Give me back my point of view

I have been deeply disturbed ever since I rediscovered a live heart within myself. Apart from beating annoyingly and pumping blood everywhere, it does a lot more. Apparently it makes me cry.

What a jerk! Its like an extremely dominating boyfriend who dictates the terms of your life, when to laugh, when to cry, when to study, when to stone, when to write, when to make a phone call, when to eat, etc. etc. I swear, it’s a tyrant! An attention seeking control freak, that’s what it is!

Oh how I wish sometimes that the mind was strong enough to revolt against the heart, and put it right where it belongs!

Why can’t it just pump blood and leave it at that. I mean that’s what its there for. Why does it have to go around poking its nose into other business and having an opinion on everything, without having any authority on the given subject?

I had been warned about its controlling nature, and so I had it disciplined and very strictly trained all this while. It was such a well behaved heart, so docile and cooperative that I used to sometimes forget it existed, snuggled up in a corner somewhere.

Impressed by its good conduct, I decided to soften up a little, and loosened up my grip. You know, take off the leash and let it wander around. Wish I’d known better. It has now made its presence loud and clear in my life, and taken over far more than I’d ever want it to. So all this time that it was being that meek little kid in the corner of the class, it was actually plotting all this! And now it has so much power that I’m afraid it might not be able to handle it, and make stupid decisions.

Sigh.

I shouldn’t have loosened up on it. My bad.

Enslaved by its moods and colors, I wonder what each day would be like.

And no, this uncertainty is not that exciting.

I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for

One of my new favorite photographs. Something about it reminds of Valentin from Kiss of the Spider Woman. N Roark from The Fountainhead.

Unfortunately, I’m not talented or artistic enough to have taken this myself. Came across this when I was going through the NG Photography page. Don’t ask!

Speaking of which, this was a rather interesting clip.

*Capturing love through a lens* Never thought about this before, but what would that be like? A mother with a new born? Those oh – so – adorable little girl in frills n little boy in a tux holding hands! A happy couple kissing at the alter?

All of them? None of them?

How exactly do you click at the right moment, zoom in just enough, and contain it all in one frame?

How would something so intangible fit in a glossy piece of paper the size of a postcard?

Jodi Cobb has some pretty interesting things to say! Including how long love lasts, before it just becomes an attachment.

I wonder if its just convenience.

Only Happy When it Rains

I think the Rain God did get my msg about raining in Jamaica, but he got the destination wrong! Cuz it’s been raining in Singapore for two days instead! Oh maybe he was in an extra generous mood and decided to bless Jamaica AND Singapore! Now that’d be something! Mwahahaha! *I can so picture two idiots stuck in their hotel room playing cards and getting bored.* Okay, I’ll be nice. They can have a beer each while playing cards n snapping at each other!

Yeah yeah! Go ahead and say it! Sour Grapes! Jealous Kid! Whatever! *rolls her eyes*

But it IS unfair! Why do some people get a spring break AND get to travel, while other poor and MORE DESERVING souls get stuck in Singapore for spring break MINUS the actual spring.

Its just wrong! Period. *Dare u disagree?*

Enough about the Jamaican weather!

So the FYP is still stuck! Supervisor’s been busy with his own project, and my samples have been sitting in the fridge laying eggs! And I cant do anything till he processes them. I cant do that on my own because I, a teenie weenie FYP student am not allowed to use particular machine! It’s the only machine in the lab we’re not allowed to use…and I’ve been dying to! *Probably because its right there, and its so off limits! *

All in all, its been a not – so – bad day! Managed to get some work done for other projects! Met someone new, and had a great time! Know them through someone else, and this person wanted to see NUS! So I was a charming little tour guide! *okay, not so charming! But I was just showing them around campus! How charming could I possibly be about that? *

But quite impressed…and had a pleasant evening!

A rather amusing group meeting followed, which started an hour late! Many jokes were cracked, and many teddy bears (MINE) were thrown around, mutilated and abused! Eventually we did manage to get some work done!

Oh, n I bought another bar of Hershey’s Special Dark Mildly Sweet Chocolate! I just end up being in the wrong place at the wrong time, with the exact wrong change in my pocket! Damnnn! But come on, a girl needs her anti – oxidants…errr…chocolate!

I did demand a boy with chocolates, at lunch time today! * boy = potential guy*

But then I changed my mind! One thing at a time! N chocolate takes priority!

*exits to get her Hershey’s, with a huge HUGE grin*

I remember you

Sitting and replaying entire conversations in your head. And thinking of the people who you had these conversations with. And feeling a knot so tight that for a moment, you find it hard to breathe. And realizing that you’re missing someone.

Oh, how sentimental! Looks like I have a heart after all. *Surprise Surprise*

Extra mushy today. Missing family, friends, relatives, so many people.

Some, a phone call away. Others, a little further.

It's amazing how you can miss people so much, and they dont have the slighest clue. That, even if it was for a fleeting moment, they ruled someone's heart.

p.s. Hope it rains all week in Jamaica! Happy Spring Break!!! *evil evil grin*

Empty - Handed

Accidently, you ran a finger over the naked spot on your left hand, where there used to be a ring. It feels so unfamiliar, so alien, as if its not a part of you. How can your own skin, your own body betray you. How, you ask, as your eyes start to sting. You look away, much like you do when you have trouble facing someone. But this time, there is no one you’re facing. Not even the mirror. And yet, you look away, and now, your eyes have betrayed you too. Feeling like a complete stranger in your own body, you feel cheated. It’s as if you’ve been taken away from yourself. You feel it slipping away, like the white sand you always tried to hold on to, but never could.

And then you were left empty – handed.

Spend your lazy, endless, crazy, days inside my head...

