God Bless his soul.

Finished reading The Scent of Wet Earth in August late last night/early morning today. Ironic how the book ended with the arrival of the much – awaited rain. It’s not a particularly depressing book, and yet one that makes you feel sorry for almost all the characters. I could have cried.

Afternoon with friends. No doubt, we will remain retarded and hilarious forever. And never “grow – up.” What a relief. Thank God, at least we’ll always be laughing.

Someone far, made the heart feel warm when it was chilly outside.

Someone close, and nearby, felt like a stranger. Distant.

A mélange of feelings that finally, leaves one - detached.

Blame it on the damn rain.

A possible meaning of silence

Anger. colorful. varied. immense. loud. vast. strong. complex and so difficult to grasp that sometimes it leaves me amazed at our ability to feel something so intense.

Often, if someone askd me why I was angry about something at a given moment, they'd be amused. At something so small? So silly?, they'd say. Its the one emotion that I cannot decipher within myself, and the fact that the reasons seem so silly jus aggravates it. While the brain logically explains the whole situation and declares the person in question, innocent, the heart rejects the verdict. N the process of fighting and reasoning with the heart just fans the flame n keeps it going.

Just like love, despair, sorrow, etc, anger cant be expressed fully in words. We do try by shouting, screaming, hurling obscenities, throwing things, saying hurtful things or telling people we hate them. The worst expression of anger, however, is silence. When words arent adequate. They'd just be the tip of the iceberg.

So looks like I'm a little angry. Yes, its silly. n No, I'm not saying anything about it.

n yet another New Year...

I often tried to piece together all of 2005, but it seemed too exhausting a challenge; especially when I couldn’t find the one piece around which I could start the quilt. From time to time, I find myself staring at the pieces floating around and wonder what a quilt of memories it would have been…complete with the sequined bits, the shiny strips, the bright pieces, the velvets, the lace and the ribbons. But then I step on that ugly dark square, and realize that it just wouldn’t fit my otherwise gorgeous work of art. N how about the forgotten pieces, the ones that are hidden in the corners, behind the doors, under the furniture? It would be incomplete without them. N I want a complete quilt, no holes, no gaps, no missing pieces.

So that’s when I gave up trying. Instead of trying to sum up the entire year in an ensemble, and run the risk of missing out some bits, I decided to leave the pieces strewn all over. So that once in a while, I can pick one up and smile. Or laugh. Or cry. And put it back right there, perhaps to relive it again another time.

The celebration was a mixed bag of goodies… long queues but finally a table full of friends at a sexy restaurant…good food, pretty cocktails, lots of laughter and a hefty bill! Jammed phone network, live music, more friends n unfortunately, no dancing! A 2 hr wait at the cab stand, high heels n sore ankles, and finally sweet sleep! Nothing terribly exciting…nothing terribly disappointing. Oh well, a mixed bag indeed.

Then day 1 of the new year, the day that determines how the rest of the year would turn out! *an amusing superstition*

A lazy morning that started earlier than I wanted, with a call from mom n dad. Lots of emails n sms’ wishing everyone a Happy New Year. Chat with hungover friends, and discussions about the previous nite. Long conversations with the loved ones who weren’t around. A lazy n late lunch with the hilarious ones. It only gets better! A sweet phone call from a missed one! Brightens up the dull mood! A cute movie n fun evening with a good friend. N Subway cookies! N a blank FYP report that I refuse to get started on…

Still the cookie junky…still the procrastinator! Somethings don’t change..be it 2006 or whenever!

Not a bad start to the year now, is it?