R.A.I.N C.H.I.L.D

Draw me a line

2008-01-22T15:27:00.001+08:00

I am very bad at drawing lines. The line between being understanding and asserting your discontent. The line between being good friends and trusting people with secrets. Between bitching/ venting and hating.
Give me a ruler and a pencil and I’d screw that up too.

Comedy & Tragedy

2008-01-19T21:52:00.000+08:00

One of the many sculptures at the Greek Sculptures Exhibition at the National Museum of Singapore - on loan from Louvre!

Full Circle

2008-01-14T11:19:00.000+08:00

On some Mondays, I come in with high spirits, my invincibility cloak and a plan to conquer the world. More often than not, Xonifer or some half baked moron manages to destroy it. But considering it’s only 945 am and Xonifer is not in – it’s too early for him to have done anything. Yet, the spirits are dwindling…many plans to make and many variables that are having fun at my expense.

Over the weekend, half a dozen people asked me when I plan to get married! It may have something to do with the fact that we were around a friend who’s getting married in 7 months, or that I had gone a few thousand miles to meet the boy. It doesn’t help that the mom’s arriving in less than one month and this inevitable question will be asked. It’s not that she wants me to get married tomorrow, or this year – but more like she wants to know “when.” She comes up with many permutations and combinations of how it can happen “sooner” rather than later! Marry and then study, study a shorter course, live separated for sometime and then together (given that I’m bound to Singapore for a couple of more years), etc. I tell her I can’t because studying would be a top priority, which opens a whole new can of worms (as if this in itself wasn’t bad enough)

MBA? Finance? Economics? What to study? Whether to study in 2 years or 3 is no longer a question because just the mention of “extending” results in the parents flipping out! How to prepare? When to start? GMAT! CIMA! When to study! How to find more than 24 hours in a day!

Before I can even start to plan these, there is the new role. I am rotating to a new role, which is commonly known as Hell in the company. Grueling hours, immense pressure and the lack of life are the USP of this job – but I took it nonetheless because my current job was getting stale. The new role also means great exposure and limelight – which is both scary and motivating! HOWEVER – the new boss (TNB) has very matter of fact-ly told me that I’m gonna have no time for anything in this role. Xonifer, when saying goodbye before the holidays had also told me “To tell the boyfriend not to worry, you won’t have time to cheat on him in your new role.” Not sure what’s more disturbing – that I won’t have time or that I am apparently cheating on him currently! Anyhoo, I digress. Problem at hand is – how to study for these exams if I’ll “have no time” for the next 18 months. Cannot extend because of the flipping out of parents – and marriage – and…you see how everything’s connected.

So, how is one supposed to figure out all of these and conquer the darned world at the same time?

Dinner with my younger days

2008-01-09T23:49:00.000+08:00

He said “Man, you really have changed – you’ve grown up so much.”

She laughed and said “Yes, I have become ruthlessly practical – I can be like a guy. It’s just convenient.”

London Bridge is Falling Down...

2008-01-06T16:10:00.001+08:00

On my flight back from London, I wasn’t sure if I should cry because it was over, or if I should be happy – I was going “home.” This was the first major treat to self since I got a job – and has got to be the best holiday ever. Meeting the boy was better than expected – nothing had changed. It’s like resuming from paused – play. Yes, the city was cold and gray but it was a welcome change from the bright or rainy Singapore! What I loved about London was its imperfections and its history – the rickety Tube, the beautiful low rise buildings, the super expensive EVERYTHING, Thames, the tourist attractions, the not-so attractive places, the trains, the ales, the cold – everything! I clicked pictures like an Asian tourist and then gave up because the camera wasn’t enough. I tried to shut as much as I could in my eyes, to relive later.

I walked the streets, heard the carolers, held the warm chocolate, hugged the boy, learnt to read maps, and say Cheers, drank everyday (to stay warm, no DUH), and smiled till my jaws hurt. For the first 3-4 days, it seemed surreal – that a plan made over 10 seconds had materialized. I loved London, I can see myself there, living in and loving it, which is more that what I can say about Singapore.

But what I truly fell for was Oxford. It really was love at first sight, the mist, the paved roads, the old buildings and the numerous stories they told. It is the perfect place to get lost in and be inspired by. The gray steel and glass structures of my university inspired me enough to ditch my major at first instance – and the cathedrals and towers of this university-town made me re-think my plans and wonder what it’ll take to study there. I’m working on it already!

Then came the unexpected treat – a group of friends so warm and loving that you’d think we’ve known each other forever – except it was over a few hours. Giggles hosted me at her place and the next forty eight hours were a non stop party with amazing food, juvenile games and lots of warmth. It was enough to make this cynic shed her cloak and be loving again. On my way back, I bring back more than just souveniers and photographs – I bring back a dozen invites and the belief that yes people can be friendly with no hidden motives.

So old friends and new, they say. Next was the old friends – at Scotland, which I shall save for another post.

Yes, I may sound infatuated and I am raving on n on – but it’s one hell of an excuse to be smiling non-stop – don’t you think?

8 out of 10

2008-01-06T02:29:00.001+08:00

It’s slightly late for a year end post I know, but I was laptop-less for the past 2 weeks! I love this time of the year – not because of the festivities but because I like the feeling of closing off a year and everything bad that happened with it – and start the new year with a lot of energy n determination. And no, I don’t lose it all within the first few days. 2007 wasn’t an exception year – since nothing life changing, ground-breaking or earth shattering happened. Well, almost.

Things with family went well – only one major fight, successful negotiations on the “future plans” front and 2 weeks of mom staying with me and me still staying sane! Work was same old, although the team was churned entirely with all new faces and me being the most senior – except for Xonifer. A steady relationship with the Boy, who then decided to pack up his bags and leave. Still steady, touch wood. Including a short stay with the family, ahem. (His, not mine!)

Travels were few – but memorable. I touched down at China, Hong Kong, Philippines, Thailand (many many times), Malaysia, Indonesia, England and Scotland. It’s a start I’d say!

More friends – most of them lovable *wink*. A great new gang in London who I love to bits, colleagues to friends, and girl friends!

Lessons learnt – not to trust all property agents, it could cost you a few grands. Lower expectations from the chosen few, it makes it easier to get along. Stay brutally frank with others - it helps both of you. Keep it superficial, sometimes.

Two 10 km runs – that challenge you to do the 21km next time, and make you believe that you can.

A new-found attraction towards married men, ahem. The less said – the better. Although what is with that?? Whatever happened to the young, single men?!?!

I’d give it an 8 on 10
(The boy leaving and the real estate agent lose 2 points)

With big plans to conquer the world, excel at my new role, travel more, be less mean and materialistic, get healthier, contribute, love lots – I start the new year, and wish the very best for everyone!

Happy Holidays!

2007-12-16T23:29:00.000+08:00

After many unfinished, unpublished posts, I hope to write a completed one tonight.

I am going off in 3 days time and I can’t wait! I finally managed to get a parka, a few sweaters and gave away a significant portion of my paycheck to the retailers! And late x-mas shopping means not all the gifts are thoughtful! I am so excited about the trip – and also a wee bit guilty. I hate it every time my parents bring it up because they don’t know all the reasons why I am going. But hey, I just finished paying my student loan as of this Friday – and that’s a good enough to counter the guilt! Yes – it is done and over with. 4 years of undergraduate paid for in 18 months. On my own. It’s a darned good feeling – even though the heart sinks every time it sees the bank balance. So I am penniless but loan free!!!

Other than that, I have had not one, but two off-sites in the past month. That’s two 3-day holidays paid for by the dear company! Many games were played and much booze was consumed! and many men were *ahem* objectified! The men I work with were made to catwalk on the stage and “show us their stuff” – every one of them. And then the winner was chosen by the applause and hoots they got! It was borderline politically incorrect and very very funny! The last session was a 2 hour spa session before we headed back to Singapore – and the only thing better than a spa treatment is a free spa treatment! It’s on days like this that you love your employer! The timing for the two off sites was perfect because it puts one in the holiday mood – a prelude to the BIG vacation coming up! I expect it to be a good mix of sight seeing, cultural stuff, romance, shopping, reuniting with old friends, reuniting with loved colleagues who moved, road trip, drinking, and freezing!

The thoughtless x-mas shopping for the team includes a pair of shot glasses from Hard Rock Café from a previous trip – for the boss (yes, and he will love them. This boss thing is strange, yes.) A copy of “Memory Keeper’s Daughter” for the favorite team mate, two boring coffee mugs for people they would suit, and one set of aroma therapy candles. Apart from the coffee mugs, I think they’d be appreciated. Oh well – you can’t please ‘em all!

The other day it dawned upon me that it’s my parents 25th wedding anniversary in 6 months time! Need to plan a fancy-shmancy present for them and magically grow the $$ for it too! Any suggestions? For both the present and the $$ plan!

I believe...

2007-11-19T17:17:00.000+08:00

So things did fall in place finally…

When were they not in place? – for a whole of 3 weeks when my visa for my “holiday” was pending at a high comm., who refused to return it or even tell me when I could have it back. N all this time I thought I had the right to my own passport! N this was sort of getting in the way of my fancy shmancy BKK trip for which I had been preparing for over a month. There were going to be global visitors in town and I had to “earn” my trip there by doing a project with a “WOW” factor! So imagine my frustration when on a Monday at 1pm, I am staring at my air ticket for a 230 pm flight and STILL NO PASSPORT.

But like I said, things did fall in place.

The passport came at 530 pm, and my dear admin managed to put me on the 830 pm flight that night! (note – I hadn’t packed or called my parents abt the trip)

So I got here – I did a wizbang presentation, WOW’d a whole lot of people, and had a pretty good week. I am typing this in the car on the way home for the weekend and I think we’ve moved about 100 meters in the past 15 minutes. But I’m still smiling. After all, it’s the traffic in this country that taught me how to be patient…to an extent.

It’s strange being limited to the hotel and the office in a city where you spent your restless teens constantly moving from one mall to another. It’s been 5 years since I “lived” here. Over time, the visits have became shorter and less frequent and limited to time spent at home. but unlike other friendships, Bangkok and I have stayed as strong as ever. It delights me every time with it’s newfound chaos and order, making sure the shine never dulls away.

I indulged in a spa treatment or foot reflexology every day for the past 4 days and convinced myself that I deserve pampering myself. Top that up with authentic thai food everyday – and I was one happy camper – even if it meant working crazy hours instead of going shopping! The boss’s treat to us – an excellent dinner at Mezzaluna followed by drinks at the gorgeous Sirocco! Somewhere between the kiwi sorbet and the carnaroli risotto cooked in champagne, I think I thanked god for this light at the end of the tunnel!

I will soon lose my zen if this traffic doesn’t clear up – I need to get home now…have a yum home-cooked meal, watch some TV, and not have to care about chores and errands, or emails and conference calls.

Inside your head

2007-10-29T23:37:00.000+08:00

Why do things that seem so complex inside my head appear so trivial – once penned on paper.

n How was your weekend?? ;)

2007-10-22T00:43:00.000+08:00

The weekend has officially ended – since I started typing this entry just as the clock struck 00:00. And it has been a heck of a weekend at that! Friday started off as any other Friday – you know the usual, dinner, movie, NO alcohol, and back home! Saturday tra la la was spent updating the resume – and then grocery shopping for the dinner I was going to cook with WJ (whack job) for our friends. Yes – I must have been drunk when I got the idea, but I did and I figured, hey, lets cook Thai food and invite everyone over. And WJ, sweetheart that she is, was equally excited about the idea and agreed to help! Train2, the other sweetheart came as we were short on hands! So the 3 of us clicked photos and chopped and washed and boiled and sautéed and out comes : mango salad, green curry, rice, coconut rice, fried noodles, tom yam soup, and tapioca dessert! And to top it off, Thampiman & Malluboy 3 brought fruit cocktail and ice cream for dessert! Mean brought le wine and Anshul brought me half of Candy Empire. (I’m not kidding – it’s in my fridge) All in all, tons of food, most of my favorite people and yum yum! I am amazed that people survived the meal – no one to my knowledge had to get their stomach pumped or go to the doc!

I stumbled in bed sometime after 1230 and I had to wake up at 615 am! Say what? Yes – because I had signed up for the Women’s 10km run and run, I did! With a not so great, but respectable time considering I haven’t trained much, and a cute red sports jersey, I was very pleased with myself. Then I spent an odd 6 hours at the office with a couple of my colleagues, working away! Yes, on a Sunday! Yes, its God’s day and I had to work! So 3 of us, the 3 youngest in the organization worked for a good part of the Sunday and continued to do so after reaching home!

So that was a weekend packed with activities: resume, travel bookings, 10km run, work, chores at home!

The post has no point, obviously, except that I wanted to capture the weekend and stash it away to re-read on days when morale lies in the dumps! Because I see such days coming up in the next 3-4 weeks! Sigh sigh! One thing at a time!

Oh, and I’m going to Bangkok on a business trip in 3 weeks time! Tra la la!

I just soaked my oh – so – sore feet in warm salt water and suddenly I can feel the fatigue from the weekend taking over every muscle of my body! Ouch and ouch! It’s finally time to call it a day – before I realize I’ve forgotten something I had to do!

This is a Non Post

2007-10-05T00:02:00.000+08:00

So, it’s been decided. I’ll be spending this x-mas and new year’s freezing, making snow angels, drinking, and shopping with the boy, and then more drinking, trash talking, gossiping, and shopping with the best gf! If all goes well, I’ll be in London and then Glasgow (and maybe throw in Edinburgh) this X-mas! *fingers crossed*

Tickets have been sourced and I’ll give the genie a swipe this weekend! The parents have been pacified – they are not pleased at all. But they’re learning to live with it. I guess. I think I’ll throw in a surprise visit to parents to ease the guilt (not).

Phew. Am I glad that that’s out of the way!

Next! Studying has gone to the dogs. And I can’t get myself to study the regulatory bodies in the UK. Mergers. Acquisitions. Competition. Blah blah blah.

Last weekend was very low key and so I shall make up this weekend. Tomorrow is a night out with the friends at work, because J-Sq is in town! And we love him. My special affection towards him stems from the trip to manila where he drove me around in his sexy BMW n took me somewhere fancy! There would be good food and lots of booze and hopefully much dancing.

Saturday evening is booked for a birthday party at the beach! Fancy food, the beach and Ajay. Expectations are – being totally drunk, soaked, and indulging in silli-ness!

Tipsy’s having a house party at her place too and I’d hate to miss it! n I’d hate to miss the birthday party! And argh! Why oh why! Why does everything happen on the same night!

A friend from RIS is going to be in town for a week so there should be a mini – reunion coming up as well! Too much socializing!!

And I lost my chain of thought since I started watching West Wing in the middle and left this post hanging…

This is a non – post.

.Courtsy.Curtness.

2007-09-13T12:01:00.000+08:00

It's not very difficult to get along with people. Most people. But it is getting increasingly difficult to like them.

A day. in . Bullets

2007-09-11T23:59:00.000+08:00

Random insignificant events and thoughts that I feel like recalling because, well, for no reason other than this urge to write something, anything, to distract self from working.

- They made me the best Earl Gray at Spinneli today with the right amount of froth and sugar and I knocked it over my desk and spilled the ENTIRE cup of warm happiness on a crappy morning. Strangely, not a single drop on my clothes, laptop, phone and the entire menagerie that is my table.
- This person, let’s call him, Xonifer, is making my life miserable. Xonifer because, it sounds more fun than “Person X.” I wish Xonifer is abducted by aliens. (I’d have wished for him to get run over or something, but I secretly like him enough to not wish something so terrible. For anyone, for that matter.)
- So after cleaning up the tea from my table, I decided to continue working and nibbled on the almond biscotti I’d picked up as well. It tasted like cardboard, adorned with wood shavings that came off as crumbs and made you believe you were eating biscotti. I shouldn’t have cheated on Starbucks!
- The boy is being too nice, and I have not found a reason to get mad and claim “make-up” presents. I smell something fishy. I’ll accuse him of hooking up with other girls (and therefore being so nice to me), throw a tantrum and get myself that free air ticket! ;)
- I find myself using the term “In my younger days…” more and more often these days, which is freakin scary because I am not THAT old. I have got to stop!
- Also, I find myself cursing a lot more these days as compared to my younger days (there I go again! ) But I guess it’s a good enough stress release, much better than smoking.
- Speaking of which…(ahem, I shall not say anything for the purpose of self preservation)
- My favorite people at work are going to be moving on soon, leaving me to organize all the partying and random Friday drinks. Tsk Tsk
- I bit my right hand nails and I am not very pleased with myself. Atleast I kept 50% of the new years resolution for almost 9 months. (I didn’t bite the left hand. Its weird, don’t ask.)
- I have consumed no alcohol in the past 10 days although on several occasions I craved it desperately. This is unacceptable and some catching up needs to be done this weekend. Most probably by trashing Pappy’s place as we “warm” it.

It’s just midnight and I am finding it difficult to stay awake. In my younger days…

Sands of Time

2007-09-07T02:06:00.001+08:00

“I think I’m too old to find solace at *home* and too young for them to understand my need to be elsewhere. “

The little one left after 4 months of “summer,” and both of my parents are understandably very upset. I am trying to inject as much life as I can in the house, but it’s not easy. I think I saw a hint of relief on their faces when we finally got the call that he has landed after his 30 hr journey.

I have finally managed to renew my driving license and I’ve been let loose on the roads. Well, not quite. I am only allowed to drive when the Dad or the driver is present in the car (although it beats me how they’ll be able to do anything considering I have my hands on the wheel and feet on the accelerator!) Driving is my favorite type of high! It beats that JD Coke anyday! I absolutely love driving. I can’t wait to have a car of my own. Oh, we dream…that’s all we can do sometimes.