I just ate half a bar of Hershey’s Special Dark Mildly Sweet Chocolate, and I bet by the end of this post, I’d have finished the whole thing. Its just…mmmmmmm…and I’m guilty as charged. It also says on the wrapper that it is a “Natural Source of Flavanol Antioxidants” and god knows how much I need my antioxidants! ;) I’m very particular abt nutrition n health. *yeah rite ;) *

So Im sitting in the study room, surrounded by a gazillion people who seem to be working their asses off. Therefore I chose the strategic seat that faces the wall, atleast I don’t have to stare at the studious ones and feel more guilty than I already am. Damn the chocolate, Damn the discount offer for 2, and damn the friend who offered to split it with me. *Takes another bite*

So its Saturday and I have no plans to go out, cuz it’s high time I study, I’m almost broke, and *sheepish smile* went out for the past two evenings. With the list of things-to-do getting longer and longer, you’d think I’d start working at it. But nahh, no drive, no motivation and just no mood to work. So Im sitting here, eating chocolate, thinking of how the family back home is playing Holi, how much fun the guys are having on their spring break holiday, and how Im sitting n studying *or pretending to.*

As stupid as this seems, I miss being adored, being important, and being the center of someone’s world. Okay, not the center, but being a significant part of someone’s world. Its not like I’m miserable or lonely or not loved. Surrounded by lots of friends and mom dad call often…but sometimes, you just need a little extra something. Large amounts of chocolate can be a substitute at times, but not this time. Its just a coincidence that I happened to have bought it at the same time as I’m writing this.

I was not gonna write the above paragraph. That’s how egoistic Leo’s can be. *More on that some other time* Egoistic enough that they cant express their weaknesses, even on their own blog! They don’t submit, to anyone. Even to anonymity.

Sigh.

Oh, n of course, finished the rest of the chocolate already.

Oh where oh where, could my baby be...

So how many bars of chocolates, cups of coffee, and shots of tequila does it take to make it a good life?

If Singapore actually saw seasons, today would be perfect as the first day of Spring. Good things did happen, after the first half of the day! Moved forward with the FYP…baby steps! But still, atleast its something.

Hung out with a bunch of friends n couldn’t ask for a better time. Laid back, playful, silly and carefree. That’s what we were. Sitting around on the stretch of grass, and just not caring about a thing in the world.

Met another friend. Had ice cream. Cough Cough! But totally worth it! Ummmmmmmm chocolate n crispies !

Stopped to visit someone else on the way back! *Yes, I was in quite the social mood today*

Talked for a long time… n know what, retail therapy, chocolate therapy, meditation, yoga. Are good ways to clear up a confused mind or destress, …but nothing beats a good heart – felt session of Girl Talk. N I don’t mean about fashion n make up. It’s knowing that although words cant express how confused or fucked up you feel, someone still understands. Yeh, guys make amazing friends, can always make you laugh, cheer u up, even be there to listen and everything *blah blah blah* but girl talk is just priceless, and they[the guys] don’t come anywhere close to a second.

So yes, today would be the perfect start to springtime. Damn the tropics.

This is how a heart breaks

I don’t remember the last time something *good* happened to me.

Okay, perhaps I’m exaggerating. I usually celebrate the small things with the same enthusiasm as winning a million dollars! *n I could use a million dollars, so yes, I’m pretty darn enthusiastic* But somehow, today I could feel the energy rush out of me, and leave me lifeless, for no particular reason.

So the Final Year Project mystery has been solved. The damn reagents were contaminated, which explains why the past few PCR runs gave no results. Which also means that now I should be able to get my experiment to work. *yay* and which also means that all my work from the past 3 weeks, including weekends, has gone down the drain. Yeah yeah, while the optimists would say that atleast now you know what the problem was and it’ll all be okay, the realists *which is the group I’m in today* would know that those were some very precious 3 weeks and with the big black deadline racing towards me, I am really pressed for time. Oh well, just keeping my fingers crossed that now I don’t have to spend days solving any more mysteries! Two are enough, considering only a month left before thesis submission.

The job scene is well, very very foggy. So I’m unemployed! And yeah, I know something will work out. * I’m only saying this cuz everyone’s been saying this to me, n fine fine, if you say so!!!!!* But I have every right to be biting my nails and start to plan my career selling tissue paper at the Buona Vista MRT.

With the FYP screwed, projects, deadlines, a complete lack of drive or motivation, and the current state of anxiety/uncertainty, you’d think what else can go wrong?

Not much else. Oh, except I’m surrounded by people who seem to be equally screwed or depressed. Or just damn lucky to have things working out for them. *of course, some of them deserve it, but others are just downright lucky.*So no rays of sun, no smiling faces, no silly grins. Its all so gloomy.

I have also found out that someone who I respected a lot and looked up to, is not actually who I thot they were. Or atleast they don’t have the qualities which I perceived them to have had, and therefore respected them so much for. Of course, no fault of their own. I was, after all, the one who assumed them to be something, and put them up on the pedestal, in that elite group of people I look up to. So its only natural that I’d be disappointed and pissed at myself for being so short-sighted. In my defense however, I had all the reasons to have made the wrong assumptions. They were fair enough assumptions. Just not right.

I’m secretly hoping I’m mistaken now, and not before. Ah, the forever optimist. Hates taking the fone, scrolling down to a number, but not calling.

Found myself in a situation today, where I helplessly searched for words of comfort for someone, and couldn’t come up with any. That’s a horrible place to be at, when you care about this *someone*. I could only mutter a “Be strong, please be strong.” No solutions. No advice. I racked my brains to say something, anything, helpful. But nothing.

With everything going wrong at the moment, the only hopeful thing I can say is *it cant get much worse now, can it?*

*keeping my fingers crossed*

- note : havent read through this post, so God only knows what all I've been rambling about. But then, heck cares!

Dear Diary! ;)

I’m strangely motivated and discouraged at the same time. Yes, I know that’s two opposite things, but I was motivated enough to wait in lab till 730 plus, to check how my PCR turned out, and not scream when I get no results. At the same time, I was far too discouraged to set up another PCR before leaving, so it’d be done overnight.

It sucks that I’m getting no PCR results. That’s the first step of my sample analysis, and is proving to be the biggest hurdle. Once I start getting stupid PCR products, the rest is *a piece of cake* as my supervisor puts it. Yeah yeah yeah I know it’s a piece of cake, but getting there is just so frustrating! But oh well, I guess I’ll troubleshoot tmr n figure out whether some reagent is contaminated.

