All that she wants

It’s well past midnight and although I’m extremely tired, I’m far from sleepy. A whole lot of things are gnawing at the back of my head, keeping me awake, and cranky. When all failed, I figured I might as well pen them down. It usually helps me get rid of fighting issues one by one, laying them out and then sitting back to see the whole picture. The fact that this space is not as anonymous as it once was does not bother me - I don’t feel the need to be hiding in the comfort of anonymity anymore. I don’t need a disclaimer, but still – this is not me whining. This is me just lending my worries to this space, so I can make way for sleep.

*The fact that I don’t have a specific goal in my career, and it is up to me to define it, both exhilarating and scary. While I have the freedom to choose between aiming to do well in this assignment, working for a short term in this company, and planning my career with it, I can’t seem to settle on one to work hard towards. So far, I had milestones at specific time intervals – high school – 4 years – university – 4 years, and I knew what I wanted to get out of each of those. Now, I don’t know where I want to place the next milestone for my career. 2 years? 3 years? 10 years? Its all very exciting, but at the moment, I’m too overwhelmed to appreciate this freedom.

*I wish I did something more meaningful at times. No leads on Laos yet. Sigh.

*Why don’t I have the willpower to stop using food as a comfort object during tough times ~ and lose a few pounds that I know I can do without. There are no healthy options near the office, and I have inherited my love for food from both my parents. Living in a country where girls are 99% skinny – it’s tough sometimes to feel all that great about yourself. And when the weighing scale at the gym, mocks your sweaty work out – it isn’t funny!!!

*Where will I be living in two months time? I need a new house since the landlord wants this place back; 2 out of 4 of us are uncertain about whether they will still need to be in Singapore after June, so I don’t know if we should look for a place for 2 or 4. I know I know, I shouldn’t worry so much about things I don’t have control over, but I do anyways.

*I want to travel – while I still can, commitment free. I wish that I had company to travel, with people who were at the same frequency at me. The Genting trip was cancelled – due to unfortunate and unforeseen immigration and important commitments. I understand, but I am frustrated that I spend the CNY weekend AND this long weekend in town, doing nothing different. I have resolved that I am going to start traveling alone – one can always use quality time with themselves, and can never make enough friends!

*I wonder if I’ll ever have a relationship that was not perpetually shadowed by clouds of uncertainly. Or distance. Always. Because I don’t think I can keep looking out for the silver lining. One can’t always see it, you know. I didn’t know that a simple one would be so hard to come across. I might see a faint silver if I squint hard enough.

* I don’t want to feel bad about not having savings. I pay all my bills, a huge CPF, and paying for more than 50% of my college education, by forcefully taking a uni loan, and now repaying it myself. Throw in the few expensive presents for the family that I always wanted to get them, and finally have the means to, and splurge on myself once in a while on myself. Complete financial independence – check. The right “to own that ridiculously high pair of shoes, and many other “non-sensible” pretty things” earned? – Check.

*I wish I knew how to manage my time better so I could accommodate all that I wish to do in the 24 hours that is a day. Because days go by and months change without warning, and I am way off some personal goals. I am not pleased with myself.

I should now go to bed – hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll find half of my worries, if not all, juvenile and worth a good laugh.

And buy something new – to add to the collection of “things I could’ve lived without”