N wait for Saturday. Because I will be hanging out with some very special people. A mini reunion of sorts, if you will. I’ll be meeting my high school friends and exchanging stories of success and ahem, affairs. We love much.

We also love much, this toll free life, which unfortunately will end in about 2 days time. Sigh.

And sigh.

Boys will be boys...

2007-09-05T22:29:00.000+08:00

This one’s to you…

You, who I think of every time the word patience is mentioned. For someone so measured in every aspect, your endless patience is remarkable. You, who has many layers that you had forgotten yourself. Discovering them is a delight, so [you] better admit it.

N

You, who I spoke till 4 am. On grad nite. Of stars and such. Who made the going our own ways so real. So much so that you’ve reached too far to be in touch with. You, who is now a blurred face. Who realized all that I was, only when it was too late.

N

You, who’s wisdom and good nature has a way of making me believe that it will indeed be all okay. You define simplicity and I have to blink from time to time to make sure you’re real. You, are my belief.

N

You, who showed me how strong I can be, through no merit of your own, but your flaws. Your immaturity and XL sized ego (again, with no merits), taught me that I do draw that line, and say no.

N

You, who leave a sting in the eye from the whiff of a familiar scent. You who re-defined romance, and then again. Also, who brings out the vanity in me, where I can never whole-heartedly wish the best for you. I will you well, but not the best. I save that for myself because I am just THAT selfish about certain things.

N

You, who taught me how to be selfish by saying I was too selfless. You, who brought out my extremes, which is great because now I have a self spectrum.

N

You, who confuse me, amuse me, alienate me and then confuse me again. You, I can’t explain, because you don’t follow sense. Which is well, because if you did, it’ll be ugly.

N

You, who let me be ugly and not pay a price for it. You, who I let lead when I want to put my head down and close my eyes. I hope you know that I could run it just as well. It means the world to me.

N

You, who has made us child play. Masked so I don’t see through, you stay safe, thankfully. You may become the habit that one can’t kick because its familiarity is comforting. Something temporary about you, which I am to find in due time I assume.

N

You, who put an arm around me and rocked me. A gentle hush when I sobbed. You suddenly transformed in front of me into someone new, someone unexpected. You, who I’ll miss if I sobbed, ever.

N

You, who play me like a moody child. You, who have issues and shoes too big. You, who should think a bit because I allow only so much brattiness before I take charge. You, should be worried.

N

You, my first taste of heartbreak. You from the “ falling in like” days. When we were invisible to each other and yet so close. You, who marvel at my “success” now and tell me I was meant for big things. You, who I smile fondly about when I see young children. You always made me smile, then and now.

N

You, who were the first in something. The operative word being “were.”

N

You, and our metamorphosis. Need I say more? You are the assurance that there are selfless people exist in the world and not everyone has a hidden agenda.

N

You, who made me set the bar higher for myself. To be like you.

A lot said, for a few of you.

You, the boys/men from my life.

Hey there Delilah

2007-08-29T15:12:00.000+08:00

So this Sunday, I'll be at the beach. Not in Singapore, not doing laundry, not studying, but at the beach!!! (Fingers crossed that it doesnt rain)

Somtam, cotton candy, foot reflexology, easy chairs, banana boats, tender coconut (no alcohol, tsk tsk) and a good life! Finally, the fact that I'll be on a holiday has sunk in. I do have to wake up to dial in a conf. call on Tuesday morning, but I'll pardon that cuz I'm just THAT happy today!

Tomorrow is the big company dinner and my team does not have costumes yet! Which is an excellent excuse to leave work at 530 and go shopping! (I want a hot white dress, but I doubt I'll get a chance to...sigh...)

I have been easily annoyed by many people this week - the first being my cheapstake landlord who refuses to fix a leak in my room. It's freakin pouring everyday and he comes n does something to it, which makes NO difference! I think he jus licks off the water n pretends the leak is fixed!!! #$%^&*(@#$%^&*(

I am also highly annoyed at people who are "mature adults" but have the responsibility of a 3 year old. For God's sake, you may be brats of your world's (and I am, of mine) but don't expect me to put up with you, just like I don't expect you to put up with mine. Everyone around you picks up after themselves and takes responsibility for things they do - and as common courtsey to each other. So, please DO THE SAME. Unless you're paying me to do so for you!

Seasonal people irritate me. Here one day, gone the next. n then back. Because hey, I wasn't born to suit your conveniences. and nothing blossoms when you arrive.

Blargh!

So ahem. Anyhoo.

Tonight is the big shopping night. Tomorrow is the big dinner. Friday is the big play. I think I forgot minor things like - packing, buying stuff for family, oh n work. Apparently it makes a difference if 1 out of a 1,000 people go on a holiday!

I must also strategize for my "Improve Dad Revolution" - which entails joining forces with the mother and bro in nagging him endlessly until he gives in and gets a life! Beyond his job, meals, and TV.

I also need to master the art of tuning out the mother when she starts her MBA and/or marriage monologue!

With lots to do and lots to plan for, I should get back to looking busy and pretending to work!

Just a Little Bit

2007-08-26T17:47:00.000+08:00

It’s a beautiful day outside and for once, I have nowhere to be at, and nothing urgent to do. It’s a refreshing feeling – to not have my mind racing miles ahead of self.

I’ll start studying shortly, and strangely enough, I find that very de-stressing. There is no boss breathing down my neck and I am in control for a change.

This time next week, I’d be home and napping. (Home = Thailand) I’ve taken a week off from work and am going home for 9 days…I should be excited about it but for some reason it feels like a forced holiday. I’m not mentally prepared to take a long break yet, I guess. Or maybe I just haven’t had the time to absorb it’s implications. There is tons of work to be settled before heading off, sigh, and sigh.

At the risk of sounding like an awful person, I’ll say that I feel like thr’s an OD of family time. Don’t get me wrong, I love them and everything. But I think I can use some quiet time instead. Oh well. I do intend on spending a couple of days at the spa! I got a cheap-ass ticket on a budget carrier so that I can splurge on other things openly!

WOMAD was awesome on Friday. I loved the Scottish band, Shooglenifty! The music they created was to die for! The energy on the stage as well as in the crowd was enough to get me dancing non stop and stay on music high! The intensity on the faces of band members if something I love about live music! ADF was LOUD, as expected. But I didn’t love it as much as I thought I would. Maybe its because I was too in love with the long haired dreamy looking Scottish boy playing an instrument (who’s name I don’t know!) The finale party bored me within minutes and I finally dragged everyone home! (Sorry Narenoo!)

I clicked that pic on Saturday sometime close to mid-night while taking a lone walk on the beach. Soon after, I was followed by 2 creepy looking Indian men and I hurried home (after mouthing a few obscenities!) They had the nerve to wait outside the 7/11 while I went to grab a drink n hopefully get rid of them! Mofos!

Back to Sunday – when thankfully it’s not raining. And I’m gonna retire to my notes and the TV in the background, and study Fundamentals of Business Economics! N Soon, a cup of Earl Gray!

4 AM

2007-08-18T04:11:00.000+08:00

It’s 3:45 AM on a Friday night/Saturday morning and although I should be tucked in bed, sleep seems far far away. This newly developed insomnia is beginning to worry me now. One or two days is acceptable but 4 days of tossing and turning in bed is not quite normal.

It’s been quite a Friday night. The original plan of meeting D for a drink or two at Harry’s and then off home – followed by Rush Hour 3 later at night, was abandoned as the Harry’s gathering increased to 7 people and extended well into, and almost past dinner time. After much contemplation, the movie was over-written by a quick drunk dinner and more drinking at FC. House parties rock – oh so totally! The “crowd” is great, the “DJ” is friendly, and the “dance floor” always has place. The free flow of alcohol and the bed to sprawl on only adds to the fun for a Friday night. Lots of drinking games that revealed interesting facts, dancing and a wine glass that kept filling itself up ( n I don’t even like wine!) kept the party going till 3. I figured I might as well get home and get some sleep so I don’t waste the entire Saturday in bed!

N here I am, wide awake.

The boy has touched down at London, which makes all of this more real than it was when he was in India. This hit me in the middle of the party, with a glass in one hand, and a phone in the other. I was not prepared for the wave that hit me after, but was thankfully caught by well meaning friends. And then I was okay. I am okay, yes.

So that was that.

It’s now 4 am and I still can’t sleep. Damn it.

Gin & Juice

2007-08-17T00:26:00.000+08:00

The birthday came and lasted 3 days! :D Started off with late night calls from the boy, the family, the relatives n present from the housemate! A great cake and celebration at the office, dinner n drinks with great friends, cake – flowers – chocolates from the boy (special thanks to the “delivery man”), and awesome presents. Lots of wishes from friends across the world (partial thanks to Facebook) and finally a birthday lunch with the office friends today (all paid for by the boss).

I haven’t stopped grinning all this while and feel sooooooooooo loved!

EPL has started and I’ll finally be watching soccer again! I miss watching the late night matches over summer (Euro 2004 was it?) when the nights were long, getting high was fun, and life was simpler. When mother did not lecture about sleeping early, the bro fixed the mid night snack, and soccer players were cute (and talented, I’m sure)! Oh fun days!

So long distance with the boy sucks, especially since we’d recently been spending a lot of time together. Life’s not fallen apart but IMs limit conversation, as does family. I miss.

Speaking of IM’s – it’s strange that I have these detailed, intimate conversations with certain people where we talk about everything, from the weather to troubles/relationships/plans. And then we meet in person, and we hardly have anything to say to each other. Suddenly conversations are stunted and a half-baked joke are forced to bridge the silences. Or better yet, in big groups, we almost *avoid* any direct conversation? What with the dry pleasantries and quickly looking away.

Why can’t it flow as easily as it does over IM? Is facing people so difficult now that we prefer the veil of text than voices?

Birthdays n such...

2007-08-15T01:05:00.000+08:00

There's so much I want to say, but I'm too exhausted n delirious n far too happy to pen it down...

I just had a kick-ass birthday and I can't stop smiling...lovely company, good food, and great presents! I feel extremely luffed (loved) thanks to all the wonderful people who came down and I'm gonna go to bed holding on to this feeling!

Thanks All!

You never walk alone...

2007-08-11T02:03:00.000+08:00

The boy has left – moved on to (hopefully) a better place and to better things. The magnitude of the change that has happened has not hit me yet - I just went numb, and then okay. I hate people who go away! The farewell was complete with many promises and strict instructions. (You can NOT do a lot of things, but I can. Because, well, I'm a girl! ) I'm keeping my fingers crossed and planning the December trip.
I slept a lot and woke up with this strange restlessness. I want to fast forward 3-4 years in life to see what it's going to be like. I guess because nothing major and life changing is happening to me personally (like going to b school, changing jobs, moving cities), I just keep imaging what it'd be like if any of these things happened. And the problem with imagination is that there are just SO MANY OPTIONS. I get carried away with these possibilities and weave entire worlds around them, only to realize that I have no idea which one would eventually be mine. Now, I am not a very patient person and therefore the restlessness to know ahead of time. Crystal ball, anyone?
Friday happened, and it over. Boss returned from his holiday, a lot less sour, and back to making politically incorrect remarks about cleavages and other things! I’m both disturbed and relieved! My last few conversations with him were terse, and wanted me to quit my job! To celebrate this lack of grouchiness, JJ and I went and bought ourselves a pair of shoes each. And nutella waffles, in true Friday fashion!
All the plans for the day were scrapped and I found myself in Penny Black eating tons and tons of finger food for dinner and making “high” small talk with random colleagues. Eventually we turned to singing (we had the entire 2nd floor to ourselves and our home brewed band!!) I resisted every offer but finally gave in and …SANG! All of us did, and it was such great fun. My first time ever, singing in front of anyone! N no the mic did not break down! This Belgian hot shot and I tried to kick off the dance floor, but it didn’t quite work out. Once the “party” became boring, I headed off to settlers for a friend’s birthday and then home like a good child. Total alcohol consumption – 1 vodka cranberry. Barely vodka. Too much berry!
So, I’m doing okay I guess. The world hasn’t fallen apart and I’m not miserable. There is plenty to be done and no excuses left!

I am out of titles

2007-07-31T00:06:00.000+08:00

The mother is gone. The brother is gone. The boy will soon be gone.

Don’t feel bad for me, because I have plans, big big plans to fill my time. And they are kick-ass plans, mind you!

Mom was here for two weeks and it was quite a ride. There were days when I loved having them here, and days when I stayed at office till late just so that I could have some quiet time and hear myself thing. As expected, there was the nagging – I eat unhealthy food, I am too fat and none of my clothes look nice on me, I should sleep earlier, I should not stay on the comp 24/7, I should wake up 10 mins early and do yoga, I should think seriously about my relationships and bring to her in 1 year, a boy who’d wanna tie the knot in 2-3 years time. So for 2 weeks I slept early, ate healthy and assured her that I know about the boy tree and when the time is right, I’ll go and pluck a ripe one and bring to her. She was amused, but reiterated herself, hoping I’d get the point. I laughed and repeated myself, hoping to do the same. I don’t know why we must discuss things that won’t happen for another 3-4 years at least. The MBA was mentioned on average once a day.

But it wasn’t all bad! It was great having her over…someone to open the door when you have had a long day at work and ask how your day was. Hot breakfast and a forced glass of milk, hot dinner, lots of catching up. She helped me manage the things in the house I hadn’t had a chance to and made it look much like home. She also cooked a superb lunch for 20 of my friends with the limited pots and pans in the house and didn’t complain for a second! Lots of shopping, lots of eating out, lots of spoiling the little brother.

I’m not a horrible horrible person who hates her family! I love them to bits! Just that I do crave my quiet time sometimes and it drives me up the wall when I cant have that for a whole two weeks. I am however, proud that I did not have a single argument with her. Technically. Okay, so the MBA and marriage talk doesn’t count.

2 weeks I lived every free hour for them
1.5 weeks now I’ll live the free hours for/with the boy.

After nearly a month of borrowed time, I’ll have some of my own.

Things to look forward to:

- Rakhi at home this year, in a month’s time!
- Training for the 10K run in October
- Training to improve time for the 10K run in Dec
- Trip to London in December! (yes, most probably the Australia trip would be changed to London trip. Reason: cuz Australia would be too hot, and might as well stay in Singapore instead of shelling out the cash for that weather. Yes, believe me, that’s the only reason! )
- Salsa (it’s about time!)
- CIMA (it’s about time too!!)

In order to curb my thinking right here, (before I enter the “you think too much” territory) I shall go and read Half of a Yellow Sun, which FYI, is an excellent book. You must all read it! Go now, go go!

I can't think of a title!

2007-06-30T15:03:00.000+08:00

Old bags, old shoes, dried flowers and shreds of paper cover the entire floor of my room and my bed. The only seating space I could find is on the throw rug in the corner, which was there for a year for the purpose of sitting around n chilling, but is being used for the first time.

I’m jus taking a breather.

Although packing is such a pain, it’s a good way to clean out the closet and discard things you don’t use, or knew existed. I just threw away eleven pairs of shoes. *yes, forgive me, for I have sinned* It broke my heart, but some things just have to go.

I did discover a few things that pleased me ~ old photographs, a suede bag which I’d completely forgotten about, and my Red Bull tank top!

Of course the birthday cards from the past 5 years. I read each and every one of them again. From old friends, forgotten friends, ex-boyfriends, etc.

Then there are the letters. From past relationships. Not love letters, but just letters. What does one do with them? Put them all a shoe box and (a) bury (b) throw in the sea (c) stow away in the store-room (d) non of the above – shred them just like the other useless papers which will end up in the black garbage bag. What is the right protocol here?? I don’t particularly like option d because they are souvenirs from a not-too-unhappy past. And at some point, the things written in them were true. I think. Call me a mush bag, but I can’t get myself to throw them away.

I didn’t let myself re-read them though. Smart choice, one of the smarter ones.

Yesterday was the last day of the fiscal year and a much awaited occasion to pop a few bottles of champagne. The party was supposed to start at 730, but Friday traffic, lack of cabs, the rain, and last minute year closing things kept us from starting till 9. Without wasting any time, we got ordered our first drinks at Barfly and I ensured that the tables were always full of greasy, overpriced finger food! (After all, the boss is picking up the bill). The crowd was great, the boss was drunk, and the boys were cute! Needless to say that us girlies were very happy! ;) We lost a few people who had to go for family things, and by 11, the non – married ones were ready to dance, and boy, did we dance! 4 hrs of non stop dancing, drinks that kept appearing, thanks to Baldy, and a “supper” of cheeseburgers and fries at Macs! By the time I got home, I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, and staggered into bed.

One of the best party nights in a long time, should be followed by a lazy Saturday in bed! But I am instead trying to put together cartons, and pack all my belonging by this evening.

But the boy comes back tonight, I’ll be living much closer to the office starting tomorrow, the work load is to decrease a lot, and family’s coming soon! I guess I can’t complain, can I!

Money for nothing...

2007-06-28T00:04:00.000+08:00

***Proud moment***

I made an omelet for dinner on my own, without breaking it. It looked like a normal omelet, and I am still alive an hour after eating it.

***End of Proud moment***

I guess that says a lot about my culinary skills, doesn’t it? My response to ma when she grumbles about my lack of grace in the kitchen, is “ hah, I can’t be good at everything now, can I?” Apart from rolling her eyes, she can’t do much, and I get off the hook!

I was talking to Blurry today and realized that people around me are so focused on money these days. It’s rather disturbing. I guess it has something to do with just starting our careers and paying bills with our hard earned cash (for most) as opposed to the scholarship or the transfer from dad that parked itself into the bank every beginning of the semester. But still, I liked to know that we had better measures for like than the dollar bills. Conversations lately are measured in rent, costs, furniture costs, taxi costs, GST for god’s sake, courses’ costs, blah blah blah. It all boils down to the single $ value that is put on things.

