Where I spent the day after X-mas

...trying to leave footsteps behind...

...n watching them get washed away...

...sinking...

...reaching out....

...n planning my next trip...

Nice and Slow

*Post from Dec 25th, 2006*

Its 11 pm and I’m watching corny Hindi movies in my pajamas, with my ever expanding ass parked comfortably on a big, warm couch. Before that, I was painting my toes a deep brown, matching the couch on which was posterior was slowly sinking in. Prior to that, the feet were soaked in warm water, and the ass was on the same old couch.

Judging from the number of times I mention the words couch and ass in the previous few sentences, one can guess how I’m spending these 5 days at home! *winkie*

Now this is life!

The uncomfortable topic has been opened and closed with the mom. Thankfully, she’s very understanding, and read the “I don’t wanna talk about it “expression on my face. She didn’t push further. I guess I wanted to get the talk over with, so that it wouldn’t loom over my head into the next year! checked off the list!

Sometimes, I wonder. If I want to live it easy, or tough. If I want it all, or just make do with what I have? If I want it all planned out, or take it as it comes?

Planning’s good because then you have a goal, a vision of where you are going, and what you’re working towards. The problem, however, is the frustration that comes every time something doesn’t go according to plan. And that always happens.

If I don’t have a plan, then the feeling of not knowing where it’s all going, and having no drive and passion, is unnerving.

A balance of the two is something one can spend their entire life trying to achieve.

Sigh – what’s a girl to do. Especially when she always thought that the concept of balance and equilibrium was always over rated anyways!

Silent Night...

Friday, Dec 22^nd, 2006

*Posted typed at the airport / in flight / *

I’m about to take off to Bangkok in a matter of minutes, and the usual excitement of scheming for shopping and going out, has been replaced by the sense of relief at the thought of sleeping long hours, eating healthy, home food, and doing nothing. I think I’m aging at an exponential rate, because one does not spend the festive season in Thailand sleeping!!! I’m such a disgrace to the country this season!

Another year comes to an end and I don’t think it makes me feel any different. It was, however, a year that marked several milestones for me and the family. I completed the thesis, and graduated from the godforsaken engineering course! I bagged a kick ass job (I’m not gloating, I’m calling it kick ass cuz I love it), moved out to a house, and entered the working world. The little one graduated from high school and moved to the other side of the world to pursue higher education.

With 2006 came a new stage of life – one with more certainties, and bigger decisions, longer hours, and uncompromised independence. The perks: renewed confidence and greater challenges. Grown – uppyness ( self created word! ), being single, more partying, and thus higher consumption of alcohol! The costs: The carefree nature of a uni student, and a relationship. As they say, you win some, you lose some.

I’d be extremely cynical if I said that I lost more than I gained this year. I’d be annoyingly positive if I said that I gained more. Today, I chose the latter, because when I look back, I find far more things to smile about and be thankful for, then those to cry over. And thankfully, not much to regret.

Ever since I learnt (a little late, but still, better than never ) that one has to be responsible for their own happiness, I refuse to dwell over the lows, and instead, grin silly over the highs. The slumps will only be remembered by the precious lessons learnt from them, and the tear ducts that have run dry, will not be refilled.

Because, shit happens, and it’s really not worth keeping score of. Smiles, however, make great pictures and even get u free drinks! *wink wink*

I’d say goodbye to this year, with a very satisfied smile, thinking of and being thankful for the great family, the kick ass job, and pricesless friends!

God Bless, and Happy Holidays to All!

Someday you'll know

A phoenix rises from its ashes. Us Leos are similar.

I, rise from my tears .

The great thing about being a Leo is the giant sized ego that comes as a package deal – thus making sure that even from the lowest of lows, they bounce right back, like the "Hit – Me" dolls. That’s because they don’t like self – pity, and loathe those who dare to be sympathetic, after hurting them.

So my words of wisdom to those who mistakingly think that their actions will change my life, are : "Get - Over - Yourself".

In.your.face!

Friends, we love. Friends, we’ll go whining to when it gets that low, make imaginary voodoo dolls with, bitch, and cry, and accept that supporting shoulder. But self-righteous people who hurt and then try to offer pity/help/care to heal – a big thanks but no thanks. We appreciate the intentions; allow me now, to show you the door.