So that’s the FYP! Just one of the many things that is not working out! N I have no control over.

The evening’s proven to be rather productive. Finished an assignment, didn’t waste too much time during group meeting, and enjoyed a short walk! *That’s a lot, considering most evenings I just end up staring at the comp and just pretend to be working*

Like I said, I was motivated enough for some things, and too discouraged for others. Motivated enough to complete the assignment, i.e. copy it and too discouraged to try to figure out the bits that I didn't understand. Motivated enough to call a group meeting about the upcoming projects, but too discouraged to care if no concrete decisions were made, and not much was achieved.

Today's too uneventful to qualify as a monday. Everything’s been normal, lunch, dinner, meeting, phone calls, assignments, lab work, everything! Something’s definitely wrong, because its all too normal!!! Nothing messed up majorly. The PCR doesn’t’ count, cuz I was ready to bet fifty bucks that it wouldn’t work anyway. *Gee, so much faith in my own experiment*

This is so like a closure post.

Dear Diary, today I did blah blah blah blah! Recount the events of the day. Call it a night. And crash.

But like I said, the day’s been far too normal! Nothing that could generate strong enough emotions of any type.

Sigh Sigh!

I want to carve my name out on freshly poured concrete.

I want to be home for the Holi Party.

n I discovered an old hindi song, which I had totally forgotten about, and now I love absolutely!

Stupid Pointless Post

Mid term on Friday. Pheww, I thought it would never be over.

Caught up with friends after what seemed like ages. Bomb of a time.

Bummed around all of Saturday. Conveniently neglected FYP. Liberating.

Watched Capote. Painstakingly Slow. Serious. Brilliant. Except for at times. Surprised at myself for liking it.

Philip Seymour Hoffman ( I love the way his complete name sounds) got the oscar for this? Was he that good? Well, good enough I suppose.

Still disturbed by the hanging scene. Yes, I take things to heart. Its silly.

Left abruptly.

Lazed in bed till absolutely had to get up. Went to lab, to ease the guilty conscience. No results.

Late late lunch, waffle and ice cream. Oh come on, it’s a Sunday. Deserved the ice cream. Lavaa Brownie. Yummm

Accidental Siesta. In my defense, I was just lying down.

Long night as Fac. Of Science. Creepy lab. Supposed to keep a friend company, and study.

Watched Apprentice instead. (Clay got fired, mwahahhaa)

Read Blogs.

Found out I'd missed an important Birthday. Crap Crap Crap. I am such a horrible friend.

Dinner past midnight.

Sometimes, I should not try.

Let it Be.

Forgotten how to write full, coherent sentences.

Weekend Over.

Oh fuck! When! How!

Waiting for indifference

Sometimes, I don’t know what’s more unnerving:

• living in denial
• living in denial and being aware of it, but not doing anything about it, or
• trying to accept the truth instead of living in denial

Cuz usually, we’re far too smart, to be fooled by our own denial for too long. And far too scared to get out of the comfortable blanket!

So we carry on running n keep up with our *oh - so - busy* lives. If you keep ignoring it, maybe it'll go away! Maybe you'll turn indifferent eventually. Till then, just keep a distance.

But once in a while, you’re bound to walk into a mirror, look up, n *oh dear god* see yourself!

And, once in a while, something small, something unexpected, would knock the wind out of you.

You’ll gasp for air, and eventually, catch your breath. Within seconds, or maybe longer.

And you'll be back to maintaining that safe distance. Ah! the comforts of denial.

The fact remains, however, that you got a glimpse of something, and you didn't like it.

You turn away and try to keep pace with the *oh – so – busy* life yet again.

Till the next close encounter, you’re safe!

Pause

Being there for everyone, at all times, can be a very taxing job.

Once in a while, you get sick of it, and wake up, with unclaimed anger and tears. You are highly irritable and snappy, and shy away from any form of affection.

You name this your “anti – social phase.”

Then you’re back on the job. Its quite the cycle.

...The lonely street of dreams

I had a series of strange dreams last night, which featured me struggling in a flood, an earthquake, a landslide, and several other disasters, which I cannot fully recall. All this took place on the university campus, and yet, there wasn’t a single face I recognized. There was however a kid, who somehow knew the way out of every situation, and we barely escaped each time. I remember racing against a huge wave, and frantically running up a staircase to reach level 7 of E3 - a block in the engineering faculty. It makes no sense, the never ending staircase, and the tidal wave that managed to chase us up the stairs, methodically climbing each flight. The growing staircase then gave way to a clearing, rather abruptly, and all was dry. I looked around and found myself alone again, walking down the road leading to the hall I lived in during my freshmen year. This road, and block E3 are on far ends of the campus, btw. I'd barely caught my breath when I bumped into my parents, who were out for an evening walk, right outside my dorm, as if it’s the most natural thing for them to do. I treied to tell them that its unsafe to be out, the floods, the landslides, everything, and that they should not go down the road. They paid no attention to what I said, and were just relieved to see me, because I’d been gone too long. (again, makes no sense)

The boy has disappeared by now. Oh, we’d met in the most unexpected place too; I’d found him sitting on top of a bus stop shelter. How appropriate, considering the absurdity of the dream. What's more disturbing is that I don’t remember a single thing about his face.

I tried to analyze the symbols and their significance but couldn't piece it together, at all. Couldn't find a more ill - fitting puzzle!!!

A little surfing revealed some answers, although none that satisfy me. Here is what they say about Natural Disasters in your dreams. If anything, this just left me more unnerved and restless than before!

Oh well, lets see what’s featured tonight.

Looking for some answers

What do you do…

When a strange sense of restlessness takes control over your life, and spares you no peace?

When you struggle to grasp something, anything, to keep you on track, but you find your hands slipping?

When you surprise yourself with your capability of loving someone so much?

When even simple affection becomes complicated?