Maybe it’s the long term vs. the short. We’re rather myopic as so far we’ve only planned for a few years at a time. In middle school, you only looked as far as 4 years of high school. High school was spent planning the glorious university days (4 years). Freshmen year in university was spent planning a major, and by junior year, we were planning the final year projects. Finally, in senior year, we were looking for the jobs. Now, a few are still looking at only 3 years before the MBA. We got so used to planning for the short term, that I guess we don’t have a grasp of the long term. I got my first bite of that when my parents told me that losing the money was no big deal, and in 2 years time, it would seem like an insignificant amount. N I figured yeah, in a few years time, I wouldn’t care at all. This was the comforting thought that helped me sleep at night.

I also stopped thinking in my head that I need a better paying job that I won’t enjoy half as much, every time something went wrong at work or every time I heard of another apartment that I couldn’t afford. I finally internalized the fact that for a few hundred bucks less, I get the experience and the skills that I won’t find elsewhere. Now how do you put a value to that?

I like to think we’re not merely materialistic, but rather trying to survive on our own in the “real world” as they call it. It’s always a race to chasing that big $$$ amount for the MBA. Or to start up a business. Or for that car. And some cushioning in the bank in case the sky falls. I like to believe that this $ talk is only the survival instinct, but that underneath, we do know the things that matter to us. N a few odd bucks here and there don’t change that.

Which one...?

2007-06-26T00:42:00.000+08:00

Say Cheese

2007-06-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

A Change will do you good

2007-06-22T00:07:00.000+08:00

I have an apartment! Finally!!!

It’s old, its huge, its expensive, its air-ey, its near town, its not fancy, its 2 bus stops from my office! So it’s not perfect, but in this market, it comes close! I still love our current place muchly, but somehow, I’m not attached to it. Maybe it’s because it’s only been one year. Maybe because I was rarely at home to make it feel like “home”. Or maybe after staying in a different room on campus every year, I’m used to packing up my belongings and moving on.

In the next 9 days, my life is going to revolve around packing, shifting, unpacking, cable, internet, utilities accounts; year end closing, forecast accuracy, etc. etc. oh, I forgot to mention that with June comes the end of the fiscal year, and being in the finance function, it means it’s the busiest time of the year! God bless them accountants who have to manage the “books.”! My sympathies!

Lately, my mind’s been racing at a pace too fast for the rest of me to keep up, and the whole day seems like a struggle for the rest of the body to keep up with it.

I want a holiday. Not a long weekend get away in Bkk where I get absolutely no breathing space. I need solitude, a change of scene, and a place where my brain goes in overdrive trying to absorb all the new sights and sounds. Or a quiet place where it slows down to match the stillness of the surroundings. Or a place with new people and refreshing conversation. Just something different from the present, a dream that I don’t want to wake up from.

No, i don’t wish to escape from the present. I just want some diversity in the present. A new flavor. A different note.

At the boarding gates...

2007-06-19T23:22:00.000+08:00

Careful where you stand

2007-06-17T23:56:00.001+08:00

*Post from 4 days ago*

I have been cheated out of a large chunk of my money and I am trying to make peace with it. I can live knowing that it’s only money, and that a few years down the lane, it’d seem like a negligible amount. But today it hurts. It was my hard earned cash over a year. It is also the first time I have been cheated. And that, I cannot make peace with. Its upsetting and it has left me rather shaken. I am trying the legal channel – after all, the law is there to protect us. But today I don’t feel so safe anymore. Every time I leave the house, I am conscious of who is walking ahead of me, and behind. No transaction, no deal, no interaction seems trustworthy. I can’t get rid of this shadow of suspicion that follows every movement around me.

It’s probably a good thing. We learn from our mistakes. Sometimes, we learn from our sheer bad luck. This time, it was my bad luck, and every other day, I dwell into the could’ve-would’ve-should’ve, which ends up replaying the entire event in my end, and leaves me exasperated, and depressed! I wish there was a way to carve our some thoughts from one heads and burn them away for good.

I noticed that over the past few years, I have become rather cynical. But today I realize, that it’s not enough. Cynicism should come hand in hand with an untrusting mind. I picked up the sourness along the way, but wasn’t able to change the fact that I trust people easily. Mental note: hate everyone, question everything.

Work’s crappy. There are days when I’m too messed up from the whole apartment thing that I can’t work. N then there are days when I’m ready to work hard, and the day starts with a nasty email, or fire fighting, without any commendable results.

It’s one of those days when you feel it slipping and you cant be bothered trying to stop it. You can only hope that you escape into a dreamless slumber, before you start slipping faster.

A box full of sharp objects

2007-06-04T00:57:00.000+08:00

I haven’t posted in a while, I realize. I’d like to think that’s because not much has happened, but in fact plenty has!

I need an apartment - I found one – I signed lease – paid deposit – found out the agent’s cheating me as another person has signed lease for the SAME place – went to police – asked for money back – got a cheque. I’ll find out tomorrow if I actually get my money back. Else, that’ll be some real hard earned money that I’ll have to chase.

The boy (knows as the boy, to many) is leaving the country to pursue, ahem, higher education. He’ll be gone in approximately two and half months. Some laughed when they found out, not because they are just mean hearted bastards, but because of the irony of this all. A previous relationship didn’t work due to the distance, and this one is going to test my patience with distance, again. They laughed, because when I date, I am treated like a princess, and then external forces ensure that this person is placed far far away from me. This time, even I laughed. So I wouldn’t cry.

I wonder if this is some conspiracy to teach me how to live alone and be independent. WELL, I PAY ALL MY EFFING BILLS AND RUN MY ERRANDS AND LEAD A LIFE W/O THE FAMILY. WHAT MORE DO I NEED TO LEARN?

*phew*

So anyhoo!

Since the house thing had be going bonkers for days (not having a place, and then being cheated in one), I have been eating too much, and drinking like they are about to ban alcohol for good! Next week, it’s time to say hi to the guys at the gym again!

One high point of the week was a Cuban (was it??) dinner, refreshing mojitos, a great band, and some wonderful company on a Friday night. I do have the nicest friends, mind you! They make you stop worrying about the world falling apart, the boy leaving, the lack of roof over your head, and your approaching poverty!

Friends leaving, friends getting married, friends turning into acquaintances. It’s all happening right here!

In some ways, I am happy that time is flying. It is letting me leave things behind – things I should have left behind a few stops before. But better late than ever, I always believe. The light-headedness and freedom that comes with this was long overdue! Travel light, why carry the extra baggage, that you know you neither need, nor can afford.

Which reminds me, in 4 days, I’ll be home, eating rich food, catching up with the little one, enjoying the feeling of being a complete family again, and indulging in all (most of) my vices.

Till then, its working hard, cursing the boss, apartment – hunting, and no alcohol!

I wish I could say not much has been happening!

Choices

2007-05-09T10:03:00.000+08:00

My biggest problem at the moment is that I cannot decide what phone I want to buy!
I know I want a new one - Just don't know which one! They're all fat and ugly or bulky and ugly!

Since I cannot make up my mind and choose one of the uglies.

So - I am still using the old one!

Bahh!

Smack that!

2007-05-09T00:37:00.000+08:00

The most entertaining thing I did today was watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy ~ and this episode did not feature McDreamy enough. Judging from the high point, you can guess how crappy the rest of the day was. I also painted my fingernails - for therapeutic reasons. This way, I’d have wet nail paint, which means I can’t use my hands, and thus I can’t hurl anything out of my window. (Objects to be hurled: the cell phone, the laptop, the fan, the chair, the teddy bear, the mirror, and anything I can lift!) I would have thrown these things out earlier but I had temporarily lost use of my right hand – because sometime around 5pm, after declaring that I was having a shitty day, I went to the pantry to get myself a hot cup of milo and ended up spilling half the steaming contents on my hand. It went numb and then it hurt like hell. Especially the soft skin between the thumb and the index finger – HELL I say!

The Barclays, ABN, RBS, Bank of America fiasco is also another source of entertainment. It’s almost as good as celebrity gossip.

I faced an interesting situation over the weekend, when at a party, one of the guests said something unpleasant to me, for no apparent reason (no, I wouldn’t have offended them in any way, considering I barely spoke to them and don’t know them) I wonder how such “educated” and “mature” people can stoop to such lows. I did not deliver the otherwise well deserved bitchslap because I did not want to insult my wonderful host’s guests! Man, if only I had!

On to more pleasant things – the cute Spanish boy (CSB) will be joining the team starting Monday. We took him out for dinner at Equinox, which serves below average food with a great view! CSB is very friendly and the accented English is oh-so-cute! Later, he managed to convince us that we should all have drinks, on a Monday night. We gave him extra brownie points, even before he’s started! Next week would be interesting, to say the least!

The gym friends have noticed my absence as of late, and I have a lot of catching up to do starting Thursday! *groans* I hope I break something, a minor burn is not a good enough reason to not go to the gym and not feel guilty!

3 more days till the weekend – there is still hope!

Granola makes me grouchy...

2007-05-03T23:19:00.000+08:00

The good news: boss’s boss is NOT coming to town, and therefore I don’t have to work my ass off to produce a whizbang presentation by next week; the cute, curly haired, colored eyed Spanish boy is indeed joining our team, and we’re be taking him out for a fancy dinner next week!

The bad news: there is sooooooo much work to be done! And I haven’t worked out in almost 2 weeks; I could barely jog on Tuesday and today at the gym, I just gave up. Gym felt like slow, painful death – so 40 mins into the work out, I just stopped the treadmill and walked off! So now I feel fat, AND lazy! Bummer!

Other, not so important news : last week I felt like a clerk at work. I also found out that some freakin’ investment banks are paying their summer interns a full employee pay, WHICH IS MUCH MORE THAN MINE! Some twerp will walk off with a huge pay check, and no taxes, no provident fund, nothing! I am right to feel underpaid and over worked! UNFAIR!

I think I have to stop eating those darned “healthy” granola bars for breakfast! Health food as first meal of the day makes me cranky!

I am completing my 1 year in the company in about 2 weeks time ~ I no longer have the “new-hire” tag to protect me, so now I can just hope that the “innocent” look works, every time I stuff something up! This also means that now I can bully the newbies and act like I own the place!

One year out of the university and into the work – force…where was I when time was flying by??

Somewhere I belong

2007-04-23T21:00:00.000+08:00

I am typing this half sunk in my oh-so-comfortable bed at the Pen. and wondering if should bother getting up for dinner and a massage, or if I should just shut my eyes and sleep right away! I okay Manila, I don’t love it absolutely. Although, I have to say that it beats Singapore hands down when it comes to hospitality and gives Thailand some real competition in this field! I work with a lot of Filipinos and I used to wonder, how in the world can they be so nice and smiling all the time! Now, I’m in country surrounded by hundreds of these very sweet people! I think that gets rid of half the stress!

I didn’t get much sleep last nite because I was bumming around with friends, and only realized pretty late that my training actually started at 8! God knows how I made it to breakfast and past the training! *I yawned shamelessly so many times, I wanted to bury my head in the ground* The fact that the training was super dry and boring didn’t help either! So, instead of working late, I decided to come back to the hotel, change, and head out shopping! I was warned not to stay out too late, so I did my shopping at the mall nearby and just came back a few mins ago. I am now waiting for my colleague to pick me up, to go out for dinner and a much needed massage! If he doesn’t show up soon, I risk falling asleep in jeans with this laptop on my stomach!

I am not extending my trip anymore and am returning immediately after my meetings tomorrow. I had the option of staying longer, but I realize that there isn’t anything that’s keeping me here, holding me back, unlike China and HK! Like I said, I okay Manila. Its much like any Indian metro, plus a gazillion warnings to be careful, just like we warn our foreign friends when they go to India.

I don’t mind going back tomorrow – there is something that holds me back there.

The little one is back at home now and suddenly, I’m more homesick than ever! I want to go back, and I cant! With the team being reduced to nearly half its size, there’s more than enough work to be done ~ and the boss is already traveling. I don’t think I can go home before july! *sobs* work sucks!!! Wondering if I should make a quick weekend trip first, in May and then go for a longer break later!

But before that, I gotta go back tomorrow, survive the week, pack my bags, and go off on my long long weekend!

*stares away in space and day dreams of the beach*

Hella Good

2007-04-17T00:06:00.000+08:00

It’s amazing how with just a few strokes of keys, one can shrug off so much. Neat and measured deletions – and just like that, it’s gone. Sometimes, you gotta love the computer for keeping things so impersonal. If you hit the right ones, you never run the risk of stumbling upon what you’d hidden away from yourself.

I’m reading Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar, so pardon me if I sound like I’m far away. I still remember her poetry from high school days – it was too disturbing for our impressionable minds, and to date, I remember Tulips, Lazy Lazarus, Daddy, etc. and how every analysis somehow lead to her depression and suicide attempts. Disturbing, but beautiful. Sigh. This is her only novel, and is just as remarkable as her poems. Unfortunately, it leaves one almost devoid of life, much like the protagonist.

Plenty of changes taking place these days; my good friend and team mate from work is serving the last 2 weeks of his notice, before he leaves to pursue his real interest - writing. My manager, is also serving her notice. She will leave the company in about 3 weeks. Her extensive knowledge of the business and 10 years of experience is something I doubt many people can match. Neither can they match her caring and understanding nature, and her willingness to indulge in our silly games, drinking, and partying, and gossiping. The boss told me that I’ll be fine, and that after a few years, people moving on and leaving would stop bothering me and I wouldn’t get so attached. I hope he’s right – because you know how much I hate people leaving.

Whenever I reach a phase in my life, when things should be stable and straight forward, and I start to think – oh hey, maybe I can get a breather, new uncertainties haunt me. It’s a pattern, which repeats itself such as the chaos is about to clear. Maybe I should stop wishing for simplicity – maybe if I can convince myself that it’ll just be too dull, I will stop wanting it so bad.

Told the boss I need time off, and have extended the Labor Day holiday into a long weekend. Plans are to laze by the beach, pamper self at the spa, recharge by the water sports, and get a change of scene. Bookings have been confirmed, and all that remains is the count down. I also plan to forget my hand phone at home.

Coming Sunday, I fly off to Manila! When I’d gone down to the Philippines Embassy, something reminded me of my teenage crush. A Filipino guy - cute, popular, friendly, and funny – oh how I adored AB! Do people still have crushes these days? It seems so passé!

On a more cheerful note, an hour ago, I spoke to the mother about coming home later in May, when the bro will be home too. I also told her that I’m booking us into a full day spa treatment, which she’ll just have to come for, no questions asked, as we leave the men behind at home. I love how I can order everyone around at home!

Seeing as I have plenty to look forward to, things aren’t looking too bad! It’s the damn book, I tell you.

Motivate Me...

2007-04-09T00:50:00.000+08:00

I gathered up the courage to go on a bike ride, for the second time in my life. The first time was 18 years ago. I am very proud of my achievement.

I promised myself I won’t drink this weekend, and managed a 66.67% success rate. I did drink on Friday, but that’s excusable, since it was super smart and super sexy Sherene’s birthday party! She, btw, was an amazing hostess, busy attending to all her guests, even when she was the guest of honor!!! And before R kills me, I must say that he deserves the credit for pulling together a great surprise party at his place for the lovely gf!

I also managed to watch The Namesake, which I loved absolutely. I always prefer the book to the movie, and this one’s no different. But I don’t think anyone would have been able to paint the book on the screen better than Mira Nair. For someone who hadn’t read the book before, it might have seemed a little disjointed, as she tried to squeeze the entire book in just two hours of screenplay. The acting, however, made up for this little flaw! Oh, and Kal Penn’s kindaa cute, and can pull off a non-comic role pretty darn well!

Friday was the most eventful day, and it all went downhill from there. I slept a lot, but disturbed sleep just adds to the fatigue, rather than curing it. When bothered by something, I seek comfort in buying pretty things, which don’t look so great by the time I get home. I swear, it’s as if during the 15 mins that I take to come home from the mall, the fit, the size, the color, all transforms into something hideous!

The boss is back tomorrow, and I’m not ready to face the music, yet. I want to find a corner and become invisible. Sigh. I was so unproductive all of last week! I just hope that it was a passing phase, and it’ll all be okay from tomorrow.

Its late on a Sunday night and I’m too blah right now, as is evident from this post. But tomorrow is Monday, the start of yet another week. Sigh. You know what I mean…

All that she wants

2007-04-04T00:58:00.000+08:00

It’s well past midnight and although I’m extremely tired, I’m far from sleepy. A whole lot of things are gnawing at the back of my head, keeping me awake, and cranky. When all failed, I figured I might as well pen them down. It usually helps me get rid of fighting issues one by one, laying them out and then sitting back to see the whole picture. The fact that this space is not as anonymous as it once was does not bother me - I don’t feel the need to be hiding in the comfort of anonymity anymore. I don’t need a disclaimer, but still – this is not me whining. This is me just lending my worries to this space, so I can make way for sleep.

*The fact that I don’t have a specific goal in my career, and it is up to me to define it, both exhilarating and scary. While I have the freedom to choose between aiming to do well in this assignment, working for a short term in this company, and planning my career with it, I can’t seem to settle on one to work hard towards. So far, I had milestones at specific time intervals – high school – 4 years – university – 4 years, and I knew what I wanted to get out of each of those. Now, I don’t know where I want to place the next milestone for my career. 2 years? 3 years? 10 years? Its all very exciting, but at the moment, I’m too overwhelmed to appreciate this freedom.

*I wish I did something more meaningful at times. No leads on Laos yet. Sigh.

*Why don’t I have the willpower to stop using food as a comfort object during tough times ~ and lose a few pounds that I know I can do without. There are no healthy options near the office, and I have inherited my love for food from both my parents. Living in a country where girls are 99% skinny – it’s tough sometimes to feel all that great about yourself. And when the weighing scale at the gym, mocks your sweaty work out – it isn’t funny!!!