It’s a matter of pride. It’s a Leo thing.

*a-n-y-h-o-o* so that’s that.

Mid – week margaritas are yumm! Add some sinful, cheese smothered nachos, great company, and endless bitching, and you have the perfect recipe to spend a rainy Tuesday evening, especially if the skies haven’t stopped leaking for almost 2 days!

Don’t get me wrong, I like the rain. I love the rain. But only when I can enjoy watching it from my bed, looking out of the window – not when I have to walk through it, get my new shoes wet, declare the umbrella to be utterly useless, stand in the longest queues for taxis, and sit in buses with leaking roofs. Ugh and double Ugh!

N what’s with the whole world getting married! It’s the new in thing?? All that anyone could talk about back in India was – who’s getting married next, who should hook up with who, and why I and others my age should start thinking about it right away! As happy as I am for the newly wed couple, I so don’t wanna be in their shoes anytime soon.

Actually, make that never. No, not saying I don’t wanna get married. I just don’t think I can do with a week of ceremonies, being on mute, listening to everyone, pasting a smile on your face, and not enjoying your own wedding. While all the guests seemed to have an awesome time, the poor bride and the groom just looked dead tired, and borderline irritated at the camera flashes, and never ending ceremonies. This opinion was expressed to the wedding-struck mother, and was received rather well. It’s a relief knowing that we both don’t this for me. Everything else was conveniently left hanging in mid-air. (else = when do u want to get married, to who, what are your plans, etc. etc. )

Someday mom, someday, sometime, somewhere, someone! Now THAT, is a plan!

With or Without you

You’d be surprised to find out the things you can do without. And those that you cannot.

100 Tears away

Some losses are worth enough, that it’s okay to cry over them, time and again. I like to think it’s honoring them, showing respect, towards something that was yours, and is unfortunately no more.

Coincidently, two random sitcoms mentioned the 5 stages of grief. You know the jargon : Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Denied, and stood strong.

Yelled and screamed.

Bargained. Perhaps.

Depression. Not sure if this is over, or yet to come.

Acceptance. Definitely not there yet.

This.is.scary.

I was really hoping this was some mushy jargon for the TV. Please tell me I'm just tired and thinking too much - and this stuff is only true for sitcoms.

I'd hate to accept. Because then there'd be another stage. Defeat.

Where we gonna go from here?

I’m bored at the office – 3 out of 5 ppl in my team are away, and the new cute guy isn’t in today. The weather’s gloomy, perfect setting for a Monday – to nap in. I figure I’d be discovered immediately if I tried to nap in a huddle room, so I’m typing away and singing along with Pandora (in my head)

I’ve been considering spending the over-hyped, over-rated, and extremely boring new years at home this time. The options are I could spend half the evening standing in queues in Singapore – restaurants, clubs, loos, taxi stands, or I could be at home, at a simple party with the family friends. Singapore – hassle + booze. Home – no hassles + no booze + very good food. I’m stumped. And then there’s the question of whether to go home for X-mas (4 days), New years (5 days) or for the whole stretch and manage a 10 day break. Stumped yet again.

A sexy little ixus has been purchased with my name on it. It’s cute, small, fits the purse, and takes great pictures! My very sweet boss, upon hearing that I intended to buy a camera, offered to pick it up for me from Hong Kong, on his biz trip, and got me a great deal. Lower price plus a 2 GB memory card! Now I can’t wait for him to get back!

The little one just messaged to tell me that he’s going to Toronto for the x-mas break – that lucky brat. He’s also getting an ipod for x-mas, because he’s doing very well at uni, and his sister feels awful that he’s away from home this holiday season. Did I mention, he’s a lucky brat! ;)

I realize that I’m left with only 1 weekend to go to India and I haven’t done any presents shopping. And I am spending half of my next weekend taking part in an Amazing Race, which is to raise funds for a comm. service project the girls are involved in. The Little Devil and Tipsy will rough it out in Calcutta for 3 weeks – spending time educating, and doing projects with the less fortunate children. I couldn’t be more proud to have friends, with the biggest hearts. A big cheers to the girls, and this project.

Travel agent’s are irritating – they ask a gazillion questions and then find me no bookings. So I’m taking matters in my own hands - off to book my tickets, and day dream about India and then home!