When the fortress you built around yourself becomes suffocating?

When you want something to call your own?

When you find yourself becoming strangely anti – social?

When you just want someone to tuck you in, and watch over you as you fall asleep?

When home seems to be the only haven?

When you have just enough courage to run away from your insecurities, but not enough to face them?

When all you can figure are the questions, but not the answers

Blame it on the damn rain

It’s strange how the same rain that used to pacify me, is making me so restless; how waking up to a rainy day used to leave me cheerful, yet, this morning’s rain left me unsettled.

All day.

That, and the dream from the early hours of the morning. Which was so intricate, and so vivid that I woke up in the middle and wanted to write it down.

I went back to bed thinking there is no way I’d forget this.

Now, its gone. I don’t remember a single details. Been trying to piece it together all day. And nothing. No luck.

It feels like a great loss.

Someone related to someone close to me passed away more than a week ago. I found out today. I didn’t know him. The news has left me inexplicably disturbed. God Bless his soul.

Finished reading The Scent of Wet Earth in August late last night/early morning today. Ironic how the book ended with the arrival of the much – awaited rain. It’s not a particularly depressing book, and yet one that makes you feel sorry for almost all the characters. I could have cried.

Afternoon with friends. No doubt, we will remain retarded and hilarious forever. And never “grow – up.” What a relief. Thank God, at least we’ll always be laughing.

Someone far, made the heart feel warm when it was chilly outside.

Someone close, and nearby, felt like a stranger. Distant.

A mélange of feelings that finally, leaves one - detached.

Blame it on the damn rain.

A possible meaning of silence

Anger. colorful. varied. immense. loud. vast. strong. complex and so difficult to grasp that sometimes it leaves me amazed at our ability to feel something so intense.

Often, if someone askd me why I was angry about something at a given moment, they'd be amused. At something so small? So silly?, they'd say. Its the one emotion that I cannot decipher within myself, and the fact that the reasons seem so silly jus aggravates it. While the brain logically explains the whole situation and declares the person in question, innocent, the heart rejects the verdict. N the process of fighting and reasoning with the heart just fans the flame n keeps it going.

Just like love, despair, sorrow, etc, anger cant be expressed fully in words. We do try by shouting, screaming, hurling obscenities, throwing things, saying hurtful things or telling people we hate them. The worst expression of anger, however, is silence. When words arent adequate. They'd just be the tip of the iceberg.

So looks like I'm a little angry. Yes, its silly. n No, I'm not saying anything about it.

n yet another New Year...

I often tried to piece together all of 2005, but it seemed too exhausting a challenge; especially when I couldn’t find the one piece around which I could start the quilt. From time to time, I find myself staring at the pieces floating around and wonder what a quilt of memories it would have been…complete with the sequined bits, the shiny strips, the bright pieces, the velvets, the lace and the ribbons. But then I step on that ugly dark square, and realize that it just wouldn’t fit my otherwise gorgeous work of art. N how about the forgotten pieces, the ones that are hidden in the corners, behind the doors, under the furniture? It would be incomplete without them. N I want a complete quilt, no holes, no gaps, no missing pieces.

So that’s when I gave up trying. Instead of trying to sum up the entire year in an ensemble, and run the risk of missing out some bits, I decided to leave the pieces strewn all over. So that once in a while, I can pick one up and smile. Or laugh. Or cry. And put it back right there, perhaps to relive it again another time.

The celebration was a mixed bag of goodies… long queues but finally a table full of friends at a sexy restaurant…good food, pretty cocktails, lots of laughter and a hefty bill! Jammed phone network, live music, more friends n unfortunately, no dancing! A 2 hr wait at the cab stand, high heels n sore ankles, and finally sweet sleep! Nothing terribly exciting…nothing terribly disappointing. Oh well, a mixed bag indeed.

Then day 1 of the new year, the day that determines how the rest of the year would turn out! *an amusing superstition*

A lazy morning that started earlier than I wanted, with a call from mom n dad. Lots of emails n sms’ wishing everyone a Happy New Year. Chat with hungover friends, and discussions about the previous nite. Long conversations with the loved ones who weren’t around. A lazy n late lunch with the hilarious ones. It only gets better! A sweet phone call from a missed one! Brightens up the dull mood! A cute movie n fun evening with a good friend. N Subway cookies! N a blank FYP report that I refuse to get started on…

Still the cookie junky…still the procrastinator! Somethings don’t change..be it 2006 or whenever!

Not a bad start to the year now, is it?

vacation checklist

Like all good things, this trip home has come to an end too!

Sob Sob Sob! :(

Considering this is my last holiday home before I graduate, I had some very elaborate plans to avoid social gatherings and laze around n do absolutely nothing most of the time! That, n a few other things...

Decided to go through my check list for the holidays to evaluate how well my plans turned out!

- Sleep loads: check…the weather couldn’t have been better! Thailand is beautiful in December

- Quality time with mom: check…no TV n internet unless she’s away or sleeping…talked a lot...caught up on everything!

- Talk to bro about uni: errrrrr….din get to do that! We ended up watching way too much Family Guy n other silly TV shows…I did help him with some applications though! N I was nice to him during his exams...so that makes up for it!

- Family time : check…most meals n the entire weekend with family!

- Avoid the internet n the phone : check! I am actually proud I managed to stay away from the computer for so long, esp. now with the decent internet connection and a computer at my disposal at all times!

- Exercise: check….sortaa….hehehehe…jogged on most days that I was in! Was usually away during the evenings…n mornings were too cold!

- Eat good food: hell yeah! A HUGE CHECK!

- Read: check…I managed to finish two books…n halfway through the third! I was hoping to finish 5 of them but there are only 24 hrs in a day …n the eating n sleeping n shopping took too much time!

- Shop: yet another HUGE CHECK! Tons n tons of shopping done! Dad thinks we can smell a SALE sign from miles! He's not completely wrong... ;)

- Meet high school friends: check! N had such an awesome time…thank god, somethings don’t change…too much!