*Where will I be living in two months time? I need a new house since the landlord wants this place back; 2 out of 4 of us are uncertain about whether they will still need to be in Singapore after June, so I don’t know if we should look for a place for 2 or 4. I know I know, I shouldn’t worry so much about things I don’t have control over, but I do anyways.

*I want to travel – while I still can, commitment free. I wish that I had company to travel, with people who were at the same frequency at me. The Genting trip was cancelled – due to unfortunate and unforeseen immigration and important commitments. I understand, but I am frustrated that I spend the CNY weekend AND this long weekend in town, doing nothing different. I have resolved that I am going to start traveling alone – one can always use quality time with themselves, and can never make enough friends!

*I wonder if I’ll ever have a relationship that was not perpetually shadowed by clouds of uncertainly. Or distance. Always. Because I don’t think I can keep looking out for the silver lining. One can’t always see it, you know. I didn’t know that a simple one would be so hard to come across. I might see a faint silver if I squint hard enough.

* I don’t want to feel bad about not having savings. I pay all my bills, a huge CPF, and paying for more than 50% of my college education, by forcefully taking a uni loan, and now repaying it myself. Throw in the few expensive presents for the family that I always wanted to get them, and finally have the means to, and splurge on myself once in a while on myself. Complete financial independence – check. The right “to own that ridiculously high pair of shoes, and many other “non-sensible” pretty things” earned? – Check.

*I wish I knew how to manage my time better so I could accommodate all that I wish to do in the 24 hours that is a day. Because days go by and months change without warning, and I am way off some personal goals. I am not pleased with myself.

I should now go to bed – hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll find half of my worries, if not all, juvenile and worth a good laugh.

And buy something new – to add to the collection of “things I could’ve lived without”

TOYS R US!

2007-03-30T11:08:00.000+08:00

Time: 10:00 am
Breakfast: Chocolate chunk granola bar

I came in the office a full 15 mins later than my usual time – and the office is still half empty (or half full, whatever you prefer). I wonder if everyone else was reading a book as interesting as mine that they ended up sleeping late as well. I picked up “Three Cups of Tea” from Borders last weekend, and it comes with a beautiful one line description: “One Man’s Mission to Promote Peace…One school at a Time.” It’s the perfect book for the state of mind I’ve been in recently.

It gives one some perspective, and take another look at their growing list of material worries – and hang their head in shame. It’s not a feel good book though – nor is it a piece of literature. It’s a narration of a man who tried to climb K2 – failed – raised money – to go back and build schools for the village girls in Pakistan/Afghanistan. I can’t say what I love more – the scenery, the man’s unbeatable spirit, or the mountain climbing stories. Sigh. I was willing to miss by stop just so I could finish a chapter.

In my moment of inspiration, I have sent some emails. If all goes well, I’ll be in Laos this summer, working on a project to provide clean drinking water. Keep your fingers crossed for me please.

On a more cheerful note, we are moving to our old/new office on Monday – which means today will be spent packing our stuff, and we have to empty the office by 6. The girlies and I shall head out then for some fine wine and dining and more wine. Packing promises to be fun, as I have the most interesting desk at the moment – decorated with toys. Yes, I repeat, toys. Happy Meal toys to be precise. My very thoughtful boss needs his evening snack, and religiously buys a McDonalds Happy Meal – and awards the toy to me. (Yes, I have told him many times that I am not 5!!!) There are these really ugly Bionicle thingis, an even uglier hello kitty, a pink doll + closet, a beanie baby type teddy bear, and a whole menagerie of others. Sigh. In my defense, I didn’t buy or ask for, or want, any of those. (Oh, but my prized possession is a pair of devil’s horns, which I absolutely love)

You can stop giving me funny looks now.

How do you breathe

2007-03-27T00:21:00.000+08:00

I recently completed 10 months at my first job, and fortunately, I am not as dissatisfied as a lot of my peers with their respective job.

But a long lunch and insightful conversation with my colleagues got me thinking this Friday – about exactly how satisfying or fulfilling I find my job –

On bad days, I spend countless hours in meetings which are a complete waste of time; write a gazillion emails, and adding absolutely no value to the business, or to myself; drink far too many expensive lattes, watch everything go wrong; whine about everything that went wrong, and pack up and leave, feeling underpaid and over worked.

On good days, I lead meetings, influence people, make decisions, resolve issues, change the way things are done – and make a difference. I manage to have pleasant lunch breaks with colleagues/friends; manage half-decent meals, leave for the gym on time, and have a solid work out.

But at the end of the day – be it good or bad, what am I essentially doing? Adding value to the business? Gaining work experience? Honing my skills? Networking? So the company benefits from it, and I personally benefit from it. But something’s missing –

After 10 months, now that I have settled in, and am no longer overwhelmed by the size of the company or the extent of my job – I guess I can sit back and look at the whole picture. And I can put a finger on what is missing –

The non-material, external factor. Where it’s not about how much money I made or saved for the company, and in return how much they paid me! But if I actually made a difference in anyone’s life. It’s pathetic how I left student mentoring for inexcusable reasons such as thesis, job interviews, then the job itself, etc.

Some days, I go to bed thinking if this is all that I want to do in life. Other days I wonder if this is exactly what I don’t want to do. Most nights, I don’t know.

Maybe if I find that something which goes beyond my current grip, and makes me stand on my tip toes, and reach out, maybe then, it’ll all fall in place.

Till then, I can go to bed knowing that I haven’t sold my soul to the devil. Well, at least not yet.

It's all Pappy's Fault!

2007-03-13T18:02:00.000+08:00

So, I made an SMS boo boo this morning as I hit the wrong name on my list and there went my sms - to the wrong person. I thought I'd die of embarressment at first, but now I find it funny. Oh, and I'm denying it ever happening. I didn't do it - hah! Pappy did. The fact that Pappy couldn't have used my phone at 940 am simply because he's on the other side of the city, is absolutely irrelevant. I didnt do it - He did! (I should tell Pappy about what he's allegedly done!) *winks*

In other news, I'm going on a road trip soon! Probably to Genting or somewhere - destination doesnt matter, the company does. And I'm going with a kick-ass group of people! I can't wait for the Good Friday weekend!

Sandy's coming back from New Zealand, finally. It's about time - people shouldn't be gone long, it annoys me. Then I miss then, and then I get angry at them cuz they're gone and missing them makes me sappy. So, when I do speak to them, I spend half the time yelling at them, for being gone! Yes, even I don't see the logic, so don't try! I just hate people who go away.

Stupid Sandy is coming for a few days, before he goes off to his glam job in London. What the @#$%^&?!?!?! Like I said, I get annoyed when people go away. This also means that the members of the club that calls me "Princess" is depleting fast! (Yes, I am that bratty!)

Nothing else is new! It's a Tuesday like any other.

To "S"

2007-03-09T00:06:00.000+08:00

12 years ago –

I wasn’t exactly a timid kid – I was always outgoing, giggly and loud. But life had gone through a few unexpected turns. I had moved to Thailand with family, but because of the different education system there, I had to come back to India to complete my 6th grade. Within a month’s time, I returned to Calcutta, a city i’d only been to once before, to spend the next 6 months living with an aunt, and completing her 6th grade. It was a new city, new school, new education system, and a new family that I had to adapt to – and catch up on a semesters worth of study material – all in 10 days.

I made new friends in the neighborhood and school, and since a lot of them lived in my block, my school friends and home friends were the same. S was one of them. S – a skinny guy, with a bright smile and a huge heart. He lived in my block and was in my class as well. Since he was a bright kid, the teachers asked him to lend me his notebooks to catch up on the previous semesters work. We became good friends, and soon I was part of the gang – we hung out, played stupid games, ate junk from hawkers and lived the typical 11 year olds life. Except that I had a personal flock of bullies, and no one else did. Sigh. I had to take after school tuition lessons for a few days to catch up on the previous semesters work in the new school, and everyday, as I’d return home at 6pm, a gang of boys would be playing cricket outside my block. And the minute they’re see my approach, they’d whistle, and tease one of their guy friends about me. no big deal, I think now. But back then, it was a huge deal. 7 guys against 1 girl – that too, new. Back then, I was not the type who’d just look them straight in the eye and tell them to fuck off. I wish I had. I would jus keep a straight face and wake right up to my house. I remember how much I dreaded it and how everyday while I walked back from my lessons, as I’d turn the corner to my street, I’d pray that the boys had chosen a different place to hang out. And my heart would sink as I’d spot them from far, and the jokes on me would begin. No one said anything directly to, but they said everything to V, a stupid dumbfuck of a guy, about me. Like “there comes your heartthrob” blah blah some stupid shit like that. Amazingly, stupid shit like that can bully a little girl. Anyways, back to the story. One fine day, S happened to be around when the guys started their usual chit chat as they saw me approach. (the boys were from my grade in school btw, where they pretended like nothing was going on.) And he heard them. I think later in the evening when we were hanging out, he mentioned that and I burst out crying. (yes, again, little girls are sensitive) I hated Calcutta, I hated living there, and I hated being bullied everyday and not being able to tell anyone. Didn’t wanna create trouble for my uncle/aunt, and didn’t wanna worry the parents. Few days after, he heard them say something to me again and he went n told them off. Some guy stuff, which I didn’t hear. But he got the point across. And they stopped eventually. They knew I was part of the other gang, S and his friends, my friends, and rule of the neighborhood – everyone stays within their territories and doesn’t bother the others. I was relieved beyond relief –I remember being able to walk back home and not worry. It all seems so silly now, so juvenile. But I guess when you are 11, such things matter the most. S was always nice to me, not in a “I’m hitting on you” way, but “i’s new – i’s not with family, let’s make sure i doesn’t get homesick” way. They adored me, my attempts at Bengali, and at wearing a sari at durga puja. S would walk back home with us after school and he had a bicycle and I’d walk back (the school was that near), and another girl and I would dump our bag on his bike and walk off, and he never said no. I dunno why I remember such little things. But he’s one of the few people I remember from Calcutta. I hated those 6 months of my life, and if it weren’t for S and the gang, I’d have been miserable throughout.

Today – I found him on Orkut. As much as I hate orkut, I am glad for this one thing. I remember trying to look for him earlier, but never finding him, and this time I did. I msged him and wondered if he remembered me, and he did.

I doubt we’ll have much to talk about today- if at all. We had a brief friendship of 6 months, and then a 12 year gap. I think a quick chat is all that we’ll be able to manage , and then it’ll be forgotten. But I ll remember those days, and I’ll remember S. That was one of the most difficult time of my life, being jolted out of my comfort zone and thrown into a whole new world, which I grew to hate. Thanks S, for at least now I have some fond memories of those 6 months.

p.s. this is the longest post ever!

"It's been so long since I've seen the ocean..."

2007-03-06T00:47:00.001+08:00

I went on a crazy shopping spree this weekend, and I am very pleased with myself. I have developed this new tendency to shop – and do that non stop, when I’m nervous about the turns of life. Thankfully, not many things make me nervous enough these days to go swipe plastic everywhere. Else, I’d be in so much trouble!

Its been a kick-ass Monday. Yes, I just used the words Kick ass and Monday in the same sentence. The boss is away on business trip, to a place where the time zone is in our favor – so that his working hours and our starting/break/lunch hours clash perfectly. Therefore, he can never find us! We are gonna savor every minute of the next 3 days! Don’t get me wrong, we love our boss. It’s just that these days we’re all so swamped, and his requests, typically “things that shouldn’t take more than 15” actually do – and they are never ending. Before we know it, its 6pm and we haven’t touched a thing on our to do list. I was surprisingly chirpy today – and got tons done. Just to make it better, my very girly, retro dress, was a hit at the office!

I continued the shopping spree from yesterday and went to buy some more gym stuff – shorts, tees, and a gym bag! Now I have no excuse to not go! Sobs!

I bet if I’d read my horoscope today, it’d have read “BEWARE!! do not make any financial transactions today – or else your wallet will burst into flames!” I tried to expense my corporate card bill and realized that the hotel had double charged me. called them up, and the manager called back and apologized for their boo boo. Tried to pay bills online (there are so many bills that its not even funny!) and the internet kept disconnecting as I hit “confirm” I might just have paid my phone bill 5 times. Argh! N my credit card company fucked up my account statement and was charging me an odd 500 bucks extra. It really isn’t a good day for bills.

I need a holiday – doing grown uppy things is tiring! Plans for the Good Friday weekend are floating about and I am very excited. Mom might be coming by for a week sometime soon too! I have to make the Manila trip happen somehow, and some friends from work and I are planning on a backpacking trip to India! Planning holidays is so much more fun than setting accounts, paying bills, and figuring out that you have no money left!

I’m just in an usually good mood – and I shall go to bed grinning like Cheshire cat now!

"It's been so long since I've seen the ocean..." - Long December, Counting Crows

"It's been so long since I've seen the ocean..."

2007-03-06T00:47:00.000+08:00

This post doesn't deserve a title

2007-02-28T15:40:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, at work I had to tell a woman that she’s made a mistake and it was going to cost her team dearly. I am horrible at confrontations. Maybe that’s why she didn’t sound worried at all. I hope she’s prepared for the music she’s going to face today – because she’s managed to annoy a whole flock of hot shots. This is the part of the job that I don’t like much – ugly confrontations. The corporate world is an ugly place, but one must wear pretty shoes here.

Salsa is old news, - not that I love it any less. But I need to start something new. I’m thinking tennis; foreign language ; another dance form ; gym ; guitar ; martial arts; rock climbing; yoga; accounting certification. Spoilt for choices – I am undecided. By next week, I should better enroll in something new. And find the time for it.

I am using far too many hyphens in my writing – they’re beginning to replace all punctuation marks. I don’t know how/why/where I picked up this habit but it is very recent, and mildly annoying. Maybe from work emails, which is the only form of coherent writing I have been doing lately. To do list and groceries list doesn’t count.

It’s a dull day outside, and inside. The gallons of coffee I drank isn’t doing me any good – except for the regular visits to the ladies. Looking at the bright side, at least I’m getting some form of exercise rather than sitting on my butt all day. As you can see, the dullness has now taken over my entire self, including the sense of humor, or the ability to think.

I wonder what it’d be like if I could play the drums. Maybe I should add that to my list of new things I want to take up. Don’t ask where these random thoughts are coming from. I am brain dead today, just humor me.

I wish I was working from home today. It’s the perfect day to be taking conf. calls in boxers, with a huge bowl of cereal and the phone on mute. Crunch crunch. Unmute. “I agree”. Mute. Crunch crunch. Unmute. “I think that yadiyadayaya, what are your thoughts on this.” Mute. Crunch away. Unmute. “Okay, agreed. So the next steps are blah blah blah blah. Timing I’m looking at is blah blah blah. Okay then, thank you.” Mute. Crunch crunch. Hang up.

I thought I’d check the news – but all I could find was how n why the stock market is doing real bad. My reaction - whoopdidoo.

In other news – I have received some tax forms. I am officially a grown up, paying for provident fund and taxes.

This sucks.

The 100th Post

2007-02-26T21:54:00.001+08:00

Forever is probably the shortest duration of time. –

Have u ever caught the whiff of a passerby’s perfume, which made you stop in your tracks – because it’s a fragrance so close to your heart. Did you search for the owner you knew so well, only to discover that it’s been stolen by a total stranger. Were you also betrayed by your senses?

Have you ever gone so far down memory lane that you can’t remember how you got there? Did you manage to find your way out? Did you want to?

I have. Several times. Sometimes I came out smiling; others, biting my tongue to hold them within.

And you?

Boss, I quit!

2007-02-22T00:07:00.000+08:00

I haven’t written in a while, I realize; and although nothing noteworthy has happened, I just feel this need to recap. Don’t ask!

* Work’s been crazy busy – and the usually good natured individuals of my team have turned into ill-tempered, frustrated, over-worked zombies, who are ready to bite anyone who gets in their way. Pleasant, proper English has been replaced by a colorful dialect, spoken by both employees and managers. We don’t discriminate! The only good thing is that even during these stressful times, the team stands to support each other – rather than snapping at each other. Even if it means canceling drinks on a Friday – to keep someone company, who’s file crashes just as she was about to send it off.

* I’ve seen some bad days myself – classic being the day I met my mentor for our regular sessions, and I oh-so-casually said “I was thinking of quitting yesterday. But I couldn’t look for other jobs online, cuz I was on a call till late night.” Imagine the man’s surprise as he tries to calm down the same girl, who, 2 months ago, had told him how much she loved her job. Oh well, we all have our days.

* V-day saw me in the office till 1145pm with my entire team. We did however, have dinner together, and happily expensed it on the company. Cocktails n all. Whoopdidoo. Let’s not forget, though, that I did have my fair share of flowers and chocolates and the like.

* V-day was also the Little One’s birthday, and I conveniently misplaced his phone no. I am such a horrible sister! I had to get his phone number from his room-mates sister, who happens to be one of my closest high school friends. (Yeah, coincidence!)

* The 4 day weekend was spent indulging in one or more of the following – sleeping, eating, drinking, bumming, couch-potato-ing, and doing nothing useful. For the entire 4 days.

*Well, 3 actually. On the last day, I got out of my lazy mode, and went to the nearest mall on a whim. I spent 2 hours in a bookstore checking out books on everything – from photography to self help to management to cooking, and then finally settled in a cozy corner near the Literature section. I scanned through a few pages of “Who Moved My Blackberry”, which was hilarious! It’s a hilarious compilation of a marketing executives emails to family, friends, and the bosses. 8 months into the corporate world and I could appreciate the humor in the book and the mockery of corporate jargon! I swear, I was laughing out loud to myself! I finally left with Milan Kundera’s Laughable Loves, which I am loving absolutely. More on that later!