1000 miles

No point in tugging at, evaluating, justifying, and wondering about something - which wasn't there to begin with. And if you do, like I did, and feel like a fool, then, hon, you deserved it. You were being stupid, so why blame anyone else.

One of the most thrown around phrases is to "move on." It is also one of the most ambiguous terms, and could mean differnet things to different people.

One could have moved on from one relationship, or could have moved on from the whole concept of relationships. From having a pampered life where everything was paid for, everything was taken care of. Or from having a materialistic life altogether. From a major event in life. Or, from the time frame when it happened. Kept walking with time, till the distance between it and you increased.

So when they talk about moving on, how do you know if you have or not? Are you merely measuring how far you have come from the issue, and have thus moved on? Or if you have made peace with it and laid it to rest?

I miss sitting by the ocean - rising tides somehow sooth inner turmoils. Especially when you can feel something brewing inside, but it's too soon to know how big and destructive it could be. Better put it to sleep with the sea's lullaby.

X-mas shall be spent by the beach.

Fragmented, unclear posts - seems to be a pattern here. Gee, I wonder what it means.

Free Falling

Free – falls.

I want to fall free. Sans inhibitions. Sans safety supports. Sans back ups. Sans control.

I remember 5 years ago – at a hilly country club in Thailand. Riding mountain bikes up a killer slope. Just to ride it back down – without holding the handle bars. Leaning back. Wind on our faces. Hands spread out. Feet off the pedals. No safety wheels. No control. Free fall.

One rock, that’s all it would take to make the bike go out of control and skid down the slope along with the biker. But this was overridden by the pure bliss and high that one felt while coming down.

I want to ride a bike down a steep slope, and let go of the handle bars. Again. I want to feel that high. Again.

Such memories and more, from too long a time ago, make me sift through the recent ones, to find one in which, I -

Saw the rainbow colors in soap bubbles.

Lost track of time while talking on the phone.

Ran around in the rain. Basked in the sun. Made ice – cold lemonade on a hot afternoon. Realized that there are seasons – see them come. Wave them good bye.

Went on a long walk and lost my bearings.

Tried to bake brownies.

Fell asleep reading, with the lights on.

Snuck something. Anything. From anyone.

Had a crush. A real one – with the butterflies and the blushing and the nick names.

Hurt myself – in a way that required a band – aid to heal. Only.

Gazed at the stars.

Cried over a book. A song.

Hugged, and forgot to let go.

. and I find none.

I’m baffled by my loss. Because I know they exist. Somewhere in the yellowing pages of the ream, which I locked away, to keep safe.

I’m bothered. Because I didn’t realize that behind those unbreakable locks, I left a part, that was me.

I’m restless because I see them from far, but don’t know where I’ve put the key.

Bigger, Stronger

I spoke to someone today who is about to get married, and who was suffering from pre-nuptial anxiety attacks. About sharing a large part of your life with someone else. And I, had to calm this person down and highlight the merits of marriage and togetherness. The said person and I had just recently concluded that I am indeed afraid of commitments. We couldn’t help laughing at the fact that I, someone who can’t even commit to a tattoo because it is “too permanent” would calm someone’s nerves and convince them that getting married would be the best thing that’s happened to them.

Later, this person remarked that “Maybe you are only afraid on the surface, but deep inside, you believe in marriage, and commitment, that’s why you could convince me.” To which, I very confidently said, “I am a very persuasive person. This is nothing personal. Now, go do something useful! ”

On a totally disconnected note,

Is it true, what they say? Time does heal most things.

All – I wouldn’t agree. But most, yes.

Or maybe it doesn’t heal them, but makes us stronger, to confront the past, and, sometimes, even the future.

eyes wide open

She dreams about the

*blue skies and yellow flowers. A swing. A fence. Hot afternoons and the ice cream man. Jogs in the park. Dining in the moonlight. Fresh. Simple.

*the patio. By the beach. Waking up and hearing the waves. Reading. Watching. Walking.

*early mornings and coffee on the go. Power lunches. Demands. Results.

*breakfast in bed. Stolen moments. Being loved.

*boots . footprints in the snow. The fireplace. The smell of cinnamon.