- Bake a cake for X’mas: din manage this one! Ended up going out for lunch n spent the rest of the day shopping...for mom n dad! It was the one day when I went out shopping n din buy anything for myself!

- FYP report : I haven’t even looked at it…which is why I’m gonna be in a huge mess once I get back…!

- Plan the next sem…n a whole bunch of things: Too much thinking required…so postponed for a bit…the strategy is to keep running till I’m cornered!

Hmmmmmmmm

So looks like I got most of the important stuff done! =)

Its all about getting ur priorities right, isn’t it? ;)

sights n sounds...

Random sights and sounds that never fail to warm the heart

• The pink blue sky every evening from my balcony…for some reason, I always miss the sunsets in Singapore…the evening literally sneaks in…
• The soft knock on the door at 545 waking me up to go to work during one summer
• Signs that include the word : SALE
• Beach chairs, umbrellas, n the uninterrupted view of the sea
• The familiar skyline as the plane descends
• Roar of the speedboat engine
• The doorbell marking a much – anticipated arrival
• The out – of – tune Happy Birthday song, every birthday! :
• The one familiar face that you have been searching for in the crowd of passengers who have just arrived
• The familiar face on the other side, when you're the recently arrived passenger
  
• The insides of a surprise present
• The oven timer…the cake’s finally ready after filling the whole house with the freshly baked smell!
• The boarding announcement for a flight home
• High school friends at Emporium, outside CD warehouse, coming up the escalator
• Childhood pictures of us at his house, same frame, same wall, same room… for more than 15 years
• Dairy Queen n the upside down blizzard
• The rough sea against the rocks…strangely soothing
• The buzz of aircon
• My blue lamp in an otherwise dark room
• The unexpected voice on the other end when you answer a call
  
• Your own voice as the greeting on the answering machine, years after you’ve left home
• A forgotten favorite song that comes up when playing music on shuffle mode
  
• Flowers at your door
• Ghazals as we drive back home late at night
• Dessert that's too pretty to dig in
  …the list goes on, so will keep adding …

Peace...

I was strangely at peace yesterday...

Its *strange* because I dont remember the last time I felt just peaceful or content without having something nagging me in the back of my head.

Slept in late cuz it was so cold! Woke up n awesome breakfast...away from the computer...TV in the background, n read "Veronika Decides to Die" by Paulo Coehlo. Its not as depressing as it sounds, but it was a rather slow n heavy read. But at several points in the book, I found myself so thankful for everything I have, n every minute of my life. I guess once you put on the shoes of someone (Veronika) who had only a week left to live, you'd find a lot in ur life that ur grateful for.

Life seemed beautiful!

Pleasant weather...Mom Dad n bro, the whole family around the dinner table...a loving family at home.

Email from someone who can make you feel so special n so loved!
Talking to friends..., some, after months...n we picked up from exactly where we left..

others, who I'll be meeting back in Singapore soon

All in all, I was content...I had no complaints...just a smile on my face. Slept oh so peacefully too.

Its either the weather or the food or being home or being in a Buddhist country! :)

Either way, it was a welcome break from the otherwise tangled n anxious mind of mine. It was like living life on a pause. Sortaa like meditation, except longer...

Effortless existence...just what I'd wanted.

It didnt last too long...simplicity never does...But it was good while it lasted.

Oh n I started a list of random things I really wanna do at some point in life. So far

• wear war paint on my face n watch a live game in a stadium...soccer? football?? anything :
• lie down in the grass next to a runway n watch a plane take off right above me
• be part of a piece of music...write it, play it, anything...

will add more random things as they occur to me!

too scared to...

"We've replaced nearly all our emotions with fear"
- Paulo Coelho, "Veronika Decides to Die"

effortless existence

bored of staying in...
bored of going out...
bored of eating out...
bored of canteens...
bored of socializing...
bored of working...

so I am back to that colloidal existence! except this time the bag of emotional labor is full...and its time to put it down! The masks are too heavy...too many. Its hard to keep them on.

The fort's too difficult to hold up. n im suddenly claustrophobic. too close, too close. let some air in.

its time to go home...

for good food... sleep...shopping...old friends...mom n daughter time...couch potato afternoons...constant munching...pampering...reading...movies...chores around the house...no laundry....thinking...the beach..peace. peace.

but most of all...raw, effortless existence.

Flying trapeze

I finally managed to step up on the trapeze. Phew, I made it. Hah, that wasnt too bad, now was it. Just had to balance a little, and climb the fragile steps. Looked around. All seats full, everyone ready for the finale. The Flying Trapeze. They turn off the lights. For some strange reason, everytime they turn off the lights for the finale, the audience quiets down. I guess its something psychological about the opaque darkness. The hush is creepy. Someone sneeze, cough, whistle. Tell me you're here. The frozen silence is too much. I can feel all the eyes on me. I know you're watching. I know its the finale, I know you want your money's worth. But please, rustle, cough, clear your throat. something. anything. tell me I'm performing for real people. with real expectations.

The impatience in the air, nudges me to start. It's about time. I take a deep breath, remind myself that I've done this so many times before. Its only flying, and grabbing the other trapeze. All of them before me could do it, so can I. Oh come on, how long are you gonna keep them waiting. Just go for it. There is really no turning back now. What are you so scared of. You did this before, on your own. N if anything, there's always the safety net to fall on. Last deep breath. Jump.

Halfway through a somersault, in mid air, I remember, this is the closing act. The finale.

There is no safety net.

A toast...

Here's a toast ... to

• strangers n friends
  
• exams n applications
  
• dangerous hearts n rational minds
• Freud n Machiavelli
  
• regrets n disappointments
  
• judgements n shortsightedness
• closures n beginnings
  
• sitcoms n caffeine
  
• anxiety n insomnia
• trust n risks
  
• rain n early mornings, n
  
• irony n Hide'N'Seek
  

...cheers...

les rêves de sable

les rêves = dreams

sable = sand

so "dreams of sand"...? why? , you ask...

could it be because your dreams sparkle...? just like white sand glistens in the sun...

could it be the uneasy feeling you woke up with this morning...as u tried to recall what you'd dreamt about, but felt it slip out of your fingers...till you were left empty - handed...

n yet, could it be because they linger...they dont brush off, and you carry some of them with you,
just like the sand that you thought you'd brushed off your clothes, but that remained in the seams of your clothes, after a walk at the edge of the sea...

or could it be because they are your dreams...the wall of sand bags you've put around yourself, to keep the flood of reality from getting to you...

perhaps, its because you only dream comfortably, peacefully, and beautifully when you're lying down on the beach...as you fall asleep watching the stars...