* At this very moment, I am thinking of why I allow myself to get involved in things which I know will result in me being confused/angry/upset or all 3. I absolutely ignore the little voice in my head that says “If you want to sleep peacefully tonight, do NOT do this!!!”

* Knowing what’s the right thing to do, and doing it, are two very different things. poles apart. Sigh.

*So yeah, life’s been okay – from the dumps of late nights at work, to the absolutely high from alcohol and good times with friends.

I’m not complaining. I guess.

Hong Kong Diaries - Part I

2007-01-30T17:05:00.000+08:00

The magic that is Disney...

China Diaries - Part I

2007-01-29T23:04:00.000+08:00

I type this from my hotel bed, on my second night in China. The room does not have wireless and the broadband cable is on the desk – thus this post will be published much later.

2 days in China and I’m loving it. I’m in Guangzhou, which isn’t as modernized or commercial as Shanghai, or as historical and preserved as Beijing, but it’s a mélange of the two.

The weather - pleasantly cool at 11-14 degrees, but the wind makes your teeth chatter as you walk along the roads after dark. I am envious of them Chinese women, in their over coats and their boots, but I don’t find it essential, as it is really not THAT cold after all! A thin couple of layers of clothes serve me just fine, and once indoors, it’s rather warm. It’s a welcome change from the monotony of gray days and rain in Singapore lately!

The city has an uncanny resemblance to Delhi, and if it wasn’t for the signboards that are in Chinese (of course), and the oriental faces, one could look around and think they were in Delhi. High rise buildings and crumbling old apartments, flyovers, and slum-like housing, neon-lighted malls, and small shops – its got everything. Guangzhou isn’t much of a tourist destination, but it is a booming city with several MNC’s. Cab’s are reasonable, food is cheap, shopping isn’t extraordinary, but one can find souvenirs, and the people are friendly. I am surprised by their command of English – and feel less mute than I thought I would be. The 8 of us walked up and down Beijing Lu this evening and found everything – men trying to sell us imitation goods, nike outlets, McDonalds every 300m, Espirit, and trinket shops. We’ve been trying local cuisine and have had good luck so far! The tea lover in me woke up yesterday when I decided to just try the complimentary infusion offered with my meal. It was a herbal/floral infusion and the delicate aroma, and subtle but refreshing flavor was all I needed to refresh me from a long day! I have never loved Chinese tea more!

Something unusual – while walking along Beijing Lu, shopping, chatting and clicking photos, we saw a man run past us – followed closely by two policemen who were trying to chase him down. While the 8 of us were shocked, the remaining crowd seemed to carry on like nothing out of the ordinary had happened! Oh, btw, no one seemed to stop and help the police chase that guy either.

***

This is where I stopped typing and fell asleep, I think! ;)
So much to say, but have to catch up on work first; More updates abt the rest of the days in China and HK coming up later!

Places you fear

2007-01-18T23:41:00.000+08:00

How do you overcome something? A fear, a bias, an insecurity, a history –

Do you not look its away?

Or tiptoe around it and then sprint as fast as you can to get away from it?

Put it all in a shoe box, seal it with tape, and toss it at the back of the closet, so you won’t stumble upon it till spring cleaning?

Or look it straight in the eye, shudder inside, but keep a straight face, till it slowly becomes insignificant.

Honesty

2007-01-17T23:58:00.000+08:00

I started my day with a memory – not a pleasant one, unfortunately. It’s that weird memory that appears out of nowhere, kicks you in the gut, and trots along as if nothing happened. As you go about the day, it fades away, but it leaves a bad after taste, which you can’t help but be aware of during every free second that you get. You can just hope that you can shake it off with a good night’s sleep.

While I tried to push this memory back, spent the day in these parts :

The sad part: Starving - Going to Lunch at the sushi place - Trying out something new rather than your usual - finding it absolutely disgusting and inedible. Compensating with a Tall Hazelnut latte.

The bimbotic part: painting toes - finally.

The kick – ass part: Remembering someone's birthday - calling their place - finding out they're travelling - getting a number where they can be reached at - hearing the happiness in their voice upon hearing from you when they least expect you - singing Happy Birthday - being missed - missing.

The blood-pressure raising part: finding out that not all the papers for China visa as in place - having a few hours to get them - including an invitation from someone in China - cursing and muttering incessantly - finally managing to send them in with 10 mins to spare - remembering to breathe.

The intelligent part: going through work with boss - having answers to all his questions - getting a good review.

The heart-warming part: hearing from an old friend - being called one of your many high school nicknames.

The guarded part: Writing about the abovementioned memory - and then deleting it, cuz otherwise it’d be revealing too much - to too many people - who's see right through it

The lame part : The mind turning blank within minutes of starting to write.

I should just not bother. This is crap.

I'm leaving your town again

2007-01-15T23:30:00.000+08:00

Its been quite a week…and weekend … and the Monday

- 3 of my closest friends were born within 4 days! Plenty of birthday parties and socializing!

- The boss insisted that the first weekend after work starts must be spent partying. So invites were sent, and a whole group of colleagues went bar hopping at The Cannery. Champagne flowed very fashionably at The Fashion Bar – a pretty classy place, followed by stop overs at 3 other bars! Unfortunately, the music sucked, thus, no dancing!

- Salsa Intermediate has begun! And the turns, the spins, the music – ahhhh, we like muchly. “Muchly” is my new favorite term, coined by one of my favorite ppl ever!

- The Clapton concert was amazing, to say the least. It is breathtaking, the things that man can do with his guitar. As expected, he did not play Tears In Heaven, but he did play Wonderful Tonight, and I swear, I was in another world. N it takes a lot to get me that mushy! I still go sighhhh as I think of it. Sighhh

- Checked out the boys new house – and now we have a new place to party, have poker night, order pizza, and hang out till daybreak!

- The Little Devil’s birthday was fun fun with the girlies all dressed up and posing non stop for le camera! Ahhh, how vain we are!

- After the excessive fashion, partying, alcohol, socializing, cake, music, chilling, shopping, and kick – ass weekend, I definitely didn’t deserve this Monday. 12 hrs of non stop working on the same damn thing, I kid you not. This has resulted in crazy mood swings, borderline snappy emails, and far too much cursing.

- The clothes for tomorrow are yet to be ironed, dishes from the crappy dinner are still in the sink, and if the phone rings again, with someone from the team, telling me another something that to be dealt with, I swear to god, the phone or the laptop goes out of the window! *breathe in, breathe out* okay, maybe not.

- In other news, I have tickets to China & Hong Kong, hotel bookings for China, and absolutely no plans for HK. This means I don’t know who else is coming with me, I don’t have a hotel, and my best friend who used to live there, has moved to Scotland. She’s provided her best advice via MSN – places to shop at and places to eat at. She knows me well! But considering the trip’s happening in less than a week’s time, I should start worrying just a wee bit!

- I’m so excited, I can’t wait!

"I'm leaving your town again" from Plane, by Jason Mraz

Hush Hush

2007-01-03T16:02:00.000+08:00

Our veiled conversations don’t upset me anymore. Neither does their lack of.
What does, however, are the conversations we have in our own heads, with each other, but never out loud.

Only Superstition

2007-01-02T22:46:00.000+08:00

The New Year has been kick started in the best of ways!

The eve was spent cooking (yes, I repeat, cooking) Thai dinner with close friends, and savoring every bit of it. Next stop was the apartment 9 floors above ours – that of a friend’s, where we had planned the new years party. A house party on such occasions is the best - it prevents us from spending a majority of the evening in queues! I loved it all the more because when tired, all I had to do was get in the elevator and hit my floor – and tadaa! I’m home! Plenty of alcohol, music, flirting, dancing, and picture taking – not too bad a way to spend the new years eve I’d say! A private view of the fireworks from the balcony was the icing on the cake! The night stretched into the early hours of the day before I finally hit the elevator to go home! Needless to say, much of the first day of the year was spent in bed! But I woke up with a skip in my step – since my hair and I were smoke-smell free, and hangover free, respectively! The day ended on a good note, after a very pleasant date! *wink*

Day 2 has been just as great, if not better! (Although I had to get up as early as 930 am!) The Little Devil (LD) had asked us all out for ice skating, and so by 11 am, I was lacing up my skates and entering the rink after ages! (I’ve only been ice skating once before I my life) I am proud to announce that I fell only once, and at the end of the two hour session, I was not-so-gracefully skating across the rink without holding on to anything! We came out of the rink with huge grins, sore toes, and perhaps bruises that we’ll discover tomorrow! But the feeling of having taught yourself something, and falling, and picking up again, is amazing enough to compensate for the aching bums! Caught up with the girls about their India trip over lunch, and heard of the million and one fiascos that they’re responsible for.

I’m not superstitious, but I’d like to think that if the year started off so well, it’ll continue to be this great! Full of resolutions, promises, and over-ambitious plans, I look forward to the next 363 days as they unfold!

Cheers and a Happy New Year to all!

Where I spent the day after X-mas

2006-12-29T13:22:00.000+08:00

...trying to leave footsteps behind...

...n watching them get washed away...

...sinking...

...reaching out....

...n planning my next trip...

Nice and Slow

2006-12-28T22:35:00.000+08:00

*Post from Dec 25th, 2006*

Its 11 pm and I’m watching corny Hindi movies in my pajamas, with my ever expanding ass parked comfortably on a big, warm couch. Before that, I was painting my toes a deep brown, matching the couch on which was posterior was slowly sinking in. Prior to that, the feet were soaked in warm water, and the ass was on the same old couch.

Judging from the number of times I mention the words couch and ass in the previous few sentences, one can guess how I’m spending these 5 days at home! *winkie*

Now this is life!

The uncomfortable topic has been opened and closed with the mom. Thankfully, she’s very understanding, and read the “I don’t wanna talk about it “expression on my face. She didn’t push further. I guess I wanted to get the talk over with, so that it wouldn’t loom over my head into the next year! checked off the list!

Sometimes, I wonder. If I want to live it easy, or tough. If I want it all, or just make do with what I have? If I want it all planned out, or take it as it comes?

Planning’s good because then you have a goal, a vision of where you are going, and what you’re working towards. The problem, however, is the frustration that comes every time something doesn’t go according to plan. And that always happens.

If I don’t have a plan, then the feeling of not knowing where it’s all going, and having no drive and passion, is unnerving.

A balance of the two is something one can spend their entire life trying to achieve.

Sigh – what’s a girl to do. Especially when she always thought that the concept of balance and equilibrium was always over rated anyways!

Silent Night...

2006-12-28T22:31:00.000+08:00

Friday, Dec 22^nd, 2006

*Posted typed at the airport / in flight / *

I’m about to take off to Bangkok in a matter of minutes, and the usual excitement of scheming for shopping and going out, has been replaced by the sense of relief at the thought of sleeping long hours, eating healthy, home food, and doing nothing. I think I’m aging at an exponential rate, because one does not spend the festive season in Thailand sleeping!!! I’m such a disgrace to the country this season!

Another year comes to an end and I don’t think it makes me feel any different. It was, however, a year that marked several milestones for me and the family. I completed the thesis, and graduated from the godforsaken engineering course! I bagged a kick ass job (I’m not gloating, I’m calling it kick ass cuz I love it), moved out to a house, and entered the working world. The little one graduated from high school and moved to the other side of the world to pursue higher education.

With 2006 came a new stage of life – one with more certainties, and bigger decisions, longer hours, and uncompromised independence. The perks: renewed confidence and greater challenges. Grown – uppyness ( self created word! ), being single, more partying, and thus higher consumption of alcohol! The costs: The carefree nature of a uni student, and a relationship. As they say, you win some, you lose some.

I’d be extremely cynical if I said that I lost more than I gained this year. I’d be annoyingly positive if I said that I gained more. Today, I chose the latter, because when I look back, I find far more things to smile about and be thankful for, then those to cry over. And thankfully, not much to regret.

Ever since I learnt (a little late, but still, better than never ) that one has to be responsible for their own happiness, I refuse to dwell over the lows, and instead, grin silly over the highs. The slumps will only be remembered by the precious lessons learnt from them, and the tear ducts that have run dry, will not be refilled.

Because, shit happens, and it’s really not worth keeping score of. Smiles, however, make great pictures and even get u free drinks! *wink wink*

I’d say goodbye to this year, with a very satisfied smile, thinking of and being thankful for the great family, the kick ass job, and pricesless friends!

God Bless, and Happy Holidays to All!

Someday you'll know

2006-12-21T11:51:00.000+08:00

A phoenix rises from its ashes. Us Leos are similar.

I, rise from my tears .

The great thing about being a Leo is the giant sized ego that comes as a package deal – thus making sure that even from the lowest of lows, they bounce right back, like the "Hit – Me" dolls. That’s because they don’t like self – pity, and loathe those who dare to be sympathetic, after hurting them.

So my words of wisdom to those who mistakingly think that their actions will change my life, are : "Get - Over - Yourself".

In.your.face!

Friends, we love. Friends, we’ll go whining to when it gets that low, make imaginary voodoo dolls with, bitch, and cry, and accept that supporting shoulder. But self-righteous people who hurt and then try to offer pity/help/care to heal – a big thanks but no thanks. We appreciate the intentions; allow me now, to show you the door.

It’s a matter of pride. It’s a Leo thing.

*a-n-y-h-o-o* so that’s that.

Mid – week margaritas are yumm! Add some sinful, cheese smothered nachos, great company, and endless bitching, and you have the perfect recipe to spend a rainy Tuesday evening, especially if the skies haven’t stopped leaking for almost 2 days!

Don’t get me wrong, I like the rain. I love the rain. But only when I can enjoy watching it from my bed, looking out of the window – not when I have to walk through it, get my new shoes wet, declare the umbrella to be utterly useless, stand in the longest queues for taxis, and sit in buses with leaking roofs. Ugh and double Ugh!

N what’s with the whole world getting married! It’s the new in thing?? All that anyone could talk about back in India was – who’s getting married next, who should hook up with who, and why I and others my age should start thinking about it right away! As happy as I am for the newly wed couple, I so don’t wanna be in their shoes anytime soon.

Actually, make that never. No, not saying I don’t wanna get married. I just don’t think I can do with a week of ceremonies, being on mute, listening to everyone, pasting a smile on your face, and not enjoying your own wedding. While all the guests seemed to have an awesome time, the poor bride and the groom just looked dead tired, and borderline irritated at the camera flashes, and never ending ceremonies. This opinion was expressed to the wedding-struck mother, and was received rather well. It’s a relief knowing that we both don’t this for me. Everything else was conveniently left hanging in mid-air. (else = when do u want to get married, to who, what are your plans, etc. etc. )

Someday mom, someday, sometime, somewhere, someone! Now THAT, is a plan!

With or Without you

2006-12-06T00:35:00.000+08:00

You’d be surprised to find out the things you can do without. And those that you cannot.

100 Tears away

2006-11-30T00:01:00.000+08:00

Some losses are worth enough, that it’s okay to cry over them, time and again. I like to think it’s honoring them, showing respect, towards something that was yours, and is unfortunately no more.

Coincidently, two random sitcoms mentioned the 5 stages of grief. You know the jargon : Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

Denied, and stood strong.

Yelled and screamed.

Bargained. Perhaps.

Depression. Not sure if this is over, or yet to come.

Acceptance. Definitely not there yet.

This.is.scary.

I was really hoping this was some mushy jargon for the TV. Please tell me I'm just tired and thinking too much - and this stuff is only true for sitcoms.

I'd hate to accept. Because then there'd be another stage. Defeat.

Where we gonna go from here?

2006-11-27T17:44:00.000+08:00

I’m bored at the office – 3 out of 5 ppl in my team are away, and the new cute guy isn’t in today. The weather’s gloomy, perfect setting for a Monday – to nap in. I figure I’d be discovered immediately if I tried to nap in a huddle room, so I’m typing away and singing along with Pandora (in my head)

I’ve been considering spending the over-hyped, over-rated, and extremely boring new years at home this time. The options are I could spend half the evening standing in queues in Singapore – restaurants, clubs, loos, taxi stands, or I could be at home, at a simple party with the family friends. Singapore – hassle + booze. Home – no hassles + no booze + very good food. I’m stumped. And then there’s the question of whether to go home for X-mas (4 days), New years (5 days) or for the whole stretch and manage a 10 day break. Stumped yet again.

A sexy little ixus has been purchased with my name on it. It’s cute, small, fits the purse, and takes great pictures! My very sweet boss, upon hearing that I intended to buy a camera, offered to pick it up for me from Hong Kong, on his biz trip, and got me a great deal. Lower price plus a 2 GB memory card! Now I can’t wait for him to get back!

The little one just messaged to tell me that he’s going to Toronto for the x-mas break – that lucky brat. He’s also getting an ipod for x-mas, because he’s doing very well at uni, and his sister feels awful that he’s away from home this holiday season. Did I mention, he’s a lucky brat! ;)

I realize that I’m left with only 1 weekend to go to India and I haven’t done any presents shopping. And I am spending half of my next weekend taking part in an Amazing Race, which is to raise funds for a comm. service project the girls are involved in. The Little Devil and Tipsy will rough it out in Calcutta for 3 weeks – spending time educating, and doing projects with the less fortunate children. I couldn’t be more proud to have friends, with the biggest hearts. A big cheers to the girls, and this project.

Travel agent’s are irritating – they ask a gazillion questions and then find me no bookings. So I’m taking matters in my own hands - off to book my tickets, and day dream about India and then home!

1000 miles

2006-11-24T19:07:00.000+08:00

No point in tugging at, evaluating, justifying, and wondering about something - which wasn't there to begin with. And if you do, like I did, and feel like a fool, then, hon, you deserved it. You were being stupid, so why blame anyone else.