*leaves that change color. Of flowers that bloom. For seasons that change.

*promises that were made. Things that were said.

*lives that we weaved. And undid.

*vacations planned. and emptied.

*meals to be cooked. Birthdays to be planned. apartments to be shared. Arguments to be resolved.

*drives that lead nowhere, and yet far away.

*days

*when she still used to dream.

Two Weeks. In Key Words.

So things have slowed down a bit. Diwali is over. Off – site is over. And Global visit is over. I can finally catch my breath. The remaining 3 days are packed 9-6 with meetings but it’s okay. The worst is over. I still have a job!

the weekend at home was great. As usual, too short. But great nonetheless.

The off site was a huge success. I’d organized a Halloween dinner which kicked major ass. I was very appropriately dressed as a devil! The second night was spent dining in style at Sirocco, located high up on the 64^th floor, with even higher prices. Totally worth it. Partying at Bed Supper Club was a mandatory touristy activity and we did due diligence. Day 3 was a sticky one – wanted to come back early to settle work but couldn’t pre-pone the flight. The day was well spent however, shopping, and meeting a friend for lunch. At Siam Paragon. Day 1 had a half spa treatment – foot massage, reflexology, and pedicure! For an unbelievable price. A large part of day 2 was spent at the spa, to escape the afternoon heat, which was phenomenal. So looks like I covered everything that was on the Bangkok list.

Being back was a nightmare, because the following week, i.e. this week, is packed with meetings and the global guests visit. Thankfully, the visit went fine and I have successfully done my first senior management presentation. *yay*

The guests have been entertained well and are on their way back tomorrow. Meetings will be taken care of tomorrow, and the work computer is not to be switched on tonight!

After what seems like a sabbatical, I’ve been on a movie binge. In the past 2 weeks I have seen Devil Wears Prada, The Break Up, Friends with Money, Man of the Year, Don, Prestige, The Good Year & The guardian. Prestige was twisted. Good year – sweet. Not life changing. The guardian – freezing. Devil – entertaining. Don – sleep – inducing. The rest – worth watching on 2X.

Speaking of which, life seems to be running at 2x lately. Everything’s moving fast, and I’m loving every bit of it. The most stressful time at work is over, and after this week, I’ll have more breathing space – which I’m looking forward to. Tickets for India have been booked. Plans to meet up with cousins in progress – and yes, I know a 6-day trip is too short!

New plans in the pipeline are a business trip to china – which would lead to a vacation either in Beijing or Hong Kong. A trip to the US later in the year, which would then lead to a flight up to Canada to see the little one, or visit friends and travel in the States. Hoping to squeeze another site visit on the way. The business trips are confirmed. The vacation plans are in the air. But I’m excited anyways!

Its bedtime – because this entire week is 9am or earlier, which sucks! Team dinner tonight. Company dinner tomorrow. Celebration dinner Friday. How am I expected to fit in my clothes?

Milk & Toast

***Post from Sunday Night***

I love little quirks in people – the small yet strange things that people do, for no particular reason, and are usually unique to particular individuals. I find them rather endearing and cute! For example, my dad has to comb his hair before going to bed. It’s another thing that he doesn’t have much of it left! Rosty can’t stand if it someone takes a bite from his burger and ruins its symmetry. Yes, the burger has to be eaten symmetrically – only God knows how! I absolutely hate it if someone squeezes the toothpaste out of the tube from the middle, leaving a huge dent in it! I mean how difficult is it – squeeze from the bottom!!! *okay, you get the idea* - so like I was saying, quirks are endearing. End of random thought.

Yet another Sunday night, full of determination and plans to 1. Wake up early; 2. Get to work on time; 3. Find the ten minutes in the morning to do yoga; 4. Be efficient on a Monday morning, refrain from whining/lamenting/procrastinating/bumming; 5. Stay focused; 6. Attain work-life balance. Blah blah blah

I just spoke to someone who’s been trying to attain work life balance for over 2 years now – and who’s in the same company. Looks like I have a long way to go…