.. or maybe, its because you dreamt beautifully...you dreamt high...just like the sand castles you built by the ocean...n that got washed away with a single tide...

n because you used to watch them get washed away...those countless castles...

n started digging for another one a few steps away...knowing its fate before you even began...

n because you aren't sure where to start this time...if at all...

My little brother...The pest I love!

I miss my little bro...

Thr, I said it. I never thot I would...you see, we were the types who fought constantly, n if we werent fighting, then we were off in our own little worlds, rarely talking or anything. If one of us was upset (for any reason...bad day at school, fight with mom/dad...or anything) the other never asked whats the matter! At school, if our paths crossed, we merely nodded and acknowledged each other's presence ( I suspect this was because most of my friends knew he was my bro, and they'd say hii to him first, so I had no choice...n vice versa)...So when I left home for college, I never thot I'd miss him. He was ecstatic to have the comp, the TV, the house, everything all to himself...

But then, along the past 3 yrs, somethings changed...my bro, who's 3 n a half years younger than me, is now a friend. We treat each other with the same respect as we treat our friends...n he, who doesnt talk to anyone at home, started talking to me. He told me about his girlfriend...knowing very well that I wouldn't go n tell mom n dad. When he's nervous about varsity try-outs, he shuts himself in his room...doesnt talk to our parents...but tells me, "didi, I really hope I'll get through." When he gets in trouble at home, he comes n vents it out to me. Complains about school, family, parents, friends, work, everything...When he wanted to go on some trip, or wanted to continue his varsity sports even with IB Diploma...he msged me and asked me to talk to mom dad...When he couldnt sleep for nights worried about college and where to apply, he came looking for me! He told me about his fears, his worries abt SAT's, college, his aspirations , and what he really really wanted...

My little brother...talks to me. N Every time he msgs, for whatever reason, it makes my day.

When I was going through a break - up, he told me : "Didi, dont let this bother you...its his loss. Really..."

When having a bad day, he'll say something absolutely retarded, which would make sure that somehow the sides of my lips turn upwards n break out in a huge smile!

When I go back home, he tries to teach me how to play ping pong cuz Im so bored! N then pulls his hair out while teaching, cuz I suck and I'd made him promise earlier that he wouldnt yell, or make fun of me.

During late nite soccer matches, he makes the noodles at half time breaks! AND does the dishes!

He's the one who discovers new places to eat and tells me : hey, I'll take u to that Japanese place next time we're out!

When i ask for the computer ... he understands why...and gives it to me! (Then complains to the gf abt the *guests* at his place! )

Today, I was particularly low...and I msged him to find out what mom was up to...think she was sleeping already...he figured I was in a bad mood! We din talk for long...max 2-3 mins...but he said enuf stupid silly things that would cheer anyone up!

He is now 4-5 inches taller than me, and very smugly, asks me : so hows the weather at your level?

He looked so handsome at his prom that I showed off his pics to everyone! The fact that he's a popular kid at school...the fact that he's a good kid, who knows his sports at important to him, and hasnt given in to the gazillion temptations one faces at school...the fact that he promised he'll do wel in school if we let him continue his sports, and DID...the fact that he's such a good kid...makes me proud! He is, after all, my brother! =)

Soon, he'll be off to college too...sighh...

Kids these days...they grow up so fast!

Tulips . . .

One of my favorite poems...since 12th grade...

Tulips

- Sylvia Plath

The tulips are too excitable, it is winter here.

Look how white everything is, how quiet, how snowed-in

I am learning peacefulness, lying by myself quietly

As the light lies on these white walls, this bed, these hands.

I am nobody; I have nothing to do with explosions.

I have given my name and my day-clothes up to the nurses

And my history to the anaesthetist and my body to surgeons.

They have propped my head between the pillow and the sheet-cuff

Like an eye between two white lids that will not shut.

Stupid pupil, it has to take everything in.

The nurses pass and pass, they are no trouble,

They pass the way gulls pass inland in their white caps,

Doing things with their hands, one just the same as another,

So it is impossible to tell how many there are.

My body is a pebble to them, they tend it as water

Tends to the pebbles it must run over, smoothing them gently.

They bring me numbness in their bright needles, they bring me sleep.

Now I have lost myself I am sick of baggage -

My patent leather overnight case like a black pillbox,

My husband and child smiling out of the family photo;

Their smiles catch onto my skin, little smiling hooks.

I have let things slip, a thirty-year-old cargo boat

Stubbornly hanging on to my name and address.

They have swabbed me clear of my loving associations.

Scared and bare on the green plastic-pillowed trolley

I watched my teaset, my bureaus of linen, my books

Sink out of sight, and the water went over my head.

I am a nun now, I have never been so pure.

I didn't want any flowers, I only wanted

To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.

How free it is, you have no idea how free -

The peacefulness is so big it dazes you,

And it asks nothing, a name tag, a few trinkets.

It is what the dead close on, finally; I imagine them

Shutting their mouths on it, like a Communion tablet.

The tulips are too red in the first place, they hurt me.

Even through the gift paper I could hear them breathe

Lightly, through their white swaddlings, like an awful baby.

Their redness talks to my wound, it corresponds.

They are subtle: they seem to float, though they weigh me down,

Upsetting me with their sudden tongues and their colour,

A dozen red lead sinkers round my neck.

Nobody watched me before, now I am watched.