One of the most thrown around phrases is to "move on." It is also one of the most ambiguous terms, and could mean differnet things to different people.

One could have moved on from one relationship, or could have moved on from the whole concept of relationships. From having a pampered life where everything was paid for, everything was taken care of. Or from having a materialistic life altogether. From a major event in life. Or, from the time frame when it happened. Kept walking with time, till the distance between it and you increased.

So when they talk about moving on, how do you know if you have or not? Are you merely measuring how far you have come from the issue, and have thus moved on? Or if you have made peace with it and laid it to rest?

I miss sitting by the ocean - rising tides somehow sooth inner turmoils. Especially when you can feel something brewing inside, but it's too soon to know how big and destructive it could be. Better put it to sleep with the sea's lullaby.

X-mas shall be spent by the beach.

Fragmented, unclear posts - seems to be a pattern here. Gee, I wonder what it means.

Free Falling

2006-11-20T23:48:00.000+08:00

Free – falls.

I want to fall free. Sans inhibitions. Sans safety supports. Sans back ups. Sans control.

I remember 5 years ago – at a hilly country club in Thailand. Riding mountain bikes up a killer slope. Just to ride it back down – without holding the handle bars. Leaning back. Wind on our faces. Hands spread out. Feet off the pedals. No safety wheels. No control. Free fall.

One rock, that’s all it would take to make the bike go out of control and skid down the slope along with the biker. But this was overridden by the pure bliss and high that one felt while coming down.

I want to ride a bike down a steep slope, and let go of the handle bars. Again. I want to feel that high. Again.

Such memories and more, from too long a time ago, make me sift through the recent ones, to find one in which, I -

Saw the rainbow colors in soap bubbles.

Lost track of time while talking on the phone.

Ran around in the rain. Basked in the sun. Made ice – cold lemonade on a hot afternoon. Realized that there are seasons – see them come. Wave them good bye.

Went on a long walk and lost my bearings.

Tried to bake brownies.

Fell asleep reading, with the lights on.

Snuck something. Anything. From anyone.

Had a crush. A real one – with the butterflies and the blushing and the nick names.

Hurt myself – in a way that required a band – aid to heal. Only.

Gazed at the stars.

Cried over a book. A song.

Hugged, and forgot to let go.

. and I find none.

I’m baffled by my loss. Because I know they exist. Somewhere in the yellowing pages of the ream, which I locked away, to keep safe.

I’m bothered. Because I didn’t realize that behind those unbreakable locks, I left a part, that was me.

I’m restless because I see them from far, but don’t know where I’ve put the key.

Bigger, Stronger

2006-11-17T00:09:00.000+08:00

I spoke to someone today who is about to get married, and who was suffering from pre-nuptial anxiety attacks. About sharing a large part of your life with someone else. And I, had to calm this person down and highlight the merits of marriage and togetherness. The said person and I had just recently concluded that I am indeed afraid of commitments. We couldn’t help laughing at the fact that I, someone who can’t even commit to a tattoo because it is “too permanent” would calm someone’s nerves and convince them that getting married would be the best thing that’s happened to them.

Later, this person remarked that “Maybe you are only afraid on the surface, but deep inside, you believe in marriage, and commitment, that’s why you could convince me.” To which, I very confidently said, “I am a very persuasive person. This is nothing personal. Now, go do something useful! ”

On a totally disconnected note,

Is it true, what they say? Time does heal most things.

All – I wouldn’t agree. But most, yes.

Or maybe it doesn’t heal them, but makes us stronger, to confront the past, and, sometimes, even the future.

eyes wide open

2006-11-09T00:43:00.000+08:00

She dreams about the

*blue skies and yellow flowers. A swing. A fence. Hot afternoons and the ice cream man. Jogs in the park. Dining in the moonlight. Fresh. Simple.

*the patio. By the beach. Waking up and hearing the waves. Reading. Watching. Walking.

*early mornings and coffee on the go. Power lunches. Demands. Results.

*breakfast in bed. Stolen moments. Being loved.

*boots . footprints in the snow. The fireplace. The smell of cinnamon.

*leaves that change color. Of flowers that bloom. For seasons that change.

*promises that were made. Things that were said.

*lives that we weaved. And undid.

*vacations planned. and emptied.

*meals to be cooked. Birthdays to be planned. apartments to be shared. Arguments to be resolved.

*drives that lead nowhere, and yet far away.

*days

*when she still used to dream.

Two Weeks. In Key Words.

2006-11-08T00:55:00.000+08:00

So things have slowed down a bit. Diwali is over. Off – site is over. And Global visit is over. I can finally catch my breath. The remaining 3 days are packed 9-6 with meetings but it’s okay. The worst is over. I still have a job!

the weekend at home was great. As usual, too short. But great nonetheless.

The off site was a huge success. I’d organized a Halloween dinner which kicked major ass. I was very appropriately dressed as a devil! The second night was spent dining in style at Sirocco, located high up on the 64^th floor, with even higher prices. Totally worth it. Partying at Bed Supper Club was a mandatory touristy activity and we did due diligence. Day 3 was a sticky one – wanted to come back early to settle work but couldn’t pre-pone the flight. The day was well spent however, shopping, and meeting a friend for lunch. At Siam Paragon. Day 1 had a half spa treatment – foot massage, reflexology, and pedicure! For an unbelievable price. A large part of day 2 was spent at the spa, to escape the afternoon heat, which was phenomenal. So looks like I covered everything that was on the Bangkok list.

Being back was a nightmare, because the following week, i.e. this week, is packed with meetings and the global guests visit. Thankfully, the visit went fine and I have successfully done my first senior management presentation. *yay*

The guests have been entertained well and are on their way back tomorrow. Meetings will be taken care of tomorrow, and the work computer is not to be switched on tonight!

After what seems like a sabbatical, I’ve been on a movie binge. In the past 2 weeks I have seen Devil Wears Prada, The Break Up, Friends with Money, Man of the Year, Don, Prestige, The Good Year & The guardian. Prestige was twisted. Good year – sweet. Not life changing. The guardian – freezing. Devil – entertaining. Don – sleep – inducing. The rest – worth watching on 2X.

Speaking of which, life seems to be running at 2x lately. Everything’s moving fast, and I’m loving every bit of it. The most stressful time at work is over, and after this week, I’ll have more breathing space – which I’m looking forward to. Tickets for India have been booked. Plans to meet up with cousins in progress – and yes, I know a 6-day trip is too short!

New plans in the pipeline are a business trip to china – which would lead to a vacation either in Beijing or Hong Kong. A trip to the US later in the year, which would then lead to a flight up to Canada to see the little one, or visit friends and travel in the States. Hoping to squeeze another site visit on the way. The business trips are confirmed. The vacation plans are in the air. But I’m excited anyways!

Its bedtime – because this entire week is 9am or earlier, which sucks! Team dinner tonight. Company dinner tomorrow. Celebration dinner Friday. How am I expected to fit in my clothes?

Milk & Toast

2006-10-17T01:05:00.000+08:00

***Post from Sunday Night***

I love little quirks in people – the small yet strange things that people do, for no particular reason, and are usually unique to particular individuals. I find them rather endearing and cute! For example, my dad has to comb his hair before going to bed. It’s another thing that he doesn’t have much of it left! Rosty can’t stand if it someone takes a bite from his burger and ruins its symmetry. Yes, the burger has to be eaten symmetrically – only God knows how! I absolutely hate it if someone squeezes the toothpaste out of the tube from the middle, leaving a huge dent in it! I mean how difficult is it – squeeze from the bottom!!! *okay, you get the idea* - so like I was saying, quirks are endearing. End of random thought.

Yet another Sunday night, full of determination and plans to 1. Wake up early; 2. Get to work on time; 3. Find the ten minutes in the morning to do yoga; 4. Be efficient on a Monday morning, refrain from whining/lamenting/procrastinating/bumming; 5. Stay focused; 6. Attain work-life balance. Blah blah blah

I just spoke to someone who’s been trying to attain work life balance for over 2 years now – and who’s in the same company. Looks like I have a long way to go…

The weekend’s been fun – too short, as always, but fun! Friday night was spent eating out, hanging out, and playing cards till the wee hours of the morning! Consequently, the Saturday started late in the afternoon, and was spent doing nothing fruitful! Not even laundry! The entire afternoon was spent lazing and chatting with one of the housemate’s friends who was visiting, and was leaving that day. After that, lazed more and watched an extremely dumb movie on DVD – My Super Ex-Girlfriend, or something along those lines. Not even worth the while on DVD! Gorged on Mexican food since I had the strongest craving for it, topped it up with some tequila, and called it a night! I’m getting too old, the nights are ending too early! I did however, flick a copy of The Tipping Point from Rosty’s office, and it’s a good read. Today I got up and in a burst of energy, cleaned the room, did laundry, and made a list of things to do. Then I got exhausted and had a long lunch with Blurry. During this long lunch, I was somehow convinced that I shouldn’t work on a Sunday and so headed out to Vivo City~ it’s a 10 minute ride from my place, and it actually feels like a mall! (I never enjoyed the malls in Singapore as much as the ones in Bkk! ) Watched The Departed, and loved it! Ohhhhhhh, it was twisted! A little too gory for my palette, but still worth the watch! Got home right after and out of guilt, did some work! *some* being the operative word here!

Now I should be ironing clothes for tomorrow morning, but I’m gonna read instead and eventually fall asleep! And wake up tomorrow morning, rush and curse myself for not ironing the night before. I’m used to it, thought. Some people just never learn!

Do you only wanna dance?

2006-10-11T00:26:00.001+08:00

So I didn’t reward myself with the promised latte – even if I finished all the work before dropping dead asleep! I’m saving it for when I desperately need it. I woke up in a total daze – walking about the house, doing things out of habit, without being consciously aware of what they were and why.

It’s been a long day – and I’m too exhausted to do anything! Salsa was awesome, the high point of the week. The music, the energy & the freedom – one can’t wish for more, after a stress-packed day that robs your spirit otherwise. By the time I get home, every muscle in my body is sore – but I return with a huge smile on my face. A tired, but content one. Life feels a little less empty, and a lot more colorful with just one dance class.

Otherwise, I am a bit disillusioned. No wait, deranged. Okay, maybe just overwhelmed.

Whatever it is, I’m not going to figure out right now. I’m going to let this tired soul sleep – and kick some ass tomorrow!

Five is a four letter word

2006-10-09T23:56:00.000+08:00

I’m extremely homesick suddenly. I don’t know why. My folks called, and I was preoccupied with work, so I hmm’d and uh huh’d during the entire conversation. 10 minutes later, I called them back and told them that I’m coming home for diwali. Alone in this place for 4 days, while my housemates are way, would turn me into a craze-ball. I do have to catch up on work though – but it can be carried home. It’ll give both them, and me, a reason to play with fireworks.

I never thought I was the type who’d miss festivals and vacations with the family, but the thought of the first big festival, when the family is split in 3 different parts of the world, makes my eyes well up. Either I’m turning into a softie or something’s seriously wrong with my hormones!

Its 11pm and I have no motivation to finish off the last bits of work before crashing! Which is probably why I’m writing this post instead!

It’s thanksgiving in Canada. Just a random fact.

My double wish list for Bangkok is taking shape; double because part I with the mother, and part II, without! Christmas shall come early this year! Or just a late birthday present to myself. Presents(s). Either way.

Plans for India are supposed to be taking shape, but I’ve been too busy to enquire about tickets. *reminder to self : book ticket!!!!* I can’t wait! I have to pack 3 years worth of catching up with a dozen people in 7 days. And cover 3-4 cities. AND attend a wedding that I’ve been waiting for, forever. AND call the remaining gazillion people I won’t get to meet. AND spend time with gramma. AND befriend the new additions to the family – kids, and the newly weds!

It’s good to have so much to look forward to!

Ahh I need motivation to finish the little things left!

Reward: grande hazelnut latte & blueberry muffin – guilt-free!

Snow on the Sahara

2006-10-07T14:06:00.000+08:00

*Post written on Thursday night*

-----------------------------------------

I’m going to Bangkok at the end of the month! For a whole of 6 days, and I can’t wait!

Not because I get to go home, but also because I get to stay downtown, without family, and experience the city like a tourist! Why the big deal – because although I spent a major part of my life in Thailand, I was living with family, AND I was a high school kid, so age limit, parents, yadi yadi ya! But this time, it’ll be different. I’m going on a company off-site, but I’m flying in early, so that I can spend the weekend with my parents, and then spend the week with the team at a luxurious hotel, spoil myself silly with shopping, spas, partying, and have no curfews and no one to answer to! Yeh, I know I can do it here in Singapore too – but I’ve always wanted to check out Bangkok like a tourist. N I have a head start, since I’ve already seen the monuments, museums, and other touristy places, I can focus all my energy on shopping, eating, partying, massages, spas, and the like! *yay* I know I can use a holiday by the end of the month, thanks to the ever increasing work load!

Life seems to be in a good place, today. *touch wood* Hope I don’t jinx anything! Tomorrow’s Friday and I am booked all day at a new hire session – which means that a break from regular work! A deadline’s been extended due to this session, and I couldn’t have asked for more!

Sometimes, on good days, I do think that I’ve gotten lucky with most things! Not all, mind you, but most! It’s a good feeling – knowing that I have so much to be grateful for. I think it’s moments like these that replenish my tolerance and the ability to bite it down, when I’m about to lose it! *content smile*

I miss RIS friends today. Think its the talk of the upcoming trip!

The memories that never fail to make me smile. Time, work and distance have come in the way in keeping in touch with everyone – but they haven’t taken away the years I so fondly remember.

Why don't you slide?

2006-10-03T11:31:00.000+08:00

I'm a Leo with a big ego, that doesn't allow me to admit my fears, insecurities, and troubles. Even on a semi – anonymous blog.

***Confession number 1***

(It's a start)

Living alone is not easy. *confession no. 2* - more on this later.

Im on a roll today!

I hate being judged. I've always been too sensitive for my own good – easily hurt by words, and judgments, even by those who don't matter much. Sometimes, you learn the hard way, and I guess I have. Countless hours and tears were wasted when they could've been spent on more worthwhile things. Staying optimistic though, at least I can say that it's helped me cultivate a sort of independence that will come in handy for the next few decades in my life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that most of us have grown up and become so engaged in keeping it together day after day, that we find little time to gossip and/or judge others. Which is great, no DUH? When I say we, I refer to the circle of close friends and people who matter. At the same time, we have also become more self assured and can't give a damn about what the others say, because we know that no one else is qualified enough to pass a verdict on the condition of our hearts, our actions, and our characters.

Then there are the people I wonder about, and almost feel sorry for. Those who lead a life so empty, that they have both the time and the energy, to scrutinize others' life, and make sweeping statements about it. Of course, I have no way of knowing that their lives are empty! Perhaps, they're really good at time management and can juggle their hours well, or perhaps their priorities are different. Either way, who am I to judge? *snickers*

So I sound a little condescending! So?

To put it in simple words – I am angry.
I had a little menagerie – assorted, sparse, but carefully selected.
I never prevented anyone from partaking in the joys it brought. I was naïve enough to open every one of these delicately wrapped pieces, and let them be seen. In the folds, at least they were protected – sealed fore safety. How was I to shield them, once opened? Why didn't I think? Who was going to, if not me? They were mine, after all.

I am angry because some of these handpicked pieces of life – have been reduced to shards that I cannot identify.

the unspoken ones

2006-09-27T09:24:00.000+08:00

Come to a stand-still, please.

They paved paradise and put up a parking lot

2006-09-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

There are some clichés that I like to believe…such as time heals every wound, and que sera sera. I guess when you have nothing else that can reconcile the conflicts within you, and the cynicism just aggravates the hurt further, these time - honored clichés do provide a sense of comfort, hope, if you will.

Sometimes, I wonder if things are moving too fast, or too slow. Am I planning too far ahead – or not enough? Should I be prepared for the worst or take it as it comes? How do you know when to stop?

Stop working; thinking; asking; giving; expecting; wanting; believing; wishing; understanding; denying; accepting; tolerating; escaping; running; waiting; questioning; searching; answering.

When do you let go of the reins and play it by the ear? When do you let go of the reins and stand up to feel the wind against your face?

I wonder, I do.

Beneath the Wheel - Chapter 5

2006-09-18T01:07:00.000+08:00

"When a tree is polled, it will sprout new shoots near its roots. A soul that is ruined in the bud will frequently return to the springtime of its beginnings and its promise-filled childhood, as though it could discover new hopes there and retie the broken threads of life. The shoots grow rapidly and eagerly, but it is only a sham life that will never be a genuine tree." - Beneath the Wheel, Herman Hesse.

Don't know how to describe how this makes me feel. Glad that someone put it down in words so well, or sad, that it's so true.

When you're swimming with your boots on...

2006-09-14T13:40:00.000+08:00

It’s not easy to love a job when it sees you up till 1 am working, talking to people on the other side of the globe, spending 3 hrs AFTER leaving office, on the phone, ABOUT work, and haunts you in your dreams too. But I love it anyway. So that was NOT me complaining. So that’s how the week has been so far, and its not over. Tonight another couple of hrs on the phone. Why does the Earth have to be round with daylight on one half and night on the other!

Other than work, nothing much’s been up. The weekend promises to keep me out yet again, with birthdays and other plans committed to last week! I think the world needs a paradigm shift, with 8 day weeks, and 3 day weekends : 2 for socializing and other chores, and one extra for yourself, your things and sleeping!

Lunch has been uneventful, except for the old man in the elevator who wouldn’t stop checking himself out in the mirror, abs, ass n all, and hiding his balding head beneath immaculately combed hair. ‘Fess up, we all do it, but a little discreetly, unless we are the only ones in. But this was far too obvious for me to hide my amused expression, and as far as I could tell, the three other people in the elevator and I, were not invisible.