The weekend’s been fun – too short, as always, but fun! Friday night was spent eating out, hanging out, and playing cards till the wee hours of the morning! Consequently, the Saturday started late in the afternoon, and was spent doing nothing fruitful! Not even laundry! The entire afternoon was spent lazing and chatting with one of the housemate’s friends who was visiting, and was leaving that day. After that, lazed more and watched an extremely dumb movie on DVD – My Super Ex-Girlfriend, or something along those lines. Not even worth the while on DVD! Gorged on Mexican food since I had the strongest craving for it, topped it up with some tequila, and called it a night! I’m getting too old, the nights are ending too early! I did however, flick a copy of The Tipping Point from Rosty’s office, and it’s a good read. Today I got up and in a burst of energy, cleaned the room, did laundry, and made a list of things to do. Then I got exhausted and had a long lunch with Blurry. During this long lunch, I was somehow convinced that I shouldn’t work on a Sunday and so headed out to Vivo City~ it’s a 10 minute ride from my place, and it actually feels like a mall! (I never enjoyed the malls in Singapore as much as the ones in Bkk! ) Watched The Departed, and loved it! Ohhhhhhh, it was twisted! A little too gory for my palette, but still worth the watch! Got home right after and out of guilt, did some work! *some* being the operative word here!

Now I should be ironing clothes for tomorrow morning, but I’m gonna read instead and eventually fall asleep! And wake up tomorrow morning, rush and curse myself for not ironing the night before. I’m used to it, thought. Some people just never learn!

Do you only wanna dance?

So I didn’t reward myself with the promised latte – even if I finished all the work before dropping dead asleep! I’m saving it for when I desperately need it. I woke up in a total daze – walking about the house, doing things out of habit, without being consciously aware of what they were and why.

It’s been a long day – and I’m too exhausted to do anything! Salsa was awesome, the high point of the week. The music, the energy & the freedom – one can’t wish for more, after a stress-packed day that robs your spirit otherwise. By the time I get home, every muscle in my body is sore – but I return with a huge smile on my face. A tired, but content one. Life feels a little less empty, and a lot more colorful with just one dance class.

Otherwise, I am a bit disillusioned. No wait, deranged. Okay, maybe just overwhelmed.

Whatever it is, I’m not going to figure out right now. I’m going to let this tired soul sleep – and kick some ass tomorrow!

Five is a four letter word

I’m extremely homesick suddenly. I don’t know why. My folks called, and I was preoccupied with work, so I hmm’d and uh huh’d during the entire conversation. 10 minutes later, I called them back and told them that I’m coming home for diwali. Alone in this place for 4 days, while my housemates are way, would turn me into a craze-ball. I do have to catch up on work though – but it can be carried home. It’ll give both them, and me, a reason to play with fireworks.

I never thought I was the type who’d miss festivals and vacations with the family, but the thought of the first big festival, when the family is split in 3 different parts of the world, makes my eyes well up. Either I’m turning into a softie or something’s seriously wrong with my hormones!

Its 11pm and I have no motivation to finish off the last bits of work before crashing! Which is probably why I’m writing this post instead!

It’s thanksgiving in Canada. Just a random fact.

My double wish list for Bangkok is taking shape; double because part I with the mother, and part II, without! Christmas shall come early this year! Or just a late birthday present to myself. Presents(s). Either way.

Plans for India are supposed to be taking shape, but I’ve been too busy to enquire about tickets. *reminder to self : book ticket!!!!* I can’t wait! I have to pack 3 years worth of catching up with a dozen people in 7 days. And cover 3-4 cities. AND attend a wedding that I’ve been waiting for, forever. AND call the remaining gazillion people I won’t get to meet. AND spend time with gramma. AND befriend the new additions to the family – kids, and the newly weds!

It’s good to have so much to look forward to!

Ahh I need motivation to finish the little things left!

Reward: grande hazelnut latte & blueberry muffin – guilt-free!

Snow on the Sahara

*Post written on Thursday night*

-----------------------------------------

I’m going to Bangkok at the end of the month! For a whole of 6 days, and I can’t wait!