The tulips turn to me, and the window behind me

Where once a day the light slowly widens and slowly thins,

And I see myself, flat, ridiculous, a cut-paper shadow

Between the eye of the sun and the eyes of the tulips,

And I have no face, I have wanted to efface myself.

The vivid tulips eat my oxygen.

Before they came the air was calm enough,

Coming and going, breath by breath, without any fuss.

Then the tulips filled it up like a loud noise.

Now the air snags and eddies round them the way a river

Snags and eddies round a sunken rust-red engine.

They concentrate my attention, that was happy

Playing and resting without committing itself.

The walls, also, seem to be warming themselves.

The tulips should be behind bars like dangerous animals;

They are opening like the mouth of some great African cat,

And I am aware of my heart: it opens and closes

Its bowl of red blooms out of sheer love of me.

The water I taste is warm and salt, like the sea,

And comes from a country far away as health.

Kindergarten Playground...

Today, during one of those endless incubation hours at lab, I was flipping through the newspaper and decided to update myself on the sports scene! Its been ages since I followed a sport n out of curiosity, I decided to see whats happening in the soccer world!

English Premiere League...Champions League...blah blah blah! OMG where have I been? I have no clue whatsoever abt soccer this season! Except for Rooney's temper tantrums! *Couldn't help it, they made the headlines! *

Reading further, I spotted an article on Man U! Since I cant qoute the newspaper, here's another story...

"Keane's rant aimed at his teammates"

Basically Man U captain blew up on a TV show criticizing everyone in the team...! Considering Man U is not doing so well in the Premier League (oh they're far far behind Chelsea) , it jus seemed like a classic example of kindergarten playground fights! N blaming each other n pointing fingers...gee, how *UNITED* is that! Apparently they did not air the show....darn! I wish I saw the footage...I can almost imagine a little bratty kid with a running nose saying : It wasnt me! We lost because of them!

Really, Grow up! ;)

Rather amused by this, I decided to flip the page, till I saw another article..this one about Arsenal and Chelsea! Hmmm....this could be interesting!

"Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger is considering taking action against Jose Mourinho after the Chelsea coached called him a "voyeur" obsessed with the rival London club." (sports illustrated)

Another article about little tiffs on the playground! n this one even included name calling!

"I think he is one of these people who is a voyeur," Mourinho said. "He likes to watch other people. There are some guys who, when they are at home, they have a big telescope to see what happens in other families. He speaks and speaks and speaks about Chelsea."

Am I the only one who finds this retarded or ...??

N besides, words like Voyeur, obsession, etc. give some rather disturbing images...locker rooms, voyeurs, telescopes...u get the point...!

So 3 of the most popular soccer clubs made headlines in the sports section over tiffs, temper tantrums, name calling, and so on...

Its almost as if they were all hit my some laser, took that magic pill or went into those time machine thingis which take u back to ur childhood, n you wake up 30 yrs younger, in oversized clothes...n start squabbling!

Whatever happened to playing soccer btw?? ;)

A beautiful night...

Its been a beautiful diwali! =)

*huge grin*

Got up late and lazed around in bed for over an hr! Its an amazing feeling to be awake, n yet be too lazy to get out of bed! Too lazy to even reach over the book shelf n pick up the unfinished Identity by Kundera. Mom called n then finally pulled myself out n flopped in front of the comp! Another hr gone! Yes, today was officially declared a lazy day!

Spoke to a few people and then wrote family n friends Happy Diwali emails! Personalized ones, to everyone. Even if they were only a couple of lines. I duno, a CC'd email jus doesnt feel the same. As it is emails rob that personal touch...cc'ing them jus din seem like the right way to send heartfelt wishes and love. An odd 20 emails later, decided its time to shower n kick start the day! Breakfast at lunch! =) Meaning Cereal n Milk for lunch, followed by more bumming around, chatting, dropping my friends' rooms, and *groans* laundry! Finished Identity, a short nap ,and laundry done!

Kundera confuses me! I cannot decide if I hate him or love him! I read *The Farewell Dance* and it left me so frustrated that I had to read another one of his books to decide how I felt! This was a translation from French. Oh, I'd do anything to get a copy in french right now! That should help me decide. I loved the ending...it jus left me so relieved and troubled at the same time! There was no closure, it was up to me to establish my own closure, and I'm still working on it....=) Chantal, the protagonist, is a clear mirror in my face at times, and that scares me. To identify with a character that has been laid out in black and white...its permanence is too overpowering. And I'm the power freak, so anything that overpowers me, annoys me.

Thought I'd take a break n step out for a bit, so went to the lounge to munch on Ritz and skimmed the newspaper. Skimmed because there is nothing substantial to read in it! I could feel the brain cells dying...gave up n came back! Was in no mood to study today at all! =)

Pops called just before the puja at home started...he always does. Its the few mins before they start...while Mom's almost ready and the puja stuff is almost all in place...He'd call me and see what I'm up to, and if n how am I celebrating. I guess its how he makes sure the whole family comes together...for the puja.

Later in the evening, went to a friend's house where she and her bf were hosting a diwali celebration! Was extremely excited that I finally get an occasion to wear an Indian outfit and got all dressed up with bindi, bangles, n everything! *Cursed the Singapore heat a gazillion times* =

They have a cozy apartment, and she had put diyas everywhere in the house, at the entrance, on the stairs, everywhere. Just like home. Sparklers and party poppers in the garden, and then everyone headed back! the uni kids, are deprived of television, so there was a huge war over the remote control, the guys opting for OLD OLD cricket matches highlights and girls demanding chartbusters on Sony or some soap opera! *Yes, it is so stereotypical, but OLD match highlights? Really? I can watch a live game, but ancient highlights...pls!!!*

We all actually watched some silly soap on Zee and lauffed our hearts out! It wasnt a comedy, but watch it wid a group like ours, and u'll see the comic/perverted side of every emotional dialogue! There were puns derived that the writers could never have thought of! Creativity at its best! =)

Awesome awesome indian dinner and more TV =) n then dumb charadez! cheating, screaming, random movie names that no one has ever heard of, TALKING * hello, its DUMD charade...* n what not! Everyone won =)

Laid back, relaxed, stuffed and smiling! A group of 10-15 ppl lauffing away to glory...it really was a sight. Our host very diplomatically handled the TV remote complaints and the adorable hostess was beaming the entire evening, * in a sari that was a gift from her bf's family, as we found out later* and the couple was so perfect together...*Touch Wood* & God Bless*

The walk back to the main road was the icing on the cake...a beautiful night and an amazing wind...hinting that its about to start raining...