I’m generally in high spirits, relative to the past two days…for no particular reason. Perhaps its because of the contents of the little bag on my desk ..containing treasures of tropical candy, choc filled marshmallows, éclairs, mints, tic tacs, etc! *sheepish grin* Come on, 10 – 12 hrs sitting in one seat, one needs high amounts of sugar in their blood stream! At least I do! More so than caffeine.

Anyways, I better get back to it…so I can get outta here before its dark outside, just to remember what the world looks like in the evening.

*pops those mints n gets busy*

Like you're a problem girl

2006-09-06T17:55:00.000+08:00

I’m back after a holiday that was far too short and leaves much to be desired. Sleep was abundant, shopping was minimal (not by choice), and socializing was completely neglected. Had one of those rare moments when the phone was ringing and I let it…without answering it. The feeling of being disconnected was limiting at first, and then liberating. All in all, a good break at home that ended too soon.

The little one leaves for college in a few days, a long 32 hr journey ahead of him. *shudders* Oh well! Now I can start planning my vacation to the other side of the world and save for it! Resolution no. 15437, one of the many that I make every time, on the flight back from home, and promise to myself that this time I’m gonna pull it together. These resolutions range from sleeping on time, to eating healthy, to taking up that postponed salsa class, to stop biting my nails. The last one seems almost impossible! I’ve tried everything. Any suggestions?

I was only gone a day, but judging from the work that’s piled up, it seems like I have a lifetime’s worth to catch up. Okay, this was the last of me complaining, I promise. Resolution no. 15438. *giggles*

I have managed to keep up with some of my resolutions – I did wake up early, I did take the bus to work (as opposed to the cab) and I did eat healthy and early. Or at least, relatively. I’m proud. Tomorrow I’ll try to find the 10 mins in the morning for the few yoga exercises that my mom’s been trying to make me do forever. I know I should, but tell my sleepy self that. I must say that my sleepy self is extremely cranky and unreasonable during the wee hours in the morning. I plead innocence!

Its middle of the week and I don’t feel like working at all! n it is a Wednesday night after all! *resist temptation; must work to come to work tomorrow on time, must take bus, must not be hungover*

I love my team at work! Its small, which means I can get everyone nice souveniers and still not be broke! ;) Picked up some cute aromatherapy thingis with gels, carved candles, incense and the like...!

Tonight I shall sleep early…this incessant yawning at work reflects poorly! Pandora is misbehaving; playing very distasteful music! N I am wasting too much time skipping songs! Highly inefficient at this hour…and not looking fwd to the string of meetings in the next few hours. Sigh and Sigh.

The mom has asked some questions that I cannot answer. I remember saying “Ma, you don’t get it;” I understand her questions, but I don’t think she understands my answers. It went well though…surprisingly no arguments. She did say that she might not understand it all, I live in a different world, far from what her world as a young lady was. I’m glad that she’s left it up to me to handle it though.

I need a night out with the ladies. Fine, the men can come too! Margaritas, music, the right people and the right high.

Even a slight hangover won’t hurt. Slight. *ahem ahem*

When I grow up...

2006-08-10T00:26:00.000+08:00

Its Rakshabandhan today, and I’m terribly homesick. I am becoming more and more homesick these past few days, which is very unlike me. I guess it has something to do with the little bro going to college. Its sinking in slowly that he’s going far far away, and I’m getting busier by the day, and it’ll be hard for the family to be together as often. Sigh. Now I know what mom means when she looks at me, almost astonished, and says when did you grow up? Mom, when did he grow up?

I wish I’d been home today; I’d have liked to tie him a rakhi and extort lots of money in return! Sigh! Growing up’s a bitch sometimes.

The only consolation at the moment is that I get to fly home one of these weekends to see him before he’s off! When I left home, the room was redone, furniture was shuffled and shelves and closets were moved, and he took it over. Now when he leaves, what happens? Mom wonders what she’s gonna do in an empty house. It’s not like he is always around when he’s living there. Guys in their teens, you know how they are. But still, atleast he was there, behind that door, somewhere beyond that noise called music. She wonders, I try not to think.

In other news, work’s keeping me so busy that I have to check what’s happening on the Friday and the following Monday before I can book my tickets home. But I’m not complaining – its been exciting and rewarding so far! Besides, it gives direction and takes up so much time, that I don’t end up getting entangled in other issues! Perhaps not the best approach at resolving issues, but at least it works – for me atleast!

Living in your letters

2006-07-30T23:53:00.000+08:00

I miss the days when we wrote letters.

I used to love writing letters, with pretty stationary, scented and glittery pens, and stickers to seal the envelopes. My letters were always very secret, and although they didn’t contain any actual secrets, I never let anyone read what I was writing, and to who. I’d sit alone, and painstakingly write long paragraphs, about everything and anything, paying particular attention to the handwriting – either cursive, or small caps, not a mix, like my class notes were often in. Winter vacation was the best time for letter – writing; sitting in the balcony, enjoying the sun and making/ writing x-mas/new year cards. That was, however, 12 years ago.

Now, I don’t even open the e-cards I receive sometimes.

Letters now seem historic – we started using emails to keep in touch, and now with IM & cheap broadband connection, I end up using emails only at work.

When was the last time that I received a letter? Sometime in the past 1 year, and not just one letter, but a few. I loved getting them - they gave me a reason to actually check my mailbox, because the only other mail I got was bank statements and bills. I always skimmed through them right away, before taking them up to my room and reading them slowly, absorbing every word. And then again. I’d be smiling throughout, filled with the warmth and comfort that only a handwritten letter can deliver, and no email or phone call can match. There’s something about seeing the words out there, on a crisp sheet of paper, in someone’s own handwriting, rather than type-written paragraphs, that touches the heart. The permanence of those words – which can be pulled out and read anytime you miss that person, or think of them, or wish they were around, is the next best thing to actually have that person present.

I loved your letters, every one of them. I read them over and over, and stashed them away safely, and went back to them during bad times. I confess, I still feel horrible for not replying and writing as often as I would have liked to. I promised you a letter, and I never sent it. I showed it to you sometime – but I didn’t send it because by the time I finished it, half the material it was out dated. That doesn’t matter, and I realize that now. I wish I’d sent it.

Receiving a letter always makes me feel special, because someone took the time out to think of me, and sit down and write to me, and me only. There is no cc/bcc’ing a handwritten letter, and its something that only the writer and the recipient share, a secret of their own, that no one else gets to be a part of.

The fact that you found time for me from your busy schedule makes me feel cared for, when everything looks down.

My apologies to a few people:

A: I wish I had sent that letter, and many more. Dozens of emails, long hours of chats and phone calls, but I still wish I’d sent it to you.

R: Every time I saw a postcard that I liked, I would think of writing to you. I never did; I wish I had.

U: I wish we had continued to write like we did in 8^th grade. Emails were never the same. Personal, but not the same.

I don’t know what happened…maybe that enthusiasm for writing died slowly with busy schedules, growing up, the internet, and various other modes of communication. I keep in touch with these people, and many more.

But letters were different.

Incomplete

2006-07-27T15:03:00.000+08:00

Instead of deleting posts that I’m not ready to publish, I’ve started saying them, in the hope that I will on day go back and complete them. This essentially leaves me with a whole set of unfinished posts, and random word files on my work and personal laptop, with a few lines each. I have unfinished business, but this time, it can’t be helped – because something or the other always comes up and interrupts the chain of thoughts, and it’s extremely difficult to them revive it. A phone call, the washing machine’s buzzer, the doorbell, something or the other. Take now for example – a meeting. In 5 mins. Blarghh! So I better get going, and for once, jus publish the incomplete post. And let’s see if I’ll be able to come back and finish it.

I did have something to say in this post, but someone jus came by and made random small talk, and now I can’t remember what it was!

The right kind of wrong

2006-07-21T01:42:00.000+08:00

“And what is good, Phaedrus,

And what is not good –

Need we ask anyone to tell us these things?”

- Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Gone are the days when right and wrong or good and bad, was clearly defined by parents, teachers, counselors, and the society. I realized this more than ever when my parents came to visit last week. It was heartwarming to have the entire family under one roof, and yet, it wasn’t the same as going home. I got to make the plans, decide on what to do, and their days here revolved around my schedule. I couldn’t put a finger on what it was that kept nagging the back of my head – because they hadn’t changed, they were still my parents, I was still their daughter, and although we were in my house, we were still the same family. And then it struck me – they’d let me go. Not too far – but it was a start. Perhaps they’d accepted that I’d grown up. Or perhaps it was just that they were too lost in a new place, and thus allowed me to lead, since I am from around here. I guess I’ll find out when I go back to Bangkok if I’m still the little girl who is driven around by the driver, or a young woman who’s graduation they attended, and who they waved by to as she went off to work in the morning.

It wasn’t easy – and I think they had to do it consciously. I found out when my mother tried to put a curfew on me for Friday night, and then caught herself, and said, “ Go have fun, and come back whenever you decide.” And when my dad opened the door for me late at night, no questions asked, and said good night, as if it was the most normal thing to do. My parents have always been very protective and involved – so I guess it wasn’t easy. For me, or for them.

But I guess we’re all growing up. They know that I’m going to explore my own good from bad, and right from wrong. They will watch, interfere at times, but mostly watch, approvingly or disapprovingly. Their values are the foundations of the ones that I am going to form. But a foundation determines the strength and durability of a structure, not its shape and identity.

So here goes nothing.

I am now out there to make my own mistakes, and maybe even fall face first. But if I don’t, I’d leave many stones unturned, and never find out what lies beneath. Always inquisitive, and easily intrigued, I know which way I’m going to go. Mom, Dad, everyone, I’m off to find out within myself, what is my real right and wrong.

Bed of Lies

2006-07-20T00:52:00.000+08:00

I started to write an entry before sleeping - I typed six different beginnings and promptly deleted them all.

I have made a resolution – to be honest to myself at the end of the day, atleast for a few minutes, before escaping to sleep.

Tonight, I’m being honest. I am slightly overwhelmed by then number of roles I have to play in one day – where each one seems to be more demanding than the previous. Either they have become more exhausting, or I’m simply not up to it. I’m too numb to reconcile with this feeling at the moment. Believe me, I tried, but couldn’t muster up the will to do it. Not yet.

I am going to go to bed with a book. I want the comfort of clearly expressed words and thoughts – so black and solid, laid out neatly, page after page, before I shut my eyes.

Red

2006-06-10T11:26:00.000+08:00

I want to paint this blank canvas because its whiteness is unsettling. Dimensionless, and vast, it promises to consume everything that falls in its path, much like a raging river. I want to leash it - with intricate patterns, rebellious graffiti, vibrant colors, paint balls and tear drops.

I want it to contain something – something explicable, something meaningful, so that I don’t have to hunt for words each time I try to describe it.

I have the supplies : the paints, the paintbrush, the smock – everything that I could buy.

I still haven’t started, and the longer I stand by the easel the more I realize that its growing and becoming larger than life.

I can’t start. I really cannot. Not because I am not an artist, but because they didn’t sell clarity in the supply store. And I can’t make up my mind about what it is that I want on that canvas.

It's the good advice that you just didn't take

2006-06-07T01:10:00.000+08:00

I think the human race is meant to thrive on irony, and has the uncanny ability to internalize the most unexpected and irrational things as its nature. As I type this, sitting in the dark, unable to sleep, I can think of several such ironies that have shaped my own rapports, relationships, and thus my outlook towards people.

Don’t we have the remarkable ability to hurt the people closest to us? Abandon the people we love so much? Ruin some of the best things in our lives, over reasons that seem trivial, minutes after the damage is done? Destroy something that we’ve always wanted, just as we are about to get it finally? Say things we don’t mean, and yet do them anyway? Call ourselves rational, and yet make decisions that we end up regretting later? Knowing that we'll be hurt, and yet, letting things be? Allowing others to be important enough...?

I confess – I have done most of the abovementioned myself, or have had them done to me, just like a majority of us.

Someone was once trying to tell me that they loved me and I was far too hurt by then to seek any sort of comfort in that love. I said I didn’t buy that and that no, they don’t actually love me. How much of that I actually meant, I don’t know. Was I angry, yes? Was I hurt, yes? But should I have said that? No. My bad? Yes.

That would be one confession that I had to make.

The conversation was never resumed – it was put on infinite hold.

Oh, how talented we are at hurting ourselves and those we love. And how we love to be trampled on. A masochist hides in all of us? Or are we plain stupid - and not the most superior species after all?

Because ass much as we seem to like to win, our conscious and rational actions and our decisions always seem to direct us towards losing - something or someone.

Irony bites, doesn't it?

One step closer

2006-06-04T03:02:00.000+08:00

Tonight, for the first time in the past 4 years, I thought you looked beautiful. From the cab window, your skyline fit the panoramic frame well and you looked almost gorgeous. It must have been the night, the stars, the river, the bridge, and the laughter in the background. The feeling didn’t last too long, but yes, today I smiled at you.

Its like an understanding you develop with someone, who you might not particularly like, but are forced to coexist with. You learn to live around each other and make peace with your differences, and end up finding this strange sense of comfort in knowing the other is there. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you now love them, or ever will, but you can tolerate them, for the most part.

Or its like smiling at the random stranger who commutes with you every morning and gets off the same bus stop. You don’t smile at them the first morning, because you don’t know that you’ll be seeing them everyday. But as days pass, you see them, you observe them, understand their ways, and eventually reach a point when you start smiling or nodding at them every morning – a gesture, an unsaid greeting and a relationship.

I don’t know if I smiled at you because we’re finally both in a neutral zone, and have resolved our differences. Or if it was because I’ve realized you’re going to be a fellow passenger on this commute for a few more years. Either way, looks like we’re not at odds anymore.

I don’t love you. Yet.

But maybe I can make myself love you. Maybe not.

Let’s try being friends first.

Long Way Around

2006-06-01T15:05:00.000+08:00

Lips drawn in a tight line, distant, almost lifeless eyes, and a stoic face – the mask of a typical MRT rider going back from work. Last night it hit me that I was becoming one of them – not because I was returning from work too, but because I could feel my own face tighten up as I stared into space and waited for my stop. Since I did not just get a botax, I figured there is no need to minimize any facial activity, but I couldn’t exactly strike up a conversation with a random stranger, now could I? No no, atleast not in a Singapore MRT! So I hid my face behind a book and kept tuning in and out of it, alternating between random thoughts, and following the story. Soon I was smiling to myself, and even muffling a few chuckles, because it was a rather entertaining book. Its not *haha* funny, but the imagery triggers such strong sensory responses, and you end up smiling once you realize you were so involved in the book.

Despite all this, I somehow managed to tune out from time to time to get lost in my own thinking world. While being jostled around, at one point, I was rudely shaken out of my world because of a lady with a huge bag, and I noticed the cacophony, that is the train, at such a busy hour. A few seconds in that dimension were deranging enough to send me back to my book and/or thoughts.

I fumed over some events of the day, silently vented it all out, not to the person it was directed to, but their mirror image, in my head. Felt a little better, but not quite. I smiled about the previous night, dinner with girl friends followed by hanging out at the Esplanade, lamenting, cursing and pondering over what’s in store for us, and who deserves what. I thanked whoever's in-charge, for such great girls. Tipsy and Flirty - hats off to you two.

I also played the blame game.

I blamed you for giving me the freedom to make my decisions.
I blamed myself for not being able to tame these decisions and their consequences.
I blamed you for being so loving.
I blamed myself for liking being loved.
I blamed you for being too far from my reach.
I blamed myself for having rotten luck.
I blamed you for playing hide and seek.
I blamed myself for letting you play.
I blamed you for knowing what you want.
I blamed myself for wanting something.
I blamed you for being practical.
I blamed myself for being a dreamer.
I blamed you for being strong, ruthless.
I blamed myself for not learning it from you.

Somewhere along this game, I lost track of score. Anyone of you think you're winning?

Tired of playing, I allowed myself to take a cab back from the train station.

I met a friend and plans were made. Wednesday night, ladies night. It was a coincidence, and a sign.

I looked back and decided that I had had enough.

I don’t remember ordering a side of complications, so I sent it back to the kitchen.

"Add it to the bill, if you have to. Ill even leave a huge tip."

"It doesn't matter right now, cuz I'm going dancing baby"

Other Side

2006-05-31T00:01:00.000+08:00

Its amazing how two extremes can be separated by a very thin line, instead of a wide range of options varying in intensity.

One gentle nudge is enough to push you to the other side of the line, oh so easily...cuz its only a thin thin line between

love and hate (cliche, yes...even I roll my eyes at this. But come on, ya know its true)
a confidant and a stranger
concern and indifference
comfort and discomfort
hugs and crossed arms
black and white. (no one likes gray, so don't even go there)
home and hostel
rage and tears
castles and plain ol' sand
a pyramid and scattered cards
life and death (no DUH)

n yadi yadi ya...

Edit. Save. Shift Delete.

2006-05-29T16:43:00.000+08:00

I want the arrow keys to go back to something that was said or done previously. I want a backspace key to delete, and an insert key to type over, as many times as I wish to. I want to save the changes, only after all the mistakes have been corrected and actions, undone. I don't want any signs of the previous errors on this document.

I want to space out and indent events so that it’s one clearly formatted and aligned document. What I don't want is a piece of paper that has multiple scribbles, doodles and words that have been scratched out later, in a vain attempt of damage control. Because they are still there, beneath the frantic scratches, that never conceal them completely. No, correction tape would not do either, its transparent when held against the light. Completely see through.

I want classy fonts, wide margins, and endless white space, to write it out the way I want. I want it to look pleasing to the eye, my eyes. Justified, bulleted, numbered, double spaced. I want to highlight and underline the significant ones and italicize the unique, eccentric ones.

I want to double click on the words I hate. And with one hit on a key, I want to wipe them away.

Delete. Words. Sentences. Paragraphs. Documents.

I want to be able to delete and send to recycle bin. Keep them there, just in case.

And when they become too hard to deal with, I want to be able to empty the recycle bin and make space.

Or perhaps, just shift + delete them in the first place.

Buses and Trains

2006-05-28T21:43:00.000+08:00

Unfortunately, this Sunday didn’t see the bright and sunny start that I’d hoped it would, both literally and figuratively. It was pouring till late afternoon, and I finally forced myself to get out of bed sometime around 2 pm. Consequently, the agenda for the day had to be adjusted: from “visit to the national library, return books at NUS library, grocery shopping, laundry, check out houses, and dessert with a friend” to “return books to NUS library, take a good book, and sneak off to the nearest Starbucks for some thinking time.”

Of course, none of that happened. Decided to leave misery behind in bed, and showered and went off for lunch with the Engineer and another friend. It turned out to be rather pleasant affair as the other friend and I, who don’t know each other too well, found we had so much in common! Plans to get together later were made and the Sunday was beginning to look a little better.

Then the Engineer’s friends called to play basketball and off we all went! I still cannot believe how I, who's shy about playing any sports with strangers, agreed to go right away. I don’t think I’ve played bball in over 5 -6 years, and it was an extremely refreshing and partially nostalgic experience! Played with a whole new group of people who I am hardly acquainted with, but a good game, great sportsmanship and some very friendly people, made sure that I had a great time!

N I have an ‘almost crush!’ Almost because its not really a crush, but rather just admiration for a cute guy who can play well! *giggles* (operative word being cute ) and the Engineer and I have decided to call it a crush because it makes life more interesting. Yes, that’s how dull it was looking otherwise! So *snickers* I have a crush!

By the time I got back to my room, the day was looking much better and it seemed like the whole morning hadn’t taken place…or must have, but in another dimension! But once you sit and catch your breath, the day catches up with you to remind you that it was all real. Oh well!

New week, new start, new plans! Perhaps we’ll manage to kick off tennis and guitar this week! *Fingers Crossed*

And, I soooooooooo want my dessert! NOW!!

Sigh.

P.S. "Buses and Trains" is a song by Bachelor Girl

“Where are you from?” – Part 1

2006-05-25T17:41:00.000+08:00

“Where are you from?”

One of those questions which I have several answers to, and yet, I pause, hesitate, or even fumble, depending on the situation, before I can blurt out an answer. And more often than not, I am not satisfied with it.

Like the other day, I was filling in my particulars on Facebook, and didn’t know what to put in the “Hometown” Field.

New Delhi, INDIA?

That’s what it says in all my official forms.

Country of Birth: India.
Nationality: India.
Race: Indian.

Says so on my passport too, which I’m very proud of. But do I really feel like India’s home? It’s been 3 years since I last set foot on Indian soil, and every time I do go back, a new India greets me. One where I feel like an alien because everything’s changed so much from my previous visit and the India I took back with me. It’s probably a good thing anyways.

There’s not much that calls me back.

Friends – One? Two? Who I haven’t met in 5-8 years because after leaving the town we left in, my parents didn’t leave too much behind which compelled them to go back to it. Family friends moved out as well, and our trips back to India were so busy and short, that fitting in all the close relatives took up most of the time. At the age of 10 – 11, keeping in touch through letters was exciting at first, but eventually more interesting things, such as adolescence happened, and soon writing letters became too tedious. By the time e-mails became commonplace, friendships had faded.

Family – Relatives. Grandma, Uncles, Aunts and cousins are probably the main reason why I do miss India. At first, phone calls were made regularly to keep in touch, but IDD rates limited the time and thus the conversation to mainly pleasantries and a general overview of everyone’s well being. Cousins grew up and scattered all over the country for education and careers, and meeting everyone became close to impossible. Weddings were missed because of school, and thus I couldn't attend the few occasions on which my generation of the family got a chance to get together. Emails and IMs help in maintaining the ties, but barely. University life and jobs keep us far too busy to keep in touch. News and photos of major events are circulated, but that's about it.

Home – I never had a hometown. I always envy people with hometowns; places that have seen them grow, and have grown with them. Places where they can actually compare old photographs from and discuss how things used to be back when we were young. Visit parks as toddlers in strollers, as kids, playing hide and seek or tag, as adolescents, hanging out with the gang, as teenagers, sneaking off to make out, and as parents, who can bring back their kids to these places and say : this is where I used to play when I was your age.

*Nickleback : Photograph*

I don’t have a park or a playground...

I have faint memories of the houses I’ve lived in. We moved twice, once when I was very young, and then when I was older, 11 I think, when we moved to Thailand. On my first trip back to India after moving out, I went back to the city I used to live in to find my old house. The landlords (the house owner, who used to live on the first floor) and the neighbors remembered me, and it was all warm n nostalgic till I realized that now there are strangers living in my house. My hop scotch and the pencil mark on the wall showing my height, had been painted over. The kid who I’d left my bike with had outgrown it and passed it along to some other kid, who I didn’t know. Although the strangers welcomed me in and asked if I wanted to look inside my old house, I didn’t go. I never went back to that lane, that city again.

I am still drawn to the country. I miss the cousins. I miss the uncles and aunts. I miss my Grandma.

But somehow, the answer :

I am from India,

Is left hanging, with an unsure, incomplete feeling.

A sentence, truncated at a comma.

When I grow up...

2006-05-18T12:24:00.000+08:00

As you grow older, you stop making best friends. You just make friends.

Random Thoughts Generation

2006-05-17T00:46:00.000+08:00

It’s about day dreaming about the impossible – only because you know it will never be real.

It’s about lecturing the little brother about something; because you learnt from your mistakes, and don’t want him to make the same ones.

It’s about saying a prayer for someone else before going to bed

It’s about sighing over the goodbyes that were incomplete, and wondering how they could have been oh so perfect.

It’s about knowing what’s practical, preparing yourself for it, and yet, not being able to do it.

It’s about mastering the art of putting on the deceptive faces: the laughing one, the smiling one, the intellectual one, the pensive one, the delirious one, the calm one…

It’s about sensing when a perfectly nice evening is about to be scarred, and yet not being to avoid it.

It’s about an ‘out – of – the – blue’ conversation with an old friend, and reviving the innocence and simplicity in relationships.

It’s about being old enough to share your mother’s worries.

It’s about the hesitation over whether to move forward for a hug, or to protect yourself.

It’s about making mid – year resolutions, and telling yourself its never too late!

*incomplete*

And I'll leave this life behind me

2006-04-29T19:50:00.000+08:00

Some bad dreams have this foul after-taste, lingering in your mouth all day, and nothing can make it go away.

And you end up living an entire day, not feeling like yourself.

Its cold, and its dark, and you don't have a clue

2006-04-26T03:31:00.000+08:00

One step at a time.

Yesterday, I paused to think.

Today, I admit that there are some unresolved issues.

Tomorrow I’ll try to express them in words, in my own head.

Then, I’ll realize my fears and insecurities.

Eventually, I’ll accept them.

Only then, will I make myself think them through.

N then, I’ll gather the courage to talk. To admit I’m scared.

Then, I’ll talk.

N hope that there is an answer.

An answer. A solid, opaque, defined, answer.

But is there one?

Should I look for something which might not even be there in the first place?

Or just wait for it to show up and tap me on the shoulder when I least expect it?

Beautiful Stranger

2006-04-23T19:11:00.000+08:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Best friends forever.

Bull shit.

As I discovered today.

There is no point in holding on to a handful of Polaroids because the color eventually fades away, and when you open that box of souvenirs, you find yourself staring at nothing but square pieces of plastic coated paper, with blurred, or better yet, no images.

Unless, of course, you take care of them. Phone calls, emails, visits. Frequent at first. n then a few. N then none. Or the customary ones. Large smiles, but no connection. At all.

A bland conversation, followed by a rushed goodbye, tc. He is guilty of the first, and I, of the second. N not it was not because I was feeling particularly bitchy at the moment. As a matter of fact, I was in a great mood, and thot it’d be great to catch up with an old old old friend. Boy, was I wrong.

Yeh, people grow up, people move on, people get distant. Should learn to let go of things gracefully. I know all that crap, and although heartbreaking at times, I have accepted it. You can say *keep in touch* to everyone, but only manage to do that with some. I get it.

But what bothers me is when someone keeps making u feel like you’re not doing enough to keep your end of the *bargain*. And claims that you are so important to them and that they care so much about you. They know you so well because they’ve known you forever, and blah blah blah.

And yet they have no clue about who you are, and what hurts you and what doesn’t. What irks you, and what pushes u and makes you go away. If they really did know you, then why would they keep the things that hurt, again and again?

I’ve changed. I know. Everyone has. He has too. We lead totally different lives, have our own group of friends, our own set of problems, our own goals, and plans. The only thing we have left in common is memories. And they’re precious. So don’t make them worthless for me.

Yeh, I’ll try to keep in touch. And yeah, next time, I am in the area, I’ll visit.

But don’t tell me I’ve changed and that I don’t care. Because so have you.

And the next time something big happens in my life, good, or bad, I wouldn’t tell you.

Cuz you wouldn’t know what it means to me anyways. Or, you’d manage to make a joke out of it, and me, while I wonder how it could possibly be funny.

Cuz you know me so well.

I won't be your winter

2006-04-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

Those strangers that you thought you knew. But you didn’t actually.

Their cold and detached behavior should not bother you. It would anger you occasionally. It can frustrate you. But bother you, no.

Heated emotions, aren’t they, anger and frustration? Hot enough to get rid of their cold touch.

They were strangers anyway.

Stay warm.

Answer the phone

2006-04-13T01:02:00.000+08:00

So, my cell phone is dying on me. Ordinarily, I'd be rejoicing, cuz I get to buy a new one. But not this time, cuz 1. I like this phone; 2. Its not THAT old, 6 months, 3. I'm broke! :) So when it started interrupting all my calls with this extremely annoying static buzz, I started wondering why! Oh come on, Nokias dont die out that fast!

I havent dropped it recently! I haven't flushed it down the toilet either! Then why!

n Then it hit me! Tears! Yeh, so I was crying on the phone for a long enough period of time, that the tears might have gotten in!

*yes yes, go ahead n say it, what a cry - baby! *

Anyhoo, now I'm jus amused at how my phone is probably all salty and damp inside, and frankly, I have heard of a gazillion ways how people have messed up their phones, but this one I havent across too often!

I was told I should open it up and let it dry, except this clever phone has one of those tiny screw thingis holding the front cover in place! N i cant take it apart! Oh well, till then, all calls have been diverted to Little Devil's phone! :)

A trip to the Nokia service center...blargh! :S

Other insignificant things :

Today for the first time, my stomach reacted to curry, and not in a good way! It went all acidic n stuff! Now that NEVER happens! I used to be able to eat anything and everything, and not fall sick! *touch wood* Even my bro's cooking!
I have this extremely mushy, and thus, annoying song stuck in my head! "Baby Don't You Break My Heart Slow "
I have been awake for 19 hrs now, without a wink, let alone a nap!
There are some mistakes I keep repeating, and never learn! *whack me on the head please*
If I don't get back to work now, I'll be the walking definition of *screwed*

As Seether says :

"And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day "

If I fall down would you come around and pick me right up off the ground?

2006-04-12T00:38:00.000+08:00

There are those who’re always there for you, no matter what. So that when you need to melt down, you actually can. They allow you to be weak, pass the Kleenex, hold your hair back, and watch you become stronger. And somehow, even when you’re at your ugliest, all red n splotchy n stinky n grouchy, they make you feel pretty. And loved.

Then there are those who’ll be there once you shout out. Just once, perhaps twice. But there, nonetheless. All you needed to do was be strong enough to shout out. You don’t call upon them often, but in those rare moments that you do, you feel blessed to have such people in your life.

N then there are those who surprise you. By watching your back and sweeping you off in mid – air before the touchdown, and putting you back on your feet. When you least expected them to. The hidden gems of your life. They’re the ones who restore your faith when you turn into a cynic.

N there are those who seem like they’ll always be there. They’re always present, always around, always willing. But when you start counting on them; believing in them. Just when you let yourself fall for it, and find yourself needing them, they’ll be missing.

Coincidence? Or have you been fooled?

Oh well, either way, 3 out of 4! Not bad, huh?

Are you still having fun?

2006-04-11T03:54:00.000+08:00

3 am

dark alley

outside the lab

break from studying

the engineer, the little devil & the rainchild

one empty coke can

street soccer

cacophonous echoes

n its a goal

ouch!

my poor toe

Always Refreshing, Coca Cola

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep...Stuck in Reverse

2006-04-10T02:00:00.000+08:00

Sunday Nite. 1:30am. Sitting in computer lab. Listening to Coldplay.

And wondering if and when the power struggle in a relationship ends. By relationship, I don’t necessarily mean a romantic one. Just any two people, and a hearty dosage of ego. Being a Leo, I’m guilty of engaging in these power games on many occasions. Ironically, that’s how some of my close relationships start : a lot of resistance, a lot of struggles, and a thick wall of laughter, that keeps one from getting too close and gaining too much power. But that’s just the beginning, sort of like an initiation, full of mischief, mockery, jokes and small talk. As the relationship evolves, these games become meaningless, and eventually phase out, to establish a balance. Both have now stopped playing the mind games and have accepted the power the other has over them. However, this acceptance leaves them bare, vulnerable and very dependent.

But what you do? Sort of like Jumanji, you can not leave it in the middle. It’s a dangerous game after all, and once started, it has to reach one of the two possible ends.

The Balance, or The Continuous loop, where this need for power keeps increasing, as neither is willing to give in. Jokes lead to biting sarcasm and then to bitterness; which, when harbored quietly turns malignant. This is the other possible end, as the two participants reach indifference, and walk way with their losses without meeting each other’s gaze.

Fresh strangers.

Have played this a few times. Won some. Lost others.

The unique thing about this game is that there are either two winners, or two losers.

And then there’s one that I don’t want to play. A dysfunctional game, which keeps ending, only to start again before I can even catch my breath.

Today, it had to end. I promised not to be stubborn, not to be egoistic, and was prepared to even step down a notch, just to make sure that there are no loop holes, no threads left untied.

But it takes two to tango.

Stakes raised, things said.

In the game of stubborn vs. stubborn, no one won. I wouldn’t say its lost, but definitely not over. It’s just stuck in what seems to be a never ending cycle.

N I’m tired.

I don’t want to play anymore.

You belong somewhere you feel free

2006-04-07T02:52:00.000+08:00

I have been a lot of things, to a lot of people.

Daughter, friend, sister, cousin, confidant, counselor, punching bag, colleague, classmate, mentor, mentee. etc.

But I want to be a nobody. To you.

Sierra sunrise and Margarita

2006-04-03T02:20:00.000+08:00

And here’s to a kick – ass weekend!

Yes, after a long long time, I had a proper weekend! U know, the time of the week when you actually get to go out, have fun, and actually relax a bit!

Dressing up pretty was a requirement, because its prolly the last time we’d all get to go out till exams! N that’s exactly what we did. (We = Little Devil & I)

M picked us up and off we were, to Arab street! The rest of the 6 ppl were waiting for us at the sheesha bar and thankfully, this place was much nicer compared to the last time! Carpeted floors, cushions to sit on, with those super low tables! So you can look all classy and laid back, with the sheesha sitting next to you, smoking occasionally, and looking slightly intoxicated. * I don’t think anyone was light – headed but it was fun to look it, with dreamy half – closed eyes and smiling away! Conversation flowed and lots of pics were clicked! Note that out of the 10 people, I was meeting one for the first time, and M n Noc hadn’t met atleast 5 of those people before. The group clicked instantly, and work stories and jokes about each other, especially, never – heard – before embarrassing stories of *ahem, first kisses, ahem* were exchanged! Mwahahaha, I know someone is reading this! *which is why I HAD TO ABSOLUTELY add this*

Then, much to our amusement, the guys were asked to leave. Apparently, after a certain time, that part of the bar was open to females only, and the guys had to step out, because the place was packed and they couldn’t find another table! N just for the fun of it, we girls decided to ditch the guys and hang out a bit longer! So we waved the guys off from the balcony with kisses n pictures and several hand gestures were seen~! ;)

Eventually we figured we’d join them and off we went for my much awaited margaritas! By now the group had grown to 14 people and it was impossible to find a table at first~ so while waiting, some of us *some = 3 girls* downed those funky shots and waited for our table! Plenty of beers, margaritas, shots, and chips, and we were one loud, giggily, n animated group! Pictures, cute guys *okay, cute guy, just one* interesting conversation *he was intelligent too* and ohh, more margaritas! N all this time, I din realize that another group of friends was sitting jus a couple of tables away, and I sooooooo hope that they din witness certain things that went on at our table! Let's jus say they were a wee bit embarressing! Went n said hello on our way out, and took along a Slightly *ahem* Tipsy friend, for cover! This moring, Tipsy was very amused and embarrassed at the same time, and I’m not sure if she remembers everything from last nite! I shall quiz her on the names of the people she met, just to make sure! ;) n then tell her that she might have been hitting on someone! *might*

I love Tipsy after she’s had a few drinks! She says the cutest things! N of course, all this time, Little Devil was downing her shots and grinning away, ready for more N at the same time, making breakfast plans for 9am on a Sunday! Needless to say, 3 very groggy girls did wake up at 9 *yes, we managed! Only God knows why!!* and went to McDonalds to meet a 4^th friend and have pancakes!

I came back and promptly fell asleep, while Little Devil and Tipsy went elsewhere! The rest of the weekend is blurred behind the sheesha smoke, and this is gonna be one Saturday Night worth remembering!

Right Tipsy? ;)