Not because I get to go home, but also because I get to stay downtown, without family, and experience the city like a tourist! Why the big deal – because although I spent a major part of my life in Thailand, I was living with family, AND I was a high school kid, so age limit, parents, yadi yadi ya! But this time, it’ll be different. I’m going on a company off-site, but I’m flying in early, so that I can spend the weekend with my parents, and then spend the week with the team at a luxurious hotel, spoil myself silly with shopping, spas, partying, and have no curfews and no one to answer to! Yeh, I know I can do it here in Singapore too – but I’ve always wanted to check out Bangkok like a tourist. N I have a head start, since I’ve already seen the monuments, museums, and other touristy places, I can focus all my energy on shopping, eating, partying, massages, spas, and the like! *yay* I know I can use a holiday by the end of the month, thanks to the ever increasing work load!

Life seems to be in a good place, today. *touch wood* Hope I don’t jinx anything! Tomorrow’s Friday and I am booked all day at a new hire session – which means that a break from regular work! A deadline’s been extended due to this session, and I couldn’t have asked for more!

Sometimes, on good days, I do think that I’ve gotten lucky with most things! Not all, mind you, but most! It’s a good feeling – knowing that I have so much to be grateful for. I think it’s moments like these that replenish my tolerance and the ability to bite it down, when I’m about to lose it! *content smile*

I miss RIS friends today. Think its the talk of the upcoming trip!

The memories that never fail to make me smile. Time, work and distance have come in the way in keeping in touch with everyone – but they haven’t taken away the years I so fondly remember.

Why don't you slide?

I'm a Leo with a big ego, that doesn't allow me to admit my fears, insecurities, and troubles. Even on a semi – anonymous blog.

***Confession number 1***

(It's a start)

Living alone is not easy. *confession no. 2* - more on this later.

Im on a roll today!

I hate being judged. I've always been too sensitive for my own good – easily hurt by words, and judgments, even by those who don't matter much. Sometimes, you learn the hard way, and I guess I have. Countless hours and tears were wasted when they could've been spent on more worthwhile things. Staying optimistic though, at least I can say that it's helped me cultivate a sort of independence that will come in handy for the next few decades in my life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that most of us have grown up and become so engaged in keeping it together day after day, that we find little time to gossip and/or judge others. Which is great, no DUH? When I say we, I refer to the circle of close friends and people who matter. At the same time, we have also become more self assured and can't give a damn about what the others say, because we know that no one else is qualified enough to pass a verdict on the condition of our hearts, our actions, and our characters.

Then there are the people I wonder about, and almost feel sorry for. Those who lead a life so empty, that they have both the time and the energy, to scrutinize others' life, and make sweeping statements about it. Of course, I have no way of knowing that their lives are empty! Perhaps, they're really good at time management and can juggle their hours well, or perhaps their priorities are different. Either way, who am I to judge? *snickers*

So I sound a little condescending! So?

To put it in simple words – I am angry.
I had a little menagerie – assorted, sparse, but carefully selected.
I never prevented anyone from partaking in the joys it brought. I was naïve enough to open every one of these delicately wrapped pieces, and let them be seen. In the folds, at least they were protected – sealed fore safety. How was I to shield them, once opened? Why didn't I think? Who was going to, if not me? They were mine, after all.

I am angry because some of these handpicked pieces of life – have been reduced to shards that I cannot identify.

the unspoken ones

Come to a stand-still, please.

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

There are some clichés that I like to believe…such as time heals every wound, and que sera sera. I guess when you have nothing else that can reconcile the conflicts within you, and the cynicism just aggravates the hurt further, these time - honored clichés do provide a sense of comfort, hope, if you will.

Sometimes, I wonder if things are moving too fast, or too slow. Am I planning too far ahead – or not enough? Should I be prepared for the worst or take it as it comes? How do you know when to stop?

Stop working; thinking; asking; giving; expecting; wanting; believing; wishing; understanding; denying; accepting; tolerating; escaping; running; waiting; questioning; searching; answering.

When do you let go of the reins and play it by the ear? When do you let go of the reins and stand up to feel the wind against your face?

I wonder, I do.

Beneath the Wheel - Chapter 5

"When a tree is polled, it will sprout new shoots near its roots. A soul that is ruined in the bud will frequently return to the springtime of its beginnings and its promise-filled childhood, as though it could discover new hopes there and retie the broken threads of life. The shoots grow rapidly and eagerly, but it is only a sham life that will never be a genuine tree." - Beneath the Wheel, Herman Hesse.

Don't know how to describe how this makes me feel. Glad that someone put it down in words so well, or sad, that it's so true.