It was a warm and beautiful diwali! =)

Cheers, To our host & hostess! =)

And hope that everyone had an equally, if not more enjoyable diwali =)

black black world...

Went for a diwali celebration...awesome time....friends, good food, music, tambola, bumming around, sparklers & smiling faces, beaming against the backdrop of the dark sky...beautiful. rekindled the dying festive spirit in some...including me.

Walked back, with a smile on my face =) Found some candles, lit one outside my room, on the window sill. Remembered how much I've always loved candles...

Read some blogs, wrote some emails...checked feeds, and came cross this article.

Wondered how 'happy' this diwali really is for some...

Deeply disturbed.

Even death isn't the end for some...

'Nikhil' means complete, whole...

'Utkarsh' means prosperity, awakening...

How ironic...

It started raining....the wind jus put out the candle on my window sill.

How ironic...

Irony is a sadist. Whore.

Utkarsh, Nikhil, and others...may your souls rest in peace.

*silence*

Identity

Reading

Identitiy - Milan Kundera

Homesick!

This is probably the first post where my thoughts have been spilled right out...no flowery language, no spell check, no reviewing what I write and editing!

I wanna go home!

I am really homesick right now...I really really wanna go home. N I'm not saying this just because I'm tired and miss home food, I jus really really want a break, and go sleep in my bed! I have checked out air tickets and have made sure I have all the things required for a visa-on-arrival! That's how serious I am about going home! N there are no flights out! There isnt a single budget flight out of Singapore that I can get for the next 3 days! Not only budget, I tried other airlines too. Nothing, at all! I will try again tmr after lab, at 8 am! on a saturday!!!! If i can, I'm taking the first flight out of this country, even if it is tmr night! It's perfect, and I can manage to sneak off for 3-4 days...except for the lab sampling schedule..which I am sure if I try, I can convince Stan to help me with...but how to find tickets!!!!!

In the past 24 hrs, a cousin of mine who I hadnt spoken to in ages came online n msged me to say hii..n said he's going home for Diwali! N that his sis, is also going back!

Then spoke to a friend just before he flew home for diwali for 2-3 weeks...and when i got back, I had a msg from my bro saying : hey, happy diwali in advance...going home for a week or so...Tty then! N i talk to these ppl everyday!!!

Got back from lab and spoke to mom! couldnt be the mature, responsible daughter anymore...its been quite a week...quite a month actually n just couldnt contain the : mom i wanna come home! she immediately said come home beta! but by then the responsible daughter was mature again n covered it wid a : yeah, i wish, but im really busy! :(

Mom's are amazing...you cant hide much from them! They see right through you...and no matter how hard I try, there is only so much I can hide from her! So fifteen mins later, I am back on msn msging her that I really really wanna come home! By then I'd opened a bunch of budget airlines websites and trying my luck with tickets! N nothing! There isnt a single booking available! By then, Dad calls! N says that Beta, if u can get a booking, jus come home! Its diwali after all! =) We're talking abt being home in less than 24 hrs!! Just the thought brings a huge grin on my face...and then a frown!

- no ticket
- lab schedule
- money
- whatever happened to being a grown up daughter??

but really, I wanna go home just to be with family. Its not running away from anything, or looking for comfort at home when something's not right! Just want to be home for a break... to see family, spend some time with them n relax! 8 days in summer dont realy count and I dont see anytime in the near future too...December break is too busy with FYP, maximum 4-5 days to go home! :( N then next summer....Job, moving out, sigh sigh sigh....

keeping my fingers crossed and hoping tomorrow things will work out...

Within my space...

It's been a simple sunday...*Simple,* because nothing exciting happened, and yet, I'm strangely at peace with this day! Floated through the hours smoothly...slept, worked, bummed around, ate, thought...everything's been mildly pleasant! Music playing on shuffle mode, and all these songs that I hadnt heard in ages kept playing, each reminding me of something from the past...of things that just make you smile to yourself! So yes, I've been sitting here and grinning to myself like an idiot! :)

* You gotta be* by Desiree --> suddenly im back in the Godbout Hall, RIS, year 2002! Its convocation and Mel is singing this for the class of 2002...Ours was the first grade to have a performance during the convocation, its too formal a ceremony otherwise! N there I was, walking in the gym with Sara n leading the entire class of 2002 in...as cheesey as it may sound now, the song's good advice!

" You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
"

* Bed of Lies * by Matchbox 20 --> playing the album over n over n over n over...n over!

*Mehendi Laga ke Rakhna* from DDLJ --> Company diwali parties back at home, n dancing on stage! Every diwali *cultural show* hehehehe...god, had so much spirit for the smallest of things! :) They have pictures and videos somewhere!

*Jagged Little Pill* by Alanis Morisette --> Almost all the girls I knew went through the phase when they absolutely loved Alanis' music! The music video of Thank you with her walking bare...

I've just been musing over the weirdest things today...these songs...n other random things!

Saw a poster about a Buddhist Club meet in the elevator...and played with the idea of taking up Buddhism! Buddhist monks in the temples at Ayuthya..or early morning, when they're out to get alms, always seemed so peaceful n radiant!

Went through a few moments of self - realization, and flipped out! It can be pretty unnerving! Met a friend...rattled on about this...making absolutely no sense! scattered thoughts, everywhere! One confused soul talking, the other confused soul listening, two confused souls trying to make sense out of it....somehow at the end of it, all fell in place...made peace with it :)

Looked through old pictures on the comp....all the way from first year! Spent an hour just doing that =)

All in all, a peaceful day...

Spent in